Month: December 2024

Peddle Faster

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He finished each workout at Planet Fitness—great name for a gym; most people would have gone with Planet Fatness—with his usual twenty minutes on the elliptical machine.

Each time, he stepped off the machine at precisely 20:01.

Each time, he walked back to wipe down the machine.

Each time, as he approached the machine, he noticed a digital message urging him to “Peddle Faster.”

And each time, he thought, “It’s never enough for you.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Do Opposites Attack?

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

How bad is my dating life? According to the book “Dating for Dummies,” I should quit and read “Living Alone in a Cave for Dummies.”

Rather than throw in the towel, however, I decided to give dating one last try. But this time, I went in the opposite direction.

I created a new online dating profile that, among other things, stated I loved short walks on the beach and flashlight-lit dinners, I was a closed book, and family wasn’t important to me. Also, I was adamant about good personal hygiene being overrated.

How did it go?

Eight women, all named Karen, answered my ad. After meeting all of them, seven contacted the dating service and demanded to speak to the manager.

On the plus side, one of the Karens didn’t ask to speak to the manager until our third date after accusing me of flirting with a cute panhandler.

All in all, this was the most positive dating experience I’ve had so far. In fact, I’m now thinking about adding “my parole officer will vouch for me” to my profile.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”