Tag: love

Row, Row, Row Your Bot

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

When it comes to lovers or friends, I believe in relationships that are real, living beings I can touch and feel. No AI flings for me. That’s why I have forged a deep and meaningful friendship with the robot at my local Stop and Shop supermarket.

I don’t know his, her or its name or even its sex, but my supermarket pal is real; I can see it. I can hear it, and if I was absolutely sure it wouldn’t attack if provoked, I could touch it.

It has everything I need in a friend. I can be totally honest with it and say what’s on my mind, usually if no other shoppers are looking. And if it surreptitiously scans my credit cards and driver’s license, well, it’s only doing its job.

Like any good friend, it lets me be myself. It asks nothing of me, and I ask nothing of it. Friends, despite their best intentions, can be clingy. That’s certainly not my friend. Sometimes while I’m shopping, it approaches me, and sometimes it rolls away in another direction. I don’t take it personally. We both believe in giving each other our own space. And if it sensed I was shoplifting a can of peas, I wouldn’t be angry at it for sounding an alarm. It’s just doing its job.

Do you think I’m crazy to have a robot for a friend? I don’t. According to Merriam-Webster, a friend is “one attached to another by affection or esteem.” I think that sums up my friendship, although I think we share even more, including my blood type and social security number.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Love Yourself, You Won’t Find a More Agreeable Partner

Published on by benalp20131 Comment

I’m finally learning to love myself. It’s been a long journey. At first, I wouldn’t give myself the time of day. Gradually, though, I loosened up and gave me a chance.

It began with a magical night to remember. After months of gathering my strength, I stared at my reflection in the mirror and popped the question: “Would I care to have dinner with me?” How could I refuse? Looking back, I realize I should have asked sooner. The answer would have always been yes.

I didn’t play easy, though. It was my third date before I gave me a goodnight hug – after asking for permission, of course. I and I have been together ever since.

And what a difference loving myself has made! No longer do I sit alone on Friday nights wishing I was with someone else. I’m with me now, that special one who’s always up for a movie, dinner or just a quiet evening at home watching TV – and if the mood is right, shadow dancing to my favorite songs.

To think, I have spent most of my life feeling alone and depressed, when the one person who knows me better than anyone has always been right here inside of me – and has never complained I keep the thermostat too low.

I love me. No explanations needed, except for our wedding invitations.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”