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All Introvert Hangovers Are Not Equal

introvert_hangover_04Introvert hangovers come in many forms. Generally, the cure is always the same: Get as far away from people as possible, which is not an easy task if you’re an usher at Madison Square Garden.

Introvert hangovers, however, can be as different as the boisterous extroverts who provoke them. The following describes some common hangovers and sure-fire treatments.

Condition Symptom Remedy
Flapping Tongue Fatigue Dizziness after being asked for the 20th time in a job interview, “Why do you want to work here?” Forge a doctor’s note stating “<your name> needs to rest his/her jaw for the next 25 years.”
Congested Layover Exhaustion Extreme weariness experienced when sitting between two burly bodies, usually while waiting for a connecting flight to Des Moines. Head for the food court and create a quiet and comforting “safe” space away from people. For example, in a quickly-fashioned Cinnabon igloo.
Delusions of Networking A whimsical belief your life will change for the better if you can just gather the courage and introduce yourself to the regional sales manager. Hand your business card to the nearest waiter serving Shrimp Tostada Bites, declare victory and sprint to the warmth and safety of your hotel room.
No Luckus Interruptus Vanquished feeling at condo board meetings when realizing you’ll never get a word in edgewise Get everyone’s attention by pulling an Exorcist: Spin your head 360 degrees, vomit pea soup and groan, “I agree, we need to replace the lounge chairs around the pool.”
Inner Monologue Depletion Being so tired of people, you can’t even talk to the voices in your head. Concentrate and think, “Folks, can we continue this conversation another time?” More than anyone, the voices will understand.
Blank Stare Discombobulation When your “pretending-to-listen” facial expression morphs into your “Please stop talking so I can leave!” look. Allow a family of squirrels to store their nuts in your cheeks. That way you’ll always appear attentive and inquisitive.

 

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