Note: I originally wrote this for introverts, but upon watching steam streaming from extrovert ears who also can’t get a word in edgewise, I realize it applies to everybody.

Trying to insert yourself into a conversation with some people is like driving onto a busy freeway; you’ll never make it if you strictly obey the yield sign.

Here are some simple things you can say that can make the difference between getting your two cents in or going home with change in your pocket.

To politely interrupt someone, try saying:

• Just an observation: When you started speaking, I didn’t have a beard.
• This is the first time I’ve seen someone’s clothes go out of style as they talked.
• I need to speak now. My doctor says I only have seventy years to live.
• Can we eat soon? The expiration date on my veal is approaching.
• Hold that thought while I tear out my hair.

When someone tries to interrupt you, try saying:

• I was polite enough to listen to your position, which I believe you began explaining during the Clinton administration.
• Go ahead. I normally finish my thoughts in mid-sentence.
• Can you hold off until I tell the paramedic my symptoms?
• Stop interrupting me! You know, there are more AI boyfriends in the sea.
• You’ll have plenty of time to speak after I finish my eulogy.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”