June 2015 – Living Inside My Head

Incredible Hulk Erupts After Date Asks “Why Are You So Quiet?”

Published on June 25, 2015June 25, 2015 by benalp2013Leave a comment

Chaos ensued at a local eatery after mild mannered Bruce Banner’s blind date continued to ask: “Why are you so quiet.” Banner finally could take it no longer and involuntarily transformed into the raging Incredible Hulk. The owner of Le Petit Horreur Café is still totaling the damages.

Sheryl Panzoni, who met Banner through the dating website MatingMadScientists dot Com, had no idea he had an alter ego. “He said he possessed super human strength but everybody embellishes their personal ads. Bruce had a cute smile so I agreed to meet him for dinner.”

She said her date with Banner began uneventfully. “He was very polite. We met at the restaurant. I told him about my family. He told me about his experimental gamma bomb accident. He seemed like a nice guy but barely spoke.”

“After a while I got tired of carrying the conversation. I asked if there was something wrong and he said no.” Panzoni continued questioning Banner about his quiet nature until she noticed a slight change in his demeanor. “His body started to grow, he turned green, and started to grunt. I thought, ‘Oops, I think I’ve pressed his button.’ At this point I knew he wasn’t going to drive me home.”

Within seconds, Bruce Banner turned into the Incredible Hulk and began destroying the eatery. As customers fled, Panzoni pleaded with Banner/Hulk, “You don’t have to talk. We can just sit and eat!” The Hulk ignored her and continued destroying the hostess station.

By the time he knocked over the dessert cart, Panzoni had realized Banner wasn’t exaggerating in his online profile about being an introvert.

Despite the evening ending with her date being dragged away by 20 National Guardsmen, Sheryl Panzoni has no regrets. “He sent me a lovely note apologizing for his behavior. I admit things didn’t go well, but I came to admire his quiet dignity – and he was still nicer than most guys I meet online.”

All Quiet on the Introvert Front

Published on June 24, 2015June 24, 2015 by benalp2013Leave a comment

It’s never easy for an introvert to be heard in a group of extroverts. Here are some simple things you can say that can make the difference between getting your two cents in and going home with change in your pocket.

To politely interrupt someone, try saying:

No one is more is hypnotized by the sweet dulcet tones of your pointless rants than me. Might I suggest another option?
This is the first time I’ve seen someone’s clothes go out of style as they spoke.
I didn’t hear what you said. I was growing up in Ohio.
I’d like to make a point before I lapse into a coma.
I need to speak now. My doctor says I only have 70 years to live.

When someone tries to interrupt you, try saying:

I was polite enough to listen to your position which I believe you began explaining during the Carter Administration.
You startled me. I almost pulled out my gun and started firing indiscriminately.
Am I interrupting your interruption?
Go ahead. I normally finish my thoughts in mid-sentence.
Your babbling incoherent boorishness has been noted.

10 Signs Your Conversion from Introvert to Extrovert isn’t Working

Published on June 23, 2015June 23, 2015 by benalp2013Leave a comment

You’re starting to avoid your new 58 best friends.

You’ve developed arthritic fingers from being clingy.

You were rushed to an emergency room after saying, “Nice weather we’ve been having.”

You barked orders at a sales meeting – to yourself

You picked a man up at a bar, took him back to your apartment, tore your clothes off, and told him you needed to be alone.

You’re only nodding at your Toastmasters meetings.

People have yet to start liking you.

You’ve developed a nervous tick every time you say “Sure, I’d love to come to your party!”

You still miss people asking “Are you Okay?”

This carefree joy crap is starting to wear you down.

Couple Celebrates 50 Years of Barely Talking

Published on June 22, 2015June 22, 2015 by benalp2013Leave a comment

When John Fenamore and David Clamup sat next to each other at a home insecticide disposal lecture 50 years ago, they had no idea it was the beginning of a quiet relationship that would culminate in marriage 49 years later.

“I didn’t notice him at first,” said Fenamore, the retired CEO of Speedy Muffler. “Then Dave accidentally spilled a container of DDT on me. I said, ‘Hey’ and he said ‘Sorry’.”

Clamup, a semi-retired metal detector repair technician, remembers that moment as if it were yesterday. “That’s right. I said, “Sorry.”

The two quiet men immediately sensed a chemistry between them and started seeing each other on a regular basis. For the next three years their conversations consisted of “yup,” “nope,” “fine with me,” and “why not?”

The couple’s close and loving relationship is quickly apparent. They never look at each other and easily complete each other’s moments of silence. Asked if they could describe their husband’s eyes, both men said, “two.”

Fenamore and Clamup started living together in 1967. John remembers fondly, “Didn’t say a word to each other till 1973. Good times.”

The silent partners were finally able to marry in New York last year. Their wedding announcement read simply, “We said ‘I do.’ We’re done.”

Asked how two people can remain in a committed relationship for so long while hardly talking to each other, Clamup shrugged, “Don’t have much to say.”

An Introvert’s Letter to the Extroverted World

Published on June 18, 2015June 18, 2015 by benalp2013Leave a comment

Dear Extroverted World,

You may have noticed we haven’t been getting along lately. Okay, we’ve never gotten along.

It’s not that I haven’t tried. I appreciate that you introduced me to your 42 million “closest” friends. But I’ve come to realize I can only handle so many companions named Jennifer.

I’ve tried to reach out and connect with you. I came to your parties with the full intention of making eye contact and reacting enthusiastically to inconsequential small talk. But the second I walked through the door and heard the sounds of friendly social interaction, a message flashed in my brain saying “Ain’t gonna happen.”

