Are you a self-important and intoxicated person who has considered slurring “Do you know who I am?” while being arrested? Before body cam footage of the incident ends up on a TMZ video segment, consider these less direct rejoinders to deal with the situation.

• “Do you know who I was when starting out and the world looked bright and hopeful?”
• “Do you know who I’ll be after my sex change operation?”
• “Do you remember when we were young politicians and cops without a care in the world?”
• “Do you know who I’d be if I had studied harder in school and applied myself?”
• “Do you know the way to San Jose?”
• “Do you know you’re kind of cute when you wrestle a suspect to the ground?”
• “Do you know you’re not the first person to suggest I have a drinking problem?”
• “Do you have a gun in your holster, or are you just pleased to see me?”
• “Do you have any helpful tips on passing sobriety tests?”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”.