Debutante Ball Presents Introverted Women to Extroverted Society

Daughters of the world’s crème de la reticent presented themselves reluctantly to high society at a glittering Debutante Ball in New York City. The college-aged women from some of America’s most prestigious alternative colleges spent the evening avoiding the well-heeled scions of the country’s elite families.

Here is a partial list of this year’s introvert debutante coterie.

 debutante_01 Felicity Searing Saltonstall is entering her 12th year and 32nd major at Hampshire College where she is currently studying the label on a maple syrup bottle. She is active in Habitat for Hummus and is vice president and sole member of her book discussion group.

She is the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Dwight Pepper Saltonstall. Pending final hormone treatments, her mother is the former Frank Peabody.

 debutante_03 Doris Drysdale Flotsam has been homeschooled by four step mothers. She is currently working on her doctoral thesis, “The Effects of Watching Soap Operas Non Stop While Being Home Schooled.” She plans to study abroad next year in her neighbor’s attic.

She is the daughter of Mr. Fenwick Dillinger Flotsam and either Mrs. Judith Epstein Bordon or a hitchhiker who claimed to be Patty Hearst’s sister.

 debutante_05 Blanche DuNot Disturb is sophomore at Antioch College where she studies ornithology and majors in Mynah birds. Her hobbies include speaking French to herself and shopping online. She also volunteers as a Big Sister to a young teenager whom Blanche emails regularly.

She is the daughter of Mr. Lance Darryl Disturb, her mother the former Linda Truluck Pettibone.

 7578163004_dd03ce18f2_o Missy Elizabeth Monigue is a senior at Goddard College where she majors in interplanetary relations. She has made dean’s list four consecutive years without leaving her dorm room. In her spare time she likes to sing three-part harmony with the voices in her head.

She is the daughter of the late Mr. and Mrs. Holcomb Bedford Monigue, her mother the former Grizabella de Sade.

 debutante_04 Nora Rayford Doodlehauf is a junior at Bennington College where she majors in journaling and minors in alienation. She spent last summer teaching an isolated Amazon tribe how to be even more isolated.

Nora enjoys writing 1000-word Post-it notes reminding people to be more considerate and waiting until her roommate leaves for the weekend so she can breathe.

She is the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Sheldon Hatfield Doodlehauf III, her mother the former Margo Zinnia Rampick.

 Young-depressed-woman-on--008 Evelyn Dodge Bullet is a senior at Bryn Mawr College where she expects to eventually choose a major.

Evelyn enjoys the outdoors and has avoided eye contact with over 300 species of birds.

She has worked as a proof reader, a telesales clerk, and a Mossad agent.

She is the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Alden Magner Bullet, her mother the former Tallulah Bank Job.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s