For most of my life I thought being one of the gang would make me happy. The fact that I attended 38 consecutive kareoke nights with a group of acquaintances shows I made an effort. The breakthrough moment for me came on the night I sang “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” for the 38th consecutive time.

I realized then it was never meant to be. I would never take charge in meetings and ignore the people who may have something important to say. I would never get jazzed when I heard someone say they’re “pumped.” I would never ask my mailman about his trip to Disneyworld because I need to talk to somebody.

My beloved Extroverted World, my biggest hope is that we can remain friends. Please don’t take it personally when I tell you I’d rather shave my left leg with a rusty razor than come to your Cinco de Mayo party. Don’t be offended if I’m hiding in the back row of your “It’s Time to Shine” assertiveness seminar.

There will always be a special place in my heart for you – a quiet place located a safe distance away.

With deep affection (although it may not show),

An introvert

Introverted Groom Hospitalized in Dancing Accident

Published on June 15, 2015June 16, 2015 by benalp2013Leave a comment

An extremely introverted groom lost consciousness after collapsing from self-consciousness. Ellis McKinney was rushed to a local hospital shortly after he and his bride began the first dance at their wedding reception.

Seconds after the band launched into “Just in Time,” McKinney noticed hundreds of partygoers watching him. He began to hyperventilate and then spun around in what appeared to be a fancy dance move. He fell dizzily to the floor. Bride Janice Ankelman-McKinney screamed hysterically when she realized he wasn’t break dancing.

“He told me he felt uncomfortable being the center of attention,” sobbed Ankelman-McKinney. “I tried to make things easier for him. We even had his identical twin brother take his place in the reception line.”

Best man, Neil Copper said, “I’m not surprised this happened. At our bachelor party, he kept telling the stripper giving him a lap dance, ‘Please, I need my space.’”

McKinney regained consciousness in the hospital but became agitated when his nurse began humming “Sunrise Sunset.” He’s expected to fully recover.

Although still in shock, his young bride said she’s relieved and “thankful I didn’t ask him to do the Chicken Dance. It would’ve killed him.”

Growing up in an Extrovert Family

Published on June 11, 2015June 11, 2015 by benalp2013Leave a comment

It’s tough for Introverts to interact with strangers. The only thing tougher for some is to interact with their families.

Being the only introvert in an extrovert family is never easy, but it’s great training for surviving the extrovert world.

The same strategies that help introverts survive karaoke nights with obnoxious workmates named “that guy in accounts receivable” can also help them survive station-wagon-packed family vacations to Disneyland.

Here are some helpful tips that apply to both the family and business worlds:

Take time to recharge – Sitting at a family dinner while listening to your little sister talk about dance class is never easy. But it’s a great time to work on your “Isn’t that fascinating?” face, which will always come in handy when you’re thinking about more important things like, “When can I leave?”

Set an interaction quota – For example, each day, reward yourself for speaking to one of your siblings and ignoring the others – on a rotating basis, of course. Then buy yourself a treat without worrying about making eye contact with the 7-Eleven cashier.

Find your personal networking style – For a lot of kids it’s throwing food. For others, it’s screaming for help after you’ve been stuffed into your locker.

Find the other family introverts – Your self-absorption may have prevented you from noticing there are additional loners in the family. Take the time to introduce yourself. Then check back with them in 15 years.

Work on your conversation-starters – Introverts like to plan conversations in their head, sometimes for the next 15 years. It never hurts to prepare lines like, “Dad, I got drunk and cashed the car.” Or, “Mom, I charged a tattoo and a piercing to your credit card.”

Find ways to demonstrate your passion and skills – People often think introverts are passive creatures with little to say or do. Show them you’re more than a quiet loner. Start by constructing a tamper-proof lock for your bedroom door.

Build on your existing contacts – If you like to play basketball with your best friend Larry, ask Larry if he has any friends who, 15 years from now, may need legal assistance for a drunk driving charge.

Smile – But not so much your parents think you’ve joined a cult.

Marcel Marceau, the Very Quiet Introvert

Published on June 1, 2015June 1, 2015 by benalp2013Leave a comment

You would think having a job that requires being silent would be the perfect occupation for an introvert. Marcel Marceau (1923-2000), universally considered the world’s greatest mime, thought otherwise.

He was a classic introvert. At parties he hated small mime. It was practically impossible for him to gesture, “How are you?” “Nice weather we’ve been having.” “You must give me the recipe for these invisible cheese puffs!”

Marceau told his imaginary biographer, “I can put myself in invisible rooms but I can’t keep invisible people out. I try to ignore them. They always want to say. ‘hello,’ ask how I’m doing, and sell me life insurance.”

He spent his life trying to avoid make-believe people. “On an intellectual level I know they don’t exist, but I can’t avoid them,” Marceau told a reporter from Popular Mime magazine in 1977. He revealed in the same interview he’d been seeing an invisible therapist for the past 25 years. “Sure, I could make more progress with an actual therapist but my guy charges so little and he really gets me.”

Marcel Marceau was married three times, once to a woman who actually existed. “It was always the same problem: ‘Marcel, why are you so quiet?’ ‘Marcel, stop smelling that invisible flower and come to bed.’ I’ve always preferred one-on-none relationships. But every time I create an invisible wall to keep the world out, I allow another beautiful invisible creature back in my heart. I’m the classic introvert. I can’t live with imaginary people. I can’t live without them.”