Grubby Trumpy

A cybercriminal gang is threatening a ransomware attack on New York celebrity lawyer Allen Grubman’s firm Grubman, Shire, Meiselas and Sacks (GSMS). They’ve doubled their ransom demand to $42 million and have promised to publish compromising information on A-list stars including President Trump, according to reports.

I’ve been able to get my hands on some of the Trump files. Most include complaints about fast food orders that skimped on the French fries. But there were a few other interesting correspondences.

December 15, 2000: Hi Grubby, I’m sorry to keep asking you this but do you spell lawyer with one or two Ws?

November 9, 2001: Eric is out of my will until he gets his SAT scores above 100.

August 8, 2003: I can assure you, the countless letters, videos, audio tapes and 53 signed affidavits are all lies. And I had no idea there was a hooker sending text messages to Page Six from my Mar a Lago bedroom closet.

June 8, 2008: It’s very simple: I didn’t pay my cleaning lady for three months because I had lost confidence in her ability to dust.

September 12, 2011: Quick question. My iPhone doesn’t work. I dropped it in the toilet again. Can we sue Apple?

February 7, 2012: If my cook sculps cows out of Spam, can we then call them Trump Steaks?

May 8, 2015: Important!!! Cease Trump Tower eviction proceedings immediately for Skippy Putin. I had no idea who his older brother was.

January 12, 2016: I need to know something very quickly, and this is purely hypothetical. Say I’m standing in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody. From a legal standpoint, can I deduct the bullets as a business expense?

July 10, 2018: Allen, check your law books and the Constitution again. There has to be a way to change “In God We Trust” to “In Trump We Trust.”

January 3, 2020: I’m just spit balling here but can I pardon myself now for anything I’m convicted of after I leave office?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”