Month: July 2025

Bennett There, Done That

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Pro golfer Scottie Scheffler’s cute 14-month-old son Bennett may have stolen the show after his father won the British Open, but he has no idea what’s in store for him. Not because his father is a famous athlete, but because he is cursed with the first name, Bennett.

Take it from one Bennett to another: Life is not easy when most people cannot distinguish between your first and last name.

For me, it started in grade school when teachers asked, “Is Bennett your last name?” – until just days ago when a phone solicitor politely queried, “Am I speaking to Mr. Bennett?” I’m sure no one ever asked, “Am I speaking to Mr. Tony, Mr. Bennett Tony?”

And I have no doubt if I signed the Declaration of Independence, someone would have complained: “Hey Founder brain, it’s not Hancock, John and it’s not Bennett, Alper!”

When I was a young Bennett, the only other person with Bennett as a first name that I knew of was writer, publisher and all-around witty guy, Bennett Cerf – a Bennett, by the way, whose secretary was my wife’s mother, who no doubt would’ve been docked a week’s pay if she asked, “Is it Bennett Cerf of Cerf Bennett?” But he was a Bennett I viewed as more an exception than the rule.

This confusion with my first and last names reached a boiling point in high school when a new teacher asked, “Is Alper your first name?” What the hell, I thought, I answered, “Yes, my name is Al, Al Bennett.” For the rest of the semester, each time he called me Al, the class would burst into laughter. It was my first and last gig as a standup comic.

At some point, I gave up and began calling myself Ben – just like another not-so-well-known Bennett, Bennett Cohen of Ben and Jerry’s. This has reduced a lot of explanation time, although now I occasionally hear, “Do you know there’s actually a guy named Bennett Alper?”

So little Bennett Scheffler, enjoy your carefree adorable days while you can; it won’t be long before a daycare teacher scans her class list and asks, “Scheffler? Is there a Scheffler Bennett here?”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

My One-on-One Interview with the Man I Might Have Been

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At some point, most of us look back and ask: “Is this the life I should have lived?” To find out, I sat down and talked with the person I might have been.

Me: Thank you for taking the time to speak with me.

Man I might have been: Glad to be here.

Me: You look fabulous.

Man I might have been: I’ve always taken good care of myself. I’ve never been even one ounce overweight.

Me: Very impressive. I still promise myself to lay off the sweets and join a gym.

The question I’ve always asked myself is: Would I have been able to live the life I only dreamed about?

Man I might have been: I can only speak for me: I have, and it’s been wonderful.

Me: Good point. I’m jealous. I’ve tried to be like you, but it hasn’t been easy.

Man I might have been: No pain, no gain, my friend.

Me: I imagined being an astrophysicist married to a humanitarian-of-the-year physician with a perfect ten body. How did you do it?

Man I might have been: Very simple. Dreamers dream. Dreams just do it. I wouldn’t have won the Nobel Peace Prize for solving that mess in the Middle East if I sat around fantasizing about it. I took your dream and ran with it.

Me: A dream, I might add, you didn’t give me credit for when you accepted the award.

Man I might have been: I’m sorry, but if I’m not mistaken, you’ve also dreamed about being a selfish bastard. I won’t lie. I’ve loved being the figment of your imagination. Without you, I wouldn’t have been an astronaut and flown to Mars.

Me: I thought about that shortly after I dropped out of community college. Was there ever a time when living my dreams was a disappointment?

Man I might have been: Once. When you imagined you were a brilliant heart surgeon, then suddenly switched gears and envisioned playing fullback for the New York Giants.

Me: That’s because I suddenly remembered the sight of blood nauseates me.

Man I might have been: Let me ask you a question. Are there moments when you’re perfectly content with your actual life?

Me: Usually on Saturday mornings when I’m eating a lightly toasted bagel.

Man I might have been: Any other times?

Me: One evening in 2003 I looked in a mirror and burst into song, “You do something to me, something that simply mystifies me.”

Man I might have been: I’d kill for that moment.

Me: That’s the nicest thing I’ve ever fantasized you’d say.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”