Category: News

I Have A Few Revelations

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

Before Maine oyster farmer/Senate candidate Graham Platner had time to inflate his “Platner 2026” balloons, he was forced to explain and apologize for numerous incendiary statements he made on social media way back in, well, way back just a couple of years ago. It’s hard to believe his positions and opinions could have been that different from what they are today. But like his Nazi tattoo, some things have just stuck with him.

Maybe it’s just part of being a candidate in this day and age. You must choose your words very carefully when even placing an online order for a jalapeno burger.

If I were running for office, would I too be forced to acknowledge any past indiscretions when I was younger and dumber? I’ll let you be the judge.

  • I was just a fool kid when I posted 53 white nationalist tirades an hour and a half ago.
  • When asked in a job interview “Can you tell us a little about yourself,” I failed to mention my year as a college intern for Reverent Jim Jones.
  • That kind of crude humor was how we all talked in the monastery.
  • When I said I was a communist, socialist and anarchist, I was in a different place. I believe it was my guest bedroom.
  • If I could go back in time and change things, I wouldn’t have parked in a handicap spot tonight.
  • I did at one time have four wives in three states. I plead guilty on that one. I’ve never been good at math.
  • My online dating profile may not have been totally truthful when I described myself as George Clooney.
  • In my defense, no one told me I couldn’t give my “60 Minutes” interviewer the middle finger.
  • It’s not that I’m looking for an easy race to win; I’ve just always wanted to run against an opponent who is awaiting sentencing for a felony conviction.
  • Until the police showed up at my house with a warrant. I had no idea an EZ Pass transponder didn’t automatically pay for a car wash.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Taken by Takeaways

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

Have you noticed news writers and editors have become taken with “takeaways”? Who needs a beginning, middle and end to a story when you can have a list of equal observations?

Here are my takeaways on takeaways.

  • Aren’t you glad there wasn’t a newspaper story titled “Three Takeaways From President Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address”?
  • Aren’t you even more glad there wasn’t a newspaper story titled “900 Takeaways From the Allied Invasion of France”?
  • We can only hope a sharp editor would have killed one of the takeaways in “Eleven Takeaways From God’s New Ten Commandments.”
  • The same for “Four Takeaways From The Three Musketeers.”
  • If a news organization declares bankruptcy, can its creditors takeaway its takeaways?
  • Until recently, takeaway articles didn’t involve immigrants being taken away.
  • Little known fact: High Times magazine is the only publication that has tokeaways.
  • A story with five takeaways could be interesting. A dining experience with five takeaways could lead to food poisoning.
  • Ok, they’re not news stories, but rental car agreements could certainly use some takeaways.
  • This piece clearly shows why no article should have ten takeaways.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”