A much-anticipated congressional report investigating torture methods carried out by the government’s security agency revealed the extent to which introverted captives inflicted emotional damage on their interrogators.

“They seem to thrive on isolation and silence” said one agent. “Even when we try to be friendly, they don’t talk. Frankly, it hurts our feelings.”

Report after report described the introverted prisoners as “silent,” “arrogant,” “standoffish,” and “stuck up”. An interrogator recounts, “I got so frustrated, I screamed ‘Why are you so quiet?’ He just looked at me and said, ‘Why can’t you stop yapping? Waterboarding is more stimulating than your dimwitted tête-à-tête.’”

The prisoner’s behavior mystified the most seasoned agents. “Why don’t they want to talk about the weather or the Kardashians?” was a frequently-asked question. “The only time the introverted prisoners get visibly upset is when we remove them from solitary confinement.”

The captors’ frustration was summed up by one agent: “I put down my whip and electric cattle prod in exasperation and screamed, “Why aren’t you saying anything?” “The prisoner responded, ‘It’s not as if I’m not thinking anything.’”