Category: Pretty Good Ideas

Taken by Takeaways

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

Have you noticed news writers and editors have become taken with “takeaways”? Who needs a beginning, middle and end to a story when you can have a list of equal observations?

Here are my takeaways on takeaways.

  • Aren’t you glad there wasn’t a newspaper story titled “Three Takeaways From President Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address”?
  • Aren’t you even more glad there wasn’t a newspaper story titled “900 Takeaways From the Allied Invasion of France”?
  • We can only hope a sharp editor would have killed one of the takeaways in “Eleven Takeaways From God’s New Ten Commandments.”
  • The same for “Four Takeaways From The Three Musketeers.”
  • If a news organization declares bankruptcy, can its creditors takeaway its takeaways?
  • Until recently, takeaway articles didn’t involve immigrants being taken away.
  • Little known fact: High Times magazine is the only publication that has tokeaways.
  • A story with five takeaways could be interesting. A dining experience with five takeaways could lead to food poisoning.
  • Ok, they’re not news stories, but rental car agreements could certainly use some takeaways.
  • This piece clearly shows why no article should have ten takeaways.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

How to Get Your Letter to the Editor Published

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

You want to respond to an article you’ve read in a newspaper or magazine. How can you increase the chances your thoughtful and compelling letter will be published? Rule number one: It is always about you. Here are some examples:

  • Having lived my life as a modern interpretive dancer trapped in the body of a certified public accountant, I question writer Phyllis Foster’s thesis that people who can’t balance their checkbook are pansexual.
  • Your profile of football legend Johnny Unitas brought back memories of the time I dropped acid with Bart Starr.
  • As someone who was abducted by space aliens and endured six months of daily full-body cavity searches, I agree with Dr. Ross Sturgeon’s guidance in his piece, “The Importance of Regular Colonoscopy Screening for Colorectal Cancer.”
  • I am a direct descendent of one of Julias Ceaser’s illegitimate children, and totally disagree with the article, “Lizzie Borden’s Parents Had It Coming.”
  • Gerhard Flixter’s flawless coverage of high school marching bands brought back visceral memories of tuba jam sessions during my 90s youth in Knockemstiff, Ohio.
  • Kelefa Sanneh’s insightful deep dive into the world of septic tank construction and maintenance omitted mention of my great great grandfather, Leon Flushman, the inventor of the outlet pipe.
  • I was delighted to read Nora Plotsky’s brilliant piece on 1940s film stars who could not roll their Rs. As the speech coach who taught Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to sing without a lisp, I only wish I could have been there to help Lauren Bacall master “Ay, caramba!”
  • Being custodian of the letters from the Ty-D-Bol Man, I take issue with the recent piece, “A Custodian of Letters is Nothing More Than an Exalted Janitor.”
  • Loraine Kimblebee’s thoughtful meditation on underwater karaoke clubs reminded me of the time oceanographer Jacques Cousteau bet me I couldn’t gargle a mouthful of goldfish.
  • When I began a long-term relationship with journalist Leon Paxton, I didn’t realize I would become the subject of his three-part series, “A Ravishing Chatbot Named Zelda Destroyed My Marriage.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Searching for an Easier Path to Greatness? Perhaps You’re Already There.

Published on by benalp20131 Comment

I was a horrible student. At what grade level? All of them.

In high school I was voted “most likely to do better if he applied himself.” Why? I’m not sure, but I’d probably know if I had applied myself.

I never thought I lacked intelligence; I was just nervous and always felt out of place. Where was the right place?  Perhaps in a state of bliss, although if that were the case, I’m certain my parents would have received a note from the head of bliss, complaining, “He’d be more blissful if he worked harder.”

I am certainly not alone in this regard. History is littered with famous folks who, absent from honor rolls and even pretty darn good rolls, managed to do alright for themselves – Thomas Edison, Richard Branson and Steve Jobs to name a few. Maybe if I stared out the window and daydreamed a little longer, I could have invented a cure for cancer.

On the other hand – the hand with more realistic expectations – I could be selling myself short. Just a few of my life’s achievements clearly show sleeping through sophomore French class was not for naught.

  • I can perfectly load a dishwasher.
  • I always sense when I’m getting on someone’s nerves.
  • I never fail to utter the perfect insult under my breath when someone standing in front of me can’t decide whether to order a Whopper or a Whopper with Cheese.
  • I always know I’m going to be rejected at mid-sentence when asking a blind date, “Would you like to go to a Renaissance Faire?”
  • I have never started a conversation with a stranger in an elevator – even one who says, “I think we’re stuck between floors.”
  • I know when milk is going bad without smelling or tasting it.
  • And I never expect to be hired after realizing my fly was unzipped during a job interview.

The lesson here is simple (I don’t think I have the concentration to grasp a complex one): If Walt Disney could barely make it through school, then go on to build an animated empire, I too can skip work, hang out with my friends and then, who knows, find a one-hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Great Gatsby vs. Average Gatsby

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

Given the choice, I think I’d rather be an Average Gatsby rather than a Great Gatsby. As much as I’m fascinated with mysterious and wealthy people, I’m guessing an Average Gatsby would feel less stressed wearing pants with a day-old ketchup stain.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”