Real quick thoughts
- Being able to hold in gas during your wedding vows should be considered a super power.
- If one person is talking on the phone while having sex, is it considered a threesome?
- Being on the second-string team is still better than being on the dental floss squad.
Amazon delivery people are mostly former Jehovah’s Witnesses who want to be more productive with their time.
Has this ever happened to you?
I told a man at the gym who was wiping down a machine that his heart didn’t really seem in it. He responded, “I’d tell you to go f*ck yourself if your criticism wasn’t so pathetic.” I shot back, “How dare you accuse me of being a pitifully insignificant soul! Can I have a hug?”
Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”