Month: June 2020

What are People Wearing Masks Thinking?

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It’s hard to tell to tell what people wearing masks are thinking. Here’s a simple guide to help.

“Yes, my mask matches my underwear.”

 

“Dear God, I should never have ordered the liver and onions.”

 

 

“Don’t you recognize me? We lived together for 12 years.”

 

“I feel like robbing a liquor store.”

 

“Now can I pee in the pool?”


“Doesn’t this make awkward silence almost enjoyable?”

 

“This isn’t fair. My upper lip is my best feature.”

 



“(Sigh) No offense, but my old boyfriend could really fill out a mask.”

 

“Maybe I should’ve just stayed home.”

 

“I think I inhaled a rhinestone.”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

 

Things I’ve Never Told Anyone

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  • I never went to my junior or senior high school proms because I was too embarrassed to admit I couldn’t pronounce “cummerbund.”

 

  • When people ask me, “What are you thinking?”, I always say what I think they want to hear – even if I’m thinking, “She should really have someone look at the mole.”

 

  • When I die, I’d like to be buried laying on my side watching TV.

 

  • The one thing I wish I could say to strangers is, “You really need to start using deodorant.”

 

  • When asked at job interviews if I like working with people, I always say “yes.” If I was totally honest, I’d say: “No, I do my best work in a moderate-sized rental storage unit.”

 

  • Whenever I wear a mask, I mumble disdainful things about people who aren’t wearing masks.

 

  • When people in passing boats wave at me, I wave back, but my heart isn’t in it.

 

  • I’m so bad at math I can’t even count calories.

 

  • If we’re introduced, I won’t remember your name, but I will remember if you’re missing a tooth.

 

  • When I voted during the last election, I took two “I Voted” stickers in case I forget to vote in the next election.

 

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Thoughts While in Introvert Lockdown

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  • Voted Most Likely to Have Resting Bitch Face — While taking a break from obsessing about nothing in particular, I perused my high school senior yearbook. As I thumbed through page after page of graduating senior photos, one thing stood out: Numerous classmate’s facial expressions were as grim as mine often is. In fact, they looked as if they were about to testify in front of a grand jury. And me? There I was, Mr. Bitchface beaming brighter than a Florida orange juice commercial. The irony of it all made me break out in a semi-grimace.
  • This is why you always see rabbits dining alone — According to the Max Planck Institute for Human Cognitive and Brain Sciences, introverts are more likely to eat plant-based diets. It also explains why the Myers–Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) questionnaire doesn’t ask “How would you like your steak cooked?”
  • Extroverts ahoy! — I was standing on a wharf near my house, and a pleasure boat loaded with happy passengers pulled up. They waived at me. I waived back. I felt a bit uncomfortable but also smugly proud. As my hand moved slowly back and forth, I thought: “This won’t suffice for a deep conversation, but I’m sure it will make you feel validated. And by the way, why aren’t any of you wearing masks?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

After Military Says No, Trump Must Look Elsewhere for Protest Control. Here are Some Suggestions.

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Trump wanted to send 10,000 active-duty troops into the streets of Washington, DC until military aides convinced him otherwise. He has since used everything at his disposal against the demonstrators including personnel from the U.S. Secret Service, National Guard, Customs and Border Protection and more.

Given the growing anti-Trump fervor, this still may not be enough. Here are some other loyal resources he can tap.

  • Mall cops — No one is more imposing than a uniformed person with a badge and a book of Cinnabon coupons.
  • Meter maids — Five words: “Stop or I’ll ticket you!”
  • Unemployed Olive Garden busboys — They’ve got unlimited bread sticks and are not afraid to use them.
  • Civil War impersonators — Isn’t it about time we see what these folks can do in a real fight?
  • Boy Scout Troop 27, Fort Wayne, Indiana — Most have earned their merit badges in Knot Tying and Pepper Spraying.
  • Amazon delivery drivers — Nothing clears a street faster than a wave of hurled packages.
  • “The Bachelor” Runner-up Alumni Association — Imagine an army of rejected women so desperate for any exposure, they’d risk a TMZ clip showing them kneeing a 75-year-old grandmother in the groin.
  • Junior high school hall monitors — These are some of the world’s leading experts in pedestrian flow control and chewing gum detection.
  • Radio City Rockettes — They kick high. They kick ass.
  • Assault rifle-wielding American Yahoos — What better way to audition for the next Trump acting cabinet secretary position?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”