Living Inside My Head

Walmart has hired its first self-described introvert as a greeter. Walter Ronko, a 68-year-old retired filing clerk began work recently at a store in Tranquilo, Arizona.

Ronko, who hasn’t smiled voluntarily since 1963, said he has always avoided occupations that require social interaction. “When I saw the want ad for Walmart greeter, I thought, ‘Why would I want a job where I have to be friendly to strangers all day?’ Then I remembered something that happened years ago. I briefly dated a dominatrix named Janice. Our relationship didn’t last long. We attended different churches and had dissimilar tastes in spiked collars. But I fondly recall our candlelit dinners, walks on the beach, and being handcuffed to a radiator while being ordered to bark like a dog. Deep down I still feel like I’ve been a very bad boy and I need to be punished. That’s why I’m working at Walmart.”

Torture is one thing, but an extremely-introverted person cheerfully subjecting himself to babbling strangers eight hours a day is beyond agony. “Welcoming folks with a smile is particularly tough,” he says. “Lately I’ve started wearing a set of grinning wax lips. It scares the hell out of some kids but so do most Walmart shoppers.”

Walter doesn’t know how long he’ll last as a greeter, but whenever he feels he can’t endure another shopper asking for directions to Guns and Ammunition, he closes his eyes, relaxes, and imagines he’s on a tropical island tied naked to a coconut tree while Janice flogs him with an Australian stock whip. Imagination is always an introvert’s best friend.

Cassie McCall is a classic introvert. She used to struggle in social situations that required small talk. “Hearing ‘Hi, how you doing?’ made me nauseated. No one ever simply asked about my blood sugar levels.”

Fortunately, Cassie has found an easy way to avoid small talk. She’s mastered a serene facial expression that sends a clear message: I am all-knowing. I have better things to do with my life than talk to you about the weather.

Rather than be offended by her stone-like demeanor, most people are eager to engage her in a deeper conversation. “They think I’m an all-powerful soul who knows every secret of the universe. Heck, I couldn’t tell you why they sell underwear in three-packs instead of two.”

Cassie has become more socially active since perfecting her omniscient gaze. No longer does she avoid parties and muffler shop openings where she’d normally be forced to talk with people about their plans for vacation. “Before, I would panic if someone asked me where I’m from. Now I turn my head slowly, look out a window, and shed a single tear. In no time we’re chatting about the futility of life.”

Cassie McCall believes all introverts have the ability to avoid small talk. “Most extroverts are freaked out by our quietness. Don’t worry if someone asks ‘How they hanging?’ You can say anything as long as you say it with an empty stare. Then sit back and wait for an invitation to give a TED Talk.”

Introverts hate being the center of attention. They feel more comfortable off to the side, engaging in witty repartee with the nearest lampshade.

Famous introverts, the poor wretches, must often face the terrifying gaze of adoring crowds. How they have dealt with this personal nightmare can provide insight for all introverts.

Albert Einstein – Whenever I get nervous about an audience looking at me, I immediately explain my theory of relativity in detail. Within seconds, most of them doze off.

Abraham Lincoln – During the first Me–Douglas debate, I tried to overcome my anxieties by imagining everyone in the audience was naked. It was working until a very heavy and hairy gentleman sat down in the front row. I became nauseated during my Martin Van Buren impersonation and lost my train of thought. What relaxes me now is imagining I’m alone in a log cabin binge-reading Shakespeare.

Eleanor Roosevelt – I’ve always been nervous in large crowds – particularly Roosevelt family reunions. But my Uncle Teddy gave me the greatest advice: “Speak softly and maybe people won’t notice you.”

Mahatma Gandhi – It’s a lot easier to fast when the alternative is eating in a crowded restaurant with people looking at me and thinking, “I thought he was fasting.”

Charles Darwin – I used to wonder why people staring at me didn’t kill me. Then I came up with this theory about introverts called Survival of the Moodiest.

Marylyn Monroe – I’ve always felt very self-conscious when people gazed at my skimpily-dressed body. Why do I force myself to endure such pain and torment? Then the answer hit me: It beats slinging hash.

Jimmy Hendrix – People are looking at me? Man, I thought those were gerbils.

