Dear Family,

Gerry and I are so looking forward to seeing you on Thanksgiving. Here’s what people are bringing so far:

Aunt Diane: “I’m bringing chestnut stuffing.”

Cousin Lois: “We’re bringing cranberry sauce and wine.”

Grandpa Leon: “After going through a painful divorce this year, I’m bringing my emotional baggage.”

Cousin Steve’s partner, Fred: “Steve and I are making a pumpkin pie.”

Aunt Sally: “I’m bringing a list of pointed questions for our MAGA relatives”

Uncle Ray’s new wife, Nicole: “I’m bringing a green bean casserole.”

Cousin Eddy: “I will be arriving with my usual uncontrollable urge to drink, even though I shouldn’t – and my apologies in advance for drinking too much.”

Phil: “(Please note I no longer go by my old name Phyllis) “Brussels sprouts.”

Second cousin Andrea: “Pepto-Bismol to be taken immediately after eating Phil’s Brussels sprouts.”

Grandma Fran: “My usual frustration at not being able to get a word in edgewise.”

Uncle Ken: “A box to hold everyone’s grudges.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”