George Washington – I cannot tell a lie. You put the hot in hotty.
Alexander Graham Bell – Watson come here, I must have you.
Patrick Henry – Give me Liberty, or give me that beautiful smile.
Abraham Lincoln – Even a house divided would agree you’re babe-a-licious
Jim Bowie – If you think my knife is big, get a load of this.
Michelangelo – Ever do any nude modeling?
Wilbur and Orville Wright – Anybody ever tell you you’re pretty enough to be a stewardess?
Paul Revere – Honey, for you the British can wait.
Henry Morton Stanley — Dr. Livingston I hope.
Virginia Woolf – Would you like to see my room?
Alexander the Great – Care to find out how I got the name, “Great?”
Nostradamus – What’s your sign? Wait, don’t tell me!
Herman Melville – The name is Herman, but call me Ishmael.
Attila the Hun – Raping and pillaging have made me a more sensitive person.
Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”