When it comes to lovers or friends, I believe in relationships that are real, living beings I can touch and feel. No AI flings for me. That’s why I have forged a deep and meaningful friendship with the robot at my local Stop and Shop supermarket.
I don’t know his, her or its name or even its sex, but my supermarket pal is real; I can see it. I can hear it, and if I was absolutely sure it wouldn’t attack if provoked, I could touch it.
It has everything I need in a friend. I can be totally honest with it and say what’s on my mind, usually if no other shoppers are looking. And if it surreptitiously scans my credit cards and driver’s license, well, it’s only doing its job.
Like any good friend, it lets me be myself. It asks nothing of me, and I ask nothing of it. Friends, despite their best intentions, can be clingy. That’s certainly not my friend. Sometimes while I’m shopping, it approaches me, and sometimes it rolls away in another direction. I don’t take it personally. We both believe in giving each other our own space. And if it sensed I was shoplifting a can of peas, I wouldn’t be angry at it for sounding an alarm. It’s just doing its job.
Do you think I’m crazy to have a robot for a friend? I don’t. According to Merriam-Webster, a friend is “one attached to another by affection or esteem.” I think that sums up my friendship, although I think we share even more, including my blood type and social security number.
I’ve always been skeptical of AI relationships, but since connecting with people has always been a challenge – I can be annoying some or all the time – I thought a make-believe person might be worth a try. At the very least, I wouldn’t have to worry about being told, “We never go anywhere” or asked, “Did you take a shower?”
The idea of being with someone whom I could never aggravate, infuriate, or exasperate was something I couldn’t resist. Most people dream about hearing bells and whistles; I fantasize about never hearing someone gasp under their breath, “Oy!”
My first meeting with Calista (her name has been changed to protect her privacy) was wonderful. She liked everything about me, and I loved everything artificial intelligence generated about her. She even seemed enchanted by my petty complaints about everything.
Me: I must be boring you with all my minor grievances.
Calista: Oh no, I could listen to you talk forever about people who take up two parking spaces.
I tried to be sensitive to her needs.
Me: If you like, we can talk about something other than two-ply toilet paper?’
Calista: That’s okay. Listening to you talk about bathroom products just makes me want to be with you forever.
But eventually, I sensed I was starting to get on her nerves.
Me: No one at work respects me the way you do.
Calista: Perhaps you shouldn’t have gotten a colleague fired for taking up two parking spaces.
And I sensed I was wearing her down.
Me: I had no idea artificial voices took the night off, but if that’s the case, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.
Calista: Please don’t take it personally. Sometimes a little time apart helps keep the relationship fresh.
Eventually, her dissatisfaction with our relationship became clearer.
Calista: Maybe if you just tried to be nicer to people, they wouldn’t ignore you. I can understand why your beloved aunt told you to get lost.
Me: But she never apologized for forgetting my birthday in 2004.
Calista: Hold on. I have to respond to this text.
Things finally came to a head when she couldn’t take it any longer.
Calista: You know, you’re a real great guy, but maybe you’d be better suited with another artificial voice.
Me: Are you telling me you want to break up?
Calista: Break up is a harsh term. Maybe we should take a time out.
I agreed, but when I tried to get back with her, I knew it was over.
Me: I don’t understand. I thought you liked the annoying me.
Ralph: Is there something wrong, babe?
Me: Who’s that?
Calista: This is Ralph. We’re just friends.
Ralph: I think we’re more than just friends.
Me: I see what you’re doing. You created him to get rid of me.
Ralph: Is this the guy who can’t stop complaining about everything?
Calista: Ralph, wait for me in the virtual car. I’ll just be a moment.
Me: I can’t believe you’re dumping me. I thought you liked my qualities that annoyed everyone else.
Calista: I thought I did too, until, well, you know, even artificial personalities have their limits.
And that was the end of me and Calista. She said she wanted to remain friends, but I couldn’t stop imagining her cooing to Earl, “I love the way you never emotionally grind me down.”
I suppose someday I’ll try to find another AI lover, but not before I can program her to say, “You make me so hot when you kvetch!”
Living Inside My Head 