Month: November 2025

Thanksgiving Planning

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Dear Family,

Gerry and I are so looking forward to seeing you on Thanksgiving. Here’s what people are bringing so far:

Aunt Diane: “I’m bringing chestnut stuffing.”

Cousin Lois: “We’re bringing cranberry sauce and wine.”

Grandpa Leon: “After going through a painful divorce this year, I’m bringing my emotional baggage.”

Cousin Steve’s partner, Fred: “Steve and I are making a pumpkin pie.”

Aunt Sally: “I’m bringing a list of pointed questions for our MAGA relatives”

Uncle Ray’s new wife, Nicole: “I’m bringing a green bean casserole.”

Cousin Eddy: “I will be arriving with my usual uncontrollable urge to drink, even though I shouldn’t – and my apologies in advance for drinking too much.”

Phil: “(Please note I no longer go by my old name Phyllis) “Brussels sprouts.”

Second cousin Andrea: “Pepto-Bismol to be taken immediately after eating Phil’s Brussels sprouts.”

Grandma Fran: “My usual frustration at not being able to get a word in edgewise.”

Uncle Ken: “A box to hold everyone’s grudges.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

The Three Phases of Online Dating

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Dante divided hell into 10 levels. Fortunately for Online dating, there are only three phases to traverse (four if you count making bail).

Phase 1. Writing or responding to a personal ad

If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, the duck may still describe herself as a Margot Robbie look-alike.

He (Erskine Tribble) describes himself as: “Handsome captain of industry with six-pack abs and a winning smile (I have the trophies to prove it) seeking beautiful woman to share quiet times in my fully-staffed quarter-mile long yacht.”

She (Zelda Hadley) describes herself as: “Former super model, current super-duper model seeking sensitive, caring, hunky billionaire willing to open his heart and bank account.”

Phase 2. Corresponding online

The dance of the veiled texts and e-mails can be a treacherous tango – particularly when a personal ad photo was taken from a satellite.

He says: “Dear Zelda, I look forward to the day when we will finally meet in person. Business is going well here in London. However, I should warn you: Due to security reasons, when we finally meet, I will appear shorter, fatter, and have less hair than previously described. By the way, have you finished your Sports Illustrated Swimsuit photo shoot? – Faithfully yours, Erskine.”

She says: “Dearest Erskine, Even though we’ve never actually met in person, I count the minutes we’re apart. I look forward to the day when we’ll cruise the globe in your quarter-mile long yacht. (Have the authorities tracked down the pirates who stole it?) The photo shoot went well, though the location was switched to Canton, Ohio. I should also warn you that I had to put on 75 pounds to audition for the starring role in “The Shelly Winters Story,” but I joined a gym and will be down to my normal 95 pounds in no time. — Miss you, Zelda.”

Phase 3. Googling a background check

You desperately want to believe you’ve discovered a diamond in the rough, but a tiny voice in the back of your head keeps saying you must check for roughage.

He Googled: Zelda Hadley

PMS Quarterly – …most severe case was recorded in 2022 when a team of 10 doctors and nurses were needed to restrain Zelda Hadley for three consecutive days…

Woman Arrested for Violating Restraining Order – …Zelda Hadley, an ex-girlfriend of Hawkins, denied slashing his tires and throwing a brick through his living room window. Hadley was taken into custody and later released on bail…

UFO Abductions of 2024 – …final speaker of the evening was Zelda Hadley who talked about her three alien abductions in 1993, 2006, and 2021…

Man Accuses Date of Stealing Wallet – …the accused, Zelda Hadley, claimed the entire incident was a misunderstanding. The couple met on perfectmates.com, an online dating service. Medvig has refused to drop the charges. “There is still $100 missing”…

Official Stephen Miller Fan Club Web Site – …was enthusiastically attended by eight members. President Zelda Hadley called the meeting to order…

She Googled: Erskine Tribble

Norfolk D.A. Lists Top Deadbeat Dads – …Phillip Scrimshaw, Neil Most, Fred Robinson, Erskine Tribble, Floyd Remley…

Firemen Remove Wall to Evacuate 900lb Man – …Tribble hadn’t left his bedroom in two years. Domino’s Pizza deliveryman Salvatore Martinez was visibly distraught. “Erskine was my best customer. How am I going to pay for my kid’s college tuition?”…

Last remaining Blockbuster video store sues final 2 customers for overdue video rentals – …Mary Cunningham – Police Academy III, Ghostbusters | Erskine Tribble – Star Whores, Finding Nympho, Spank Her Doodle Dandy…

Beware of Investment Scams – … “I gave all of my life savings to Mr. Tribble, and now it’s gone. I’m 75-years old and penniless.” The SEC has launched an investigation of Erskine Tribble Partners as well as the Erskine Tribble Hair Growth Center….

Eva Marie Saint Stalker Convicted – …”He made my life a living nightmare and all he gets is probation? Erskine Tribble should be forced to live through the hell he put me through.” cried the tearful 101-year-old film legend. Tribble’s lawyer, Wilbur Wainwright, maintained his client’s innocence and vowed to appeal the…

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

I Have A Few Revelations

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Before Maine oyster farmer/Senate candidate Graham Platner had time to inflate his “Platner 2026” balloons, he was forced to explain and apologize for numerous incendiary statements he made on social media way back in, well, way back just a couple of years ago. It’s hard to believe his positions and opinions could have been that different from what they are today. But like his Nazi tattoo, some things have just stuck with him.

Maybe it’s just part of being a candidate in this day and age. You must choose your words very carefully when even placing an online order for a jalapeno burger.

If I were running for office, would I too be forced to acknowledge any past indiscretions when I was younger and dumber? I’ll let you be the judge.

  • I was just a fool kid when I posted 53 white nationalist tirades an hour and a half ago.
  • When asked in a job interview “Can you tell us a little about yourself,” I failed to mention my year as a college intern for Reverent Jim Jones.
  • That kind of crude humor was how we all talked in the monastery.
  • When I said I was a communist, socialist and anarchist, I was in a different place. I believe it was my guest bedroom.
  • If I could go back in time and change things, I wouldn’t have parked in a handicap spot tonight.
  • I did at one time have four wives in three states. I plead guilty on that one. I’ve never been good at math.
  • My online dating profile may not have been totally truthful when I described myself as George Clooney.
  • In my defense, no one told me I couldn’t give my “60 Minutes” interviewer the middle finger.
  • It’s not that I’m looking for an easy race to win; I’ve just always wanted to run against an opponent who is awaiting sentencing for a felony conviction.
  • Until the police showed up at my house with a warrant. I had no idea an EZ Pass transponder didn’t automatically pay for a car wash.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”