Mark Loofton

Last year, I joined the “Do a Good Deed or Die Doing It Club.” I pledged to brighten up every introvert I know – whether they liked it or not.

So far, I’m batting zero and totally depressed. Introverts are now approaching ME and asking, “Are you okay?”

I don’t understand.

Each time I try to console an introvert friend in need, their reaction is always the same:

“I am happy.”

“Just because I’m not smiling doesn’t mean there’s something wrong.”

“What part of ‘Leave me alone’ don’t you understand?”

“Excuse me, this is a private funeral.”

“Didn’t you read the restraining order?”

I wish I could convince my socially adverse friends that being more approachable brings immeasurable joy into their lives. If only they knew the pleasure I feel each time a co-worker I vaguely know approaches me and proceeds to talk non-stop about her upcoming colonoscopy.

I understand never smiling  has its advantages. For example, you always look like your driver’s license photo. Also, it can be helpful in professions like multi-national corporation CEO or freelance dominatrix. And yes, there is something sexy about clenched teeth and a guttural growl.

But I can’t believe introverts with gloomy demeanors are really happy – especially the ones who see me approaching.

Mark Loofton is a door-to-door doorbell salesman. He holds the Guinness World Records for longest period of time without taking no for an answer.