There are two words that go together like vegetarian and meatloaf: introvert and networking.

You haven’t worked for months, okay years. You need income. Your freelance poetry career hasn’t been as lucrative as expected. Face it, it’s not easy when you know only five people and one of them is you.

You need a larger network.

Trying to grow your network from zero to more than zero is a daunting task. Unfortunately, being creative, sensitive, and all those other wonderful things introverts are, isn’t going to help you meet an obnoxious extrovert who will hire you.

You need to move outside of your shell. That’s not easy. But it’s not impossible. Here are some helpful tips that will transform any antisocial hermit into a semi-social recluse:

• Set small, achievable goals like looking at the want ads without becoming nauseated.
• Make a networking list of every person you know. Don’t include the people you’ve been observing from your room with a telescope.
• Go to networking meetings and conferences. Start slowly. Drive to the venue, sit outside in your car, and then drive home. After four or five years, enter a meeting and then immediately walk out. Success! Reward yourself with a dinner-for-one at a four-star restaurant.
• If you actually attend a networking event, take an extroverted friend along. Better yet, have your extroverted friend pose as you, interview for a job, tell your new boss she’s getting plastic surgery, and then you’ll take it from there.
• When you finally contact someone, ask for advice, not a job. If you meet with them, ask complimentary questions that indicate you’ve done your research, such as: “How have you been so successful after being convicted of insider trading?”
• Always send thank you notes after meeting people. Never begin the letter with “You may remember me. I was the nervous, shaking woman with the sweaty armpits.”
• Networking can be very stressful and emotionally exhausting. Give yourself time to recharge. After seven or ten years, try it again.

Many people have varying degrees of introversion or extroversion. For example, a slightly introverted person can tolerate being in large groups of people, although not in large groups comprised of excited bride-to-be’s named Britany. A mildly extroverted person doesn’t mind taking solitary walks in the woods with his dog, as long as he can talk the canine’s ear off.

An ambivert is someone who has the qualities of both introverts and extroverts. They essentially can go both ways. Some enjoy being the center of attention at parties but also appreciate a quiet evening alone in the back of their closet.

The following chart can help you decide if you are an ambivert or just ambi-curious.

You are an ambivert if:	You are ambi-curious if:
You enjoy socializing with large groups, but also like spending time with smaller groups of large people.	You enjoy spending time alone while engaging in lively conversation with your living room furniture.
You like talking to optometrists but can’t make eye contact with examination charts.	Your contact lenses give the impression one of your eyes is looking for the nearest exit.
You can adjust your personality based on the company you are with – as long as the company isn’t trying to sell you a first class ticket on the Jupiter Shuttle.	You can only adjust your personality by sticking your finger in a light socket.
Some people describe you as quiet, and others say you’re very sociable.	One of your personalities is not being honest with you.
You can be the life of the party until too much small talk causes you to collapse.	Your jaw locks while attempting to break out in song.
You enjoy group sex but are too nervous to remember everyone’s names.	You go to orgies but spend the night standing by the condom buffet.
You keep asking yourself, “Why am I so quiet?”	You keep telling yourself to “stop asking me why I’m so quiet!”

It’s important to know when you’ve reached your socializing limit. Here are some typical points in time at which an introvert should say “no more!”

• When a host says, “Thanks for coming to the party.”
• When a boss says, “Moving on to slide 2 of the PowerPoint presentation.”
• When a stranger at a wedding yells, “Let’s do the Chicken Dance!”
• When anyone asks, “What are you reading?”
• When the president calls and says, “I know I said I wouldn’t disturb you but World War III has begun.”
• Immediately after a job interviewer says, “Thanks for coming in to meet with us.”
• In a moment of passion when you just don’t have the energy to scream your partner’s name.
• When the second patient of the day asks, “How long have I got, doc?”
• When a policeman says to you, “You have the right to remain silent — but let me tell you how my day is going.”
• When anyone asks, “How was your day?”

She lives in the Loch Ness lake in the Scottish highlands by herself.

She is said to have a snake-like head with a perpetual angry expression that’s a turnoff to most monsters.

She never socializes with large groups of monsters.

No one has ever made eye contact with her.

There’s nothing she hates more than meeting new monsters.

