• Most hot dogs eaten while doing taxes.
• Longest time waiting to get a CVS clerk’s attention.
• Oldest kindergarten graduate.
• Largest insect found in a motel bed.
• Most emails asking a friend if she/he received email that said, “Please respond.”
• Most blind dates ending with the question; “Is that a birthmark or an Aryan Nation tattoo?”
• Most times a psychotherapist mentions, “They’re doing wonderful things with electro shock therapy.”
• Longest time breath held voluntarily in a porta potty.
• Most times tripping over the world’s longest mustache.
• Largest collection of anything.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”