Dr. Menachem Fakakta

Are you an introvert? Do you eat food containing gluten? Bingo! There’s your problem.

I’ve been treating people with Celiac disease (a condition in which the small intestine cannot digest gluten) for years. Extensive anecdotal evidence indicates a gluten-free diet can cure introversion and many other conditions including:

• Homophobia
• Pyromania
• Beatlemania
• Introspection
• Contemplation
• Heebie-jeebies
• Stockholm Syndrome
• Cablevision
• Ethnocentrism
• Plagiarism

An introvert who changes to a gluten-free diet will notice immediate changes:

• Small talk becomes easier. You’ll have no problem babbling endlessly about how you’d kill for a doughnut.
• The fear of large groups of people will be replaced by fear that you’ll never eat another delicious bowl of pasta.
• At meetings, you’ll stop sitting in the back of the room and start sitting near the pastry tray.
• You’ll have fewer running inner monologues and more outer running monologues: “I remember pizza and Doritos and cake and…”
• You’ll come out of your shell, asking anyone if they know of a cannoli shell that doesn’t taste like cardboard.

Warning: Changing to a gluten-free diet can cause side effects such as loss of joie de vivre, compulsive gambling, and temporary or permanent loss of life.

Dr. Menachem Fakakta is licensed to practice medicine in 7 Third World countries. He is the author of the humorous surgical textbook, “I know I Left that Scalpel Somewhere.”