At some point, most of us look back and ask: “Is this the life I should have lived?” To find out, I sat down and talked with the person I might have been.
Me: Thank you for taking the time to speak with me.
Man I might have been: Glad to be here.
Me: You look fabulous.
Man I might have been: I’ve always taken good care of myself. I’ve never been even one ounce overweight.
Me: Very impressive. I still promise myself to lay off the sweets and join a gym.
The question I’ve always asked myself is: Would I have been able to live the life I only dreamed about?
Man I might have been: I can only speak for me: I have, and it’s been wonderful.
Me: Good point. I’m jealous. I’ve tried to be like you, but it hasn’t been easy.
Man I might have been: No pain, no gain, my friend.
Me: I imagined being an astrophysicist married to a humanitarian-of-the-year physician with a perfect ten body. How did you do it?
Man I might have been: Very simple. Dreamers dream. Dreams just do it. I wouldn’t have won the Nobel Peace Prize for solving that mess in the Middle East if I sat around fantasizing about it. I took your dream and ran with it.
Me: A dream, I might add, you didn’t give me credit for when you accepted the award.
Man I might have been: I’m sorry, but if I’m not mistaken, you’ve also dreamed about being a selfish bastard. I won’t lie. I’ve loved being the figment of your imagination. Without you, I wouldn’t have been an astronaut and flown to Mars.
Me: I thought about that shortly after I dropped out of community college. Was there ever a time when living my dreams was a disappointment?
Man I might have been: Once. When you imagined you were a brilliant heart surgeon, then suddenly switched gears and envisioned playing fullback for the New York Giants.
Me: That’s because I suddenly remembered the sight of blood nauseates me.
Man I might have been: Let me ask you a question. Are there moments when you’re perfectly content with your actual life?
Me: Usually on Saturday mornings when I’m eating a lightly toasted bagel.
Man I might have been: Any other times?
Me: One evening in 2003 I looked in a mirror and burst into song, “You do something to me, something that simply mystifies me.”
Man I might have been: I’d kill for that moment.
Me: That’s the nicest thing I’ve ever fantasized you’d say.
Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”
Living Inside My Head 