Category: Lists

Taken by Takeaways

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

Have you noticed news writers and editors have become taken with “takeaways”? Who needs a beginning, middle and end to a story when you can have a list of equal observations?

Here are my takeaways on takeaways.

  • Aren’t you glad there wasn’t a newspaper story titled “Three Takeaways From President Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address”?
  • Aren’t you even more glad there wasn’t a newspaper story titled “900 Takeaways From the Allied Invasion of France”?
  • We can only hope a sharp editor would have killed one of the takeaways in “Eleven Takeaways From God’s New Ten Commandments.”
  • The same for “Four Takeaways From The Three Musketeers.”
  • If a news organization declares bankruptcy, can its creditors takeaway its takeaways?
  • Until recently, takeaway articles didn’t involve immigrants being taken away.
  • Little known fact: High Times magazine is the only publication that has tokeaways.
  • A story with five takeaways could be interesting. A dining experience with five takeaways could lead to food poisoning.
  • Ok, they’re not news stories, but rental car agreements could certainly use some takeaways.
  • This piece clearly shows why no article should have ten takeaways.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Officer, Do You Know Who I Am?

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Are you a self-important and intoxicated person who has considered slurring “Do you know who I am?” while being arrested? Before body cam footage of the incident ends up on a TMZ video segment, consider these less direct rejoinders to deal with the situation.

  • “Do you know who I was when starting out and the world looked bright and hopeful?”
  • “Do you know who I’ll be after my sex change operation?”
  • “Do you remember when we were young politicians and cops without a care in the world?”
  • “Do you know who I’d be if I had studied harder in school and applied myself?”
  • “Do you know the way to San Jose?”
  • “Do you know you’re kind of cute when you wrestle a suspect to the ground?”
  • “Do you know you’re not the first person to suggest I have a drinking problem?”
  • “Do you have a gun in your holster, or are you just pleased to see me?”
  • “Do you have any helpful tips on passing sobriety tests?”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”.

2024 Notable Births

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Every year, we recall famous people who have passed during the previous 12 months. But what about those born in 2024 who will go on to be famous and infamous? Here are just a few.

  • In 3024, Carl Hankman will be the first 100-year-old influencer to gain more than one trillion followers – most of them from other solar systems.
  • In 2058, Feminist Judy Anyday will become the first woman to marry a transgender robot named Laverne – only to have the marriage annulled after Laverne confesses it’s still married to a solar-powered toilet plunger.
  • In 2072, Debra Hanson will seal her role as a fashion icon when she invents the reversable thong.
  • In 2063, Neil Caron will star in Netflix’ ground-breaking 59-part documentary about a man who spends his entire life watching bread turn stale.
  • In 2031, Delores Rotenberg will become the world’s longest serving flight attendant at 106-years old – and break another record the next year by becoming the world’s longest serving flight attendant to go on maternity leave.
  • In 2052, Mets first baseman Charlie Campbell will lead his team to the World Series, then later admit an implanted android was telling him which pitches to swing at.
  • In 3012, Vincent Diorio will become the first openly heterosexual man to write a how-to sex guide for lesbians.
  • In 2058, Erin Rapoza will clone herself. She and her twin Louisa will spend the rest of their lives hopelessly trying to resolve petty issues in couples therapy.
  • In 3063, New York Times reporter Leon Yang will win his third Pulitzer Prize for his ground-breaking investigative series: “Barron Trump’s Lifelong Quest to Change His Name, Sex and Planet of Origin.”
  • In 2038, famed dermatologist Sheila Mandel will discover that Botox also makes a great dessert topping.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Good Introvert Job / Bad Introvert Job

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

 

Good Job for Introvert  Bad Job for Introvert 
 working_alone_01  clown-car
Enchanted forest freelance musician Carpooling clown
I contemplate beauty and nature. I contemplate extracting my nose from a colleague’s armpit.
I express myself through art. Sometimes it feels so good to beat Mr. Goobers with a rubber chicken.
I wake up at the break of dawn ready to begin my day. I hate commuting. Why do they always take the long way to the tent?
I treasure quiet moments with my dear chipmunk, Elijah. If I have to speak to one more guy with a big red nose…
Spending time alone in the woods makes me feel charged and alive. Fifteen seconds in the car with these Bozos and I’m ready to explode like a bad human cannonball.
Every creature in the forest respects my space. Every day, some clown “accidentally” grabs my groin.
When the last ray of sunlight disappears over the hills I lie back in a soft bed of moss and dream. After quitting time I’m in no mood for Karaoke Clown Night.