Jon Brower Minnoch was the heaviest recorded human in history, weighing approximately 1,400 pounds. He was married twice, which made me wonder: what was his dating life like?

Dear Jon,

I had a lovely time last night. Thank you for dinner. You were a perfect gentleman. I can’t help wondering, however, why you neglected to tell me you are larger than a mid-size sedan and haven’t left your room since the Roosevelt Administration. Had I known, I can’t say with certainty I would have turned down your invitation, but I might have prepared for the shock of meeting a gigantic mountain of rolling flesh by having one or 30 drinks.

I did enjoy our dinner conversation although, truth be told, it’s hard to stay focused while your companion is wolfing down 35 pizzas. (By the way, I was too stunned to mention there was a piece of pepperoni stuck to the north side of your face.)

Jon, you’re a great guy. I don’t know many fellows who are bigger than seven men, yet feel comfortable wearing Banlon shirts with horizontal stripes.

Unfortunately, I’m looking for someone with whom I can share my life—preferably in one time zone. I wish you the best of luck. And don’t give up on your dreams. There’s a girl out there for you, if you haven’t already crushed her.

Sincerely

Cynthia

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”