Quick Thoughts – 2

  • I don’t think my parents disliked me. They simply forgot to tell me where they lived.
  • There are so many sexual preferences nowadays. I’ve finally decided I’m a man trapped inside an ambivalent body.
  • Never mistake a knowing glance for an overconfident stare.

I believe

You should never buy a plunging stock that’s screaming “Geronimo!”

Has this ever happened to you?

Have you ever dined with people who stage managed the event?

“Janice, you sit across from Ronald.”

“Nicole, sit next to Denise.”

Lorn, sit perpendicular to Bonnie.”

Barry, rest you head in Grandma’s lap.”

Terry, sit facing Roman, but don’t look at Debbie.

That’s why I often prefer dinner for one. The bread sticks never tell me where to sit.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Quick Thoughts

Real quick thoughts

  • I always thought it was important to be a results-oriented person until I impulsively screamed during sex: “I finished first!”
  • I’ve always wanted to argue a case before the Supreme Court, but I have a fear of being asked, “Do you even know what amicus curiae means?”
  • If you want to witness some nice brawling, accept any invitation to a Political Affiliation Reveal party.

Was I dreaming?

I have this vivid image of calling 911 and the operator only wanted to talk about her problems. After twenty minutes, I realized my burning home was less important than her disagreements with her roommate.

I believe

Every relationship begins with trust. Just provide me with blood and hair samples, and then let the magic begin.

Has this ever happened to you?

Last week, I was trying to think of something interesting to write about, but was distracted by a space alien captor probing my body orifices. Then a few days later, I headed into the woods for a little solitude, and wouldn’t you know it, Big Foot kidnapped me and insisted on showing me his new breakfast nook he carved out in his cave. These distractions are killing me. I think I’m just going to write about shopping for socks.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”