If you really want to make the Loch Ness Introvert angry, throw her a surprise birthday party.

She’s been spotted more frequently since she started dating the Loch Ness Extrovert.

If you spot the Loch Ness Introvert by herself reading a book, that means she wants to be alone.

She does have a small group of close monster friends, and she’s a good listener.

The BBC is planning a miniseries about The Loch Ness Introvert. She will be played by Dame Judi Dench.

Introvert/Extrovert relationships often work because their differing personalities complement each other. This has not been the case for Chelsea and Simone Chesterfield, Siamese twin sisters.

“No matter how many times I say “I need to be alone” my sister just doesn’t get it,” says introvert Simone. “I hate to be a party pooper but I hate parties. We can’t even sit alone on the couch because Chelsea always wants to flirt and dance.”

Extrovert Chelsea tries to be understanding but it’s frustrating. “I get it, she likes her solitude, but I need to socialize. I’m not asking Simone to double date. She can bring a book or daydream or whatever.”

Simone says she’s been accommodating. “Not to be too graphic but after Chelsea has been drinking all night, guess which one of us gets sick and has the hangover? Last year, she signed us up for an ocean cruise, and I still haven’t recovered from the limbo contest.”

Chelsea defends herself. “If it weren’t for me, Simone would have no idea what the outside world is like. Pulling four hamstrings in a limbo contest is a small price to pay for the opportunity to watch a beautiful Caribbean sunset.”

“Yes,” adds Simone. “Watching the sun set while I’m telling a drunken ship’s mate he’s got his tongue in the wrong ear.”

“I understand our situation is unique,” says Chelsea. “She’s my sister and I’d never leave her. But I can’t change. To paraphrase Frank Sinatra, ‘I’ve gotta be us.’ ”

You can’t stand being around people, and you’d rather get a cavity filled by a discredited shopping mall dentist than engage in small talk. There’s no doubt you’re an introvert.

But are you a good introvert? Here are some indications you may have work to do:

• It’s admirable you welcome solitude but did you know Ronald Reagan defeated Jimmy Carter for president?
• You’re not a good writer. In fact, you think alienation is a planet from a Star Wars movie.
• You notice details that others don’t. Unfortunately, you notice them while peering into your neighbor’s bedroom with a high-powered telescope.
• You’re sensitive. You frequently break into tears but only when people ask, “Do you want fries with that?”
• You look at the big picture, although you were recently arrested for helping some guys get the big picture out of an art museum.
• You seek profound and meaningful conversations. However, your UPS delivery man is getting tired of your questions about existentialism in the era of shipping bar codes.
• You’re a loyal companion, but did you have to talk your best friend through her first lovemaking experience?
• You can get high on being alone. It shouldn’t, however, be the same high you get from taking tainted mushrooms.
• Being unimpulsive is good but not while 500 people in line at Old Country Buffet are waiting for you to decide between carrots and peas.
• Yes, introverts intrigue people. Don’t assume that’s why a scientist is attaching electrodes to your head.

Introverts of the world – or at least the ones reading this book – for too long we have been marginalized by a society that values talkative, engaging people with competent social skills.

It is time we collectively rise up and say under our breaths, “No More!”

Together we can show the world that introverts are more than quiet people who prefer to stay at home and read a book. We also like to stay at home and watch TV, write in our journals, and defrost our refrigerators.

Movements that change the world often begin with mass rallies designed to excite and motivate followers. Since large gatherings are the last place introverts want to be, let’s recite from the privacy of our homes the Silent Revolution Declaration of Purpose:

• If I see something, I will say nothing (for reasons altogether different from the Mafia Declaration of Purpose).
• If a friend wants to know if I’m interested in going to a party, I will screen her phone call and not answer it.
• Whenever I am in a diner or a park reading and someone asks, “Is that a good book?”, I will act as though I can’t hear them.
• At work, I will always pretend I’m taking an important phone so no one bothers me.
• If someone still insists on bothering me while I’m pretending to take an important phone call, I will pretend to say, “How much longer does he have to live?”
• If I can’t find a chair in the back of the room, I will sit in my car.
• Whenever someone asks, “Why are you so quiet?” I will try not to scream, “Because I have nothing to say!” – but I won’t try very hard.