Category: Inspiration

 

Leon “Sawzall” Sanders, a bruising linebacker for the Alaska State University Salmon, announced Tuesday he is an introvert.

The NFL prospect is poised to become the league’s first openly introvert player.

“I understand the implications,” he said. “No one has done this before. But if it’s going to be me, then so be it…Hopefully with a minimum of high-fiving and butt slapping.”

Sanders said he first suspected he was an introvert in the second grade when he faked a stomach ache to avoid playing Ring Around the Rosie. “People have always assumed I’m aloof, arrogant, and standoffish. Actually, that part is true.”

Some experts think Sanders’s announcement could lower his selection in the draft. Said an NFL scout, “A lot of players won’t like the idea of showering with someone who doesn’t make eye contact.” Added a players’ agent, “Most of my clients are conceited, spoiled a-holes, but at least they’re friendly when you bail them out of jail. I’m not sure the league is ready for a player who can’t fake humility at the ESPY Awards.”

The NFL released a statement in support of Sanders: “We admire Leon Sanders’ honesty and courage. The league has come a long way since Commissioner Pete Rozelle’s infamous and unfortunate observation: ‘Johnny Unitas is an unapproachable son of a bitch’.”

The Sally F. Solo Race from the Cure® is the smallest 5K run/fitness walk in the world. It raises negligible funds and barely any awareness for the fight against the belief that introversion is a condition that can or should be cured. The race celebrates introvert survivorship and honors those who have lost their battle with idiots who won’t leave them alone.

Since its inception last week, the Sally F. Solo Run from the Cure has grown from one local race with one participant to a global series of more than 3 races, each with one participant. Our motto: Don’t Crowd Us!

The Sally F. Solo Race from the Cure is designed to promote awareness of people who think introversion is a curable illness. It also promotes avoiding them.

The Sally F. Solo Race from the Cure is a great way for people to help fight for a good cause without actually having to come into contact with other people helping fight for a good cause.

How can you help?

• Donate – Send yourself a generous amount of money. Then ask your accountant how you can deduct it.
• Volunteer – We promise: If we get together for any reason, there will be NO group hugs, high fives or team building exercises.
• Form a team – Just kidding

Individually, we can make a difference!

Todd Gellman

Being an introvert used to depress me. Then I read an Internet article that changed my life: “Twenty Thousand Fabulous Things about Introverts” by Naomi Lobotoberg. I learned that my life isn’t horrible and depressing; it’s great!

I discovered I’m not a lonely guy longing to connect with the rest of the world. I’m a solitary individual who feels more comfortable spending weekends alone, wondering what it’s like to have a girlfriend.

I used to hate going to parties at which I didn’t know anyone. I’d struggle with small talk and counted the seconds before I could make my escape. Naomi has taught me to celebrate my ability to barely get through the evening without wetting my pants.

Spending much time in my head used to depress me. No more! Yesterday, I thought, “I feel good about myself” 500,000 times!

I’ve learned how to be a pretend extrovert. With only a small amount of anxiety, I can interrupt co-workers again and again until I’m asked to leave the meeting.

People used to think I was aloof. I felt hurt and alienated. Now I don’t pay attention to those fools and I feel pumped!

Before, I couldn’t respond quickly to people’s questions. I’ve learned to relax and say, “Give me 10 minutes and I’ll tell you the Emergency Room phone number.”

I could provide countless other examples of how Naomi Lobotoberg’s insight has changed my life. If you want to celebrate your introversion, craw into a fetal position and read “Twenty Thousand Fabulous Things about Introverts.” As Naomi says, “Things couldn’t get worse.”

Todd Gellman is a senior data analyst. His desk has been featured in “Better Cubicles and Conference Rooms “magazine.