Tag: Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Planning

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

Dear Family,

Gerry and I are so looking forward to seeing you on Thanksgiving. Here’s what people are bringing so far:

Aunt Diane: “I’m bringing chestnut stuffing.”

Cousin Lois: “We’re bringing cranberry sauce and wine.”

Grandpa Leon: “After going through a painful divorce this year, I’m bringing my emotional baggage.”

Cousin Steve’s partner, Fred: “Steve and I are making a pumpkin pie.”

Aunt Sally: “I’m bringing a list of pointed questions for our MAGA relatives”

Uncle Ray’s new wife, Nicole: “I’m bringing a green bean casserole.”

Cousin Eddy: “I will be arriving with my usual uncontrollable urge to drink, even though I shouldn’t – and my apologies in advance for drinking too much.”

Phil: “(Please note I no longer go by my old name Phyllis) “Brussels sprouts.”

Second cousin Andrea: “Pepto-Bismol to be taken immediately after eating Phil’s Brussels sprouts.”

Grandma Fran: “My usual frustration at not being able to get a word in edgewise.”

Uncle Ken: “A box to hold everyone’s grudges.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

How to Have a Safe Thanksgiving (Turkey Excluded)

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment
  • Move the children’s table out to the tool shed.
  • Point obnoxious relatives, who expend potentially lethal particles while explaining why Trump actually won the election, in the direction of an open window.
  • Warm chestnut stuffing is very pliable. Still, covering your face with it is no substitute for a mask.
  • Always get tested before and after cranberry sauce wrestling.
  • During family Zoom gatherings, make sure the children leave the room before Uncle Jeffrey Toobin logs on.
  • Don’t share food or drink with anyone. As an added precaution, dogs should drink out of separate toilets.
  • Stay at least six feet apart from anyone who does not live with you. Stay at least twelve feet apart from anyone you wish did not live with you.
  • Avoid touching your mask, eyes, nose, mouth – unless you’re putting the moves on yourself.
  • Make the meal more of a shared experience by deciding which family member has been the biggest disappointment.
  • It’s okay to loosen your belt after stuffing yourself with turkey, yams and green bean casserole. It’s not, however, okay to maintain any social distance between you and your pants.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”