Ten Things Extroverts Wished They Had Let Introverts Say

…If they could stop talking for one second


  • I noticed our waiter didn’t wash his hands in the men’s room.
  • I too think Janice would make a great treasurer, but you do know she served time for embezzlement.
  • Is that your car being towed?
  • I can think of a few good reasons why our candidate should be against kindergarten students carrying loaded firearms.
  • If you have no objections to a hard working drug mule joining your family, I am asking for your daughter’s hand in marriage.
  • He’s great at multitasking if by multitasking you mean being a sales manager and Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.
  • Here’s what I think about your plan, General Custer.
  • Why should we assume a 300-lb man, covered in tattoos, breaking into our apartment is really good at heart?
  • Contrary to what you may believe, I don’t think that’s one of the ways to skin a cat.
  • Is that package ticking?

Captors Forced to Endure Silent Treatment from Introverted Prisoners

bored_prisoner_01A much-anticipated congressional report investigating torture methods carried out by the government’s security agency revealed the extent to which introverted captives inflicted emotional damage on their interrogators.

“They seem to thrive on isolation and silence” said one agent. “Even when we try to be friendly, they don’t talk. Frankly, it hurts our feelings.”

Report after report described the introverted prisoners as “silent,” “arrogant,” “standoffish,” and “stuck up”. An interrogator recounts, “I got so frustrated, I screamed ‘Why are you so quiet?’ He just looked at me and said, ‘Why can’t you stop yapping? Waterboarding is more stimulating than your dimwitted tête-à-tête.’”

The prisoner’s behavior mystified the most seasoned agents. “Why don’t they want to talk about the weather or the Kardashians?” was a frequently-asked question. “The only time the introverted prisoners get visibly upset is when we remove them from solitary confinement.”

The captors’ frustration was summed up by one agent: “I put down my whip and electric cattle prod in exasperation and screamed, “Why aren’t you saying anything?” “The prisoner responded, ‘It’s not as if I’m not thinking anything.’”