These should have you covered for any situation.

• You need to get into counseling.
• Maintaining a long-distance relationship requires extra effort. If you can’t afford airline tickets, consider flying as freight.
• It may never be easy for her to accept you dressing as a woman. Try meeting her half way; go with a more butch look.
• To calm your husband down, rub his belly.
• To calm your dog down, rub his belly
• Sending a wedding gift is not necessary if the bride’s family is responsible for you being deported back to Guatemala.
• You really need to get into counseling
• It’s unreasonable to ask your wife to remove tattoos of her old boyfriends’ names – especially if she took the time to list them in alphabetical order.
• You’ll never have peace in your house as long as your mother-in-law is living with you. Have you considered moving her into a tastefully redecorated tool shed?
• Being a bad cook is no excuse for ending a relationship. Insisting you buy your own stomach pump is.
• You are not responsible for other people’s life decisions, even if you were driving the getaway car.
• If your 88-year-old husband won’t stop chasing women, put a Denver boot on his wheel chair.
• It’s never too late to find love and companionship. In fact, many people have found rich and rewarding lives with inflatable soulmates.
• Unfortunately, in this superficial day and age, there are people who can’t get past a sudden 600-pound weight gain.
• There’s no reason the voices in your head can’t get along. But if they don’t, all four of you most definitely need to get into counseling.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”