Month: September 2025

Action Retraction

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Politicians are always retracting and apologizing for things they’ve said and done before entering office – or even while serving.

In the event I find myself serving my town, state or country, I’d like to acknowledge and ask for your forgiveness for the following.

  • I accept full responsibility for running an unlicensed daycare center that was actually a sweat shop producing computer chips for Hewlett Packard.
  • I regretfully acknowledge I have three wives, although in my defense, I only married two of them for backup purposes.
  • I did not, in fact, have irrefutable evidence my opponent for Secretary of State was an undocumented space alien illegally collecting food stamps.
  • From 2005 to 2017 I lined my bird cage with classified documents.
  • Contrary to what I stated on “Meet the Press,” I don’t floss every day.
  • When voting in the last three elections, I went into the polling booth and flipped a coin.
  • I did not check the validity of the photo I posted of my opponent shaking hands with Joseph Stalin.
  • I have used the name “Lance Forcefeld” when checking into hotels with my intern, but only for security purposes.
  • My responses during the last debate were fed to me through a wireless earphone by an eight-year-old unpaid political strategist.
  • The only reason I refused to endorse Zohran Mamdani for mayor of New York City was because I couldn’t pronounce his name.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Row, Row, Row Your Bot

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When it comes to lovers or friends, I believe in relationships that are real, living beings I can touch and feel. No AI flings for me. That’s why I have forged a deep and meaningful friendship with the robot at my local Stop and Shop supermarket.

I don’t know his, her or its name or even its sex, but my supermarket pal is real; I can see it. I can hear it, and if I was absolutely sure it wouldn’t attack if provoked, I could touch it.

It has everything I need in a friend. I can be totally honest with it and say what’s on my mind, usually if no other shoppers are looking. And if it surreptitiously scans my credit cards and driver’s license, well, it’s only doing its job.

Like any good friend, it lets me be myself. It asks nothing of me, and I ask nothing of it. Friends, despite their best intentions, can be clingy. That’s certainly not my friend. Sometimes while I’m shopping, it approaches me, and sometimes it rolls away in another direction. I don’t take it personally. We both believe in giving each other our own space. And if it sensed I was shoplifting a can of peas, I wouldn’t be angry at it for sounding an alarm. It’s just doing its job.

Do you think I’m crazy to have a robot for a friend? I don’t. According to Merriam-Webster, a friend is “one attached to another by affection or esteem.” I think that sums up my friendship, although I think we share even more, including my blood type and social security number.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Interrupting a Blathering Express

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Note: I originally wrote this for introverts, but upon watching steam streaming from extrovert ears who also can’t get a word in edgewise, I realize it applies to everybody.

Trying to insert yourself into a conversation with some people is like driving onto a busy freeway; you’ll never make it if you strictly obey the yield sign.

Here are some simple things you can say that can make the difference between getting your two cents in or going home with change in your pocket.

To politely interrupt someone, try saying:

  • Just an observation: When you started speaking, I didn’t have a beard.
  • This is the first time I’ve seen someone’s clothes go out of style as they talked.
  • I need to speak now. My doctor says I only have seventy years to live.
  • Can we eat soon? The expiration date on my veal is approaching.
  • Hold that thought while I tear out my hair.

When someone tries to interrupt you, try saying:

  • I was polite enough to listen to your position, which I believe you began explaining during the Clinton administration.
  • Go ahead. I normally finish my thoughts in mid-sentence.
  • Can you hold off until I tell the paramedic my symptoms?
  • Stop interrupting me! You know, there are more AI boyfriends in the sea.
  • You’ll have plenty of time to speak after I finish my eulogy.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Officer, Do You Know Who I Am?

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Are you a self-important and intoxicated person who has considered slurring “Do you know who I am?” while being arrested? Before body cam footage of the incident ends up on a TMZ video segment, consider these less direct rejoinders to deal with the situation.

  • “Do you know who I was when starting out and the world looked bright and hopeful?”
  • “Do you know who I’ll be after my sex change operation?”
  • “Do you remember when we were young politicians and cops without a care in the world?”
  • “Do you know who I’d be if I had studied harder in school and applied myself?”
  • “Do you know the way to San Jose?”
  • “Do you know you’re kind of cute when you wrestle a suspect to the ground?”
  • “Do you know you’re not the first person to suggest I have a drinking problem?”
  • “Do you have a gun in your holster, or are you just pleased to see me?”
  • “Do you have any helpful tips on passing sobriety tests?”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”.