Tag: elections

Politicians are always retracting and apologizing for things they’ve said and done before entering office – or even while serving.

In the event I find myself serving my town, state or country, I’d like to acknowledge and ask for your forgiveness for the following.

• I accept full responsibility for running an unlicensed daycare center that was actually a sweat shop producing computer chips for Hewlett Packard.
• I regretfully acknowledge I have three wives, although in my defense, I only married two of them for backup purposes.
• I did not, in fact, have irrefutable evidence my opponent for Secretary of State was an undocumented space alien illegally collecting food stamps.
• From 2005 to 2017 I lined my bird cage with classified documents.
• Contrary to what I stated on “Meet the Press,” I don’t floss every day.
• When voting in the last three elections, I went into the polling booth and flipped a coin.
• I did not check the validity of the photo I posted of my opponent shaking hands with Joseph Stalin.
• I have used the name “Lance Forcefeld” when checking into hotels with my intern, but only for security purposes.
• My responses during the last debate were fed to me through a wireless earphone by an eight-year-old unpaid political strategist.
• The only reason I refused to endorse Zohran Mamdani for mayor of New York City was because I couldn’t pronounce his name.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”