Month: April 2020

Things I’m Selfishly Thankful for During the COVID-19 Pandemic

Published on by benalp20131 Comment

  • I have enough toilet paper.
  • My wife and I are getting along even though we don’t always agree on disinfecting etiquette.
  • Since I’m an introvert, I’ve adapted easily to social distancing. Quite frankly, I was disappointed when I heard it was six feet and not six miles.
  • After being asked for lifetime, “How come you never smile?’, I love wearing a medical mask. It means I no longer have to lie and respond, “I’m grieving over the death of my pet ameba, Lewis.”
  • I’ve learned to appreciate food that most shoppers don’t hoard—like seagull-flavored gelato.
  • My political action committee has only been Zoom bombed once, by a lonely naked guy who has since become the only group member who truly gets me.
  • When listening to Bob Fosse musicals, my jazz hands are just as expressive with nitrile gloves.
  • Since I’ve always worked at home, I already have cubicles for me and my dog.
  • I live in a state which places more importance in increasing testing than reopening tattoo parlors and Waffle Houses.
  • Did I say I have enough toilet paper?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Our Mad-Scientist-in-Chief May Be On To Something

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

trump_02

Sure, injecting disinfectant into the body as suggested by President Trump might cause 99 or 100 percent of sick patients to die, but as he says, isn’t it worth taking a chance?

And while we’re on the subject, why aren’t we testing other household cleaning products. One person’s (or practically everyone’s) lethal prescription could be another’s medical breakthrough.

Think of the possibilities:

  • Scrubbing Bubbles has products that clean everything, from your toilet to your shower. It only makes sense that one of them could put the shine back in your liver.
  • Why spend countless dollars on surgery when a simple application (or two) of Drano can instantly clear a clogged heart valve?
  • Do you know who really benefits from cataract surgery? The insurance companies. Perhaps that’s why none of them will pay for a simple squirt of Windex.

I’m not criticizing Dr. Fauci. I’m sure he’s a qualified immunologist. But has he, like President Trump, watched countless hours of Fox News hosts pitch insightful softball questions at some of the world’s great medical minds like Doctors Oz, Drew and Phil?

The president may not have a medical degree or know the difference between a ventilator and a George Foreman grill, but as he says, “I like this stuff. I really get it.” That’s enough medical knowledge for me. After all, whom would you rather be examined by: a doctor who is totally familiar with every part of the anatomy—even the ones you hardly ever use—or a clinician whose great instincts tell him your heart is located somewhere in your upper torso?

Let’s support the president. Be open minded the next time he says, “That guest with the tin-foil hat who Judge Jeanine interviewed said chugalugging Pine-Sol will kill the coronavirus. Isn’t it worth a try?”

After all, who wouldn’t want their corpse to have a forest green scent?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

No Representation Without Self-Gratification — Election Commission Meeting Interrupted by Man Masturbating on Zoom

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

nakedman_02A virtual meeting of the Indiana Election Commission on the Zoom online video platform was disrupted by a video of a man masturbating.

I realize that every voice in a democracy should be heard. But should we respect every comment, cry and groan?

And what was this guy, who obviously cares about election procedures, thinking about while polishing his banister? It’s certainly something to ponder the next time your caressing hand so gently inserts your vote into a ballot box.

This is not to imply that self-pleasuring people cannot have valid opinions about important issues of the day. In fact, I have to give this man some credit. Many people are too lazy to even vote. This bishop choker not only attended the meeting but “took over the single screen shared among commission members, numerous state and county election officials and members of the media.” Less civic-minded citizens have skipped elections to stay home and wax their cars.

Maybe it’s time we start giving some — not all — public turtle burpers their due. Some may have deep-seated problems that require tons of professional help. That does not mean, aside from their uncontrollable libidos, they aren’t standup citizens who care about their country.

The next time your online city council meeting is interrupted by a heavy-breathing man cuffing his carrot, don’t be outraged, don’t be repulsed, don’t insist the self-abusing scoundrel should not count as part of a quorum. Simply look away and say, “Thank you for your service.”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”