Tag: Politics

Undecided About The Undecided

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

People who are undecided about presidential and other major elections drive me crazy. The difference between Donald Trump and Kamala Harris/Joe Biden/Hillary Clinton? It’s so obvious. Why can’t they see that?

Can they not find one miniscule difference that would allow them to choose one candidate over the other? How difficult can that be?

It makes me want to explode. And then I think…about the many times in my life when I couldn’t make a decision about things that are plainly obvious to most people.

Things like what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

Should I make eye contact or bend down and pretend I’m tying my shoe?

Should I sing along with everybody even though I don’t like singing along with groups of people?

When I reach a fork in the road, should I flip a coin or say “eeny, meeny, miny, moe”?

Who am I to judge?

I’m sure many annoying folks ahead of me in fast food restaurants lines, who take forever deciding between a Whopper and a Whopper with cheese, know exactly whom they’ll be voting for in the next election.

So, should I empathize with voters who cannot decide whom to check off on their ballots?

Yikes! I can’t decide!

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

I’m Mad as Hell! Should I Take This Anymore?

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

South Dakota Republican Rep Dusty Johnson asked his constituents to decide whether he should receive the COVID-19 vaccine now or wait until it is widely available. The response has been so strong, Johnson has decided to poll his voters on other issues.

  • “Should I order pepperoni or sausage on my pizza”?
  • “If my wife is out and I get a phone call asking ‘Is the woman of the house is there,’ should I say no or fake a woman’s voice and say, ‘This is she.’”
  • “Hypothetically speaking, if my political opponent claims he has a video of me illegally parking in a handicapped space in 2012, should I own up to my misdeed or claim I was saving the spot for my mother’s mobility scooter”?
  • “If I am continually criticized for being noncommittal and indecisive, should I hire a consultant to help me formulate a forceful and convincing response?”
  • “Is it ‘indecisive’ or ‘undecisive’”?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”