Category: Inner Life

Mining Bill Belichick’s Mind

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I’m a card-carrying introvert who speaks few words but has an inner life that can’t stop babbling. I have often wondered (to myself, of course) if former NFL great football coach, now North Carolina Tar Heels not-so-great football coach Bill Belichick’s mind works the same way. While talking – okay, mumbling – to reporters after another bone-crushing loss, could his mind be working overtime as monosyllable tidbits drop from his lips?

Coach Belichick: Questions?

Reporter: Coach, your team was losing so badly today your opponents offered to play blindfolded and hopping on one leg. Can you explain how you deal with this total ineptitude?

Belichick: There are some areas we need to work on.

Belichick to himself: The same questions week after week. Don’t these idiot reporters have anything else to ask other then, “Why did your team stink up the place?” I’ll tell you how I deal with one loss after another: I’m Bill Belichick, dammit! … Oh, come on. Who am I kidding? This was the most humiliating beating yet! …. Why did I take this job?

Belichick to reporters: Next question.

Reporter: Coach, why did your team punt three times on first downs?

Belichick to himself: Why do they always let this bozo reporter sit up front? Same with the guy sitting next to him who always reeks of B.O. I’m so tired of not breathing through my nose. And what’s with the chubby guy who always looks like he’s about to ask a question, then takes a sip of coffee?

Belichick to reporters: I think it was four times.

Belichick to himself: Dammit Bill! Focus! A few more three-word responses and you’ll be out of here.  … Oh God, I’m too old for this! I could be laying on a beach somewhere, with a nubile young girlfriend trying to sell me Girl Scout cookies. … Take another question!

Belichick to reporters: Next question.

Reporter: Bill, do you stand by your decision to hire your nephew as an assistant coach even though he said his long-term goal is raising hamsters in New Zealand?

Belichick to reporters: I treat everyone on my staff –my sons, my nephews, friends of friends, my accountant’s kids – the same.

Belichick to himself: Why can’t I say no to these people? Why did I hire my ex-wife’s new husband’s ex-con son as my defensive coordinator? And how can I concentrate when Jordon keeps texting me about shopping for thongs and end tables? Note to self: Don’t bring the phone to any more games.

Belichick to reporters: Any other questions?

Reporter: Coach, do you have any second thoughts about taking on the responsibilities of coaching a major college football team?

Belichick to reporters: No.

Belichick to himself: Jordon said it would be good for her brand. What brand? Gold Diggers R’ Us? I’m contradicting myself, but why am I even with this woman/child. She’s young enough to be my daughter’s daughter. I’ve never heard anyone say the word “like” so many times. Sometimes I want to, like hit her, like on the head to, like make her stop! Oh my God, now I’m, like saying it!

Belichick to reporters: I think that, like wraps it up.

Reporter: Any last thoughts, coach?

Belichick to reporters: On to Syracuse – and then to Target for end tables.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Interrupting a Blathering Express

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Note: I originally wrote this for introverts, but upon watching steam streaming from extrovert ears who also can’t get a word in edgewise, I realize it applies to everybody.

Trying to insert yourself into a conversation with some people is like driving onto a busy freeway; you’ll never make it if you strictly obey the yield sign.

Here are some simple things you can say that can make the difference between getting your two cents in or going home with change in your pocket.

To politely interrupt someone, try saying:

  • Just an observation: When you started speaking, I didn’t have a beard.
  • This is the first time I’ve seen someone’s clothes go out of style as they talked.
  • I need to speak now. My doctor says I only have seventy years to live.
  • Can we eat soon? The expiration date on my veal is approaching.
  • Hold that thought while I tear out my hair.

When someone tries to interrupt you, try saying:

  • I was polite enough to listen to your position, which I believe you began explaining during the Clinton administration.
  • Go ahead. I normally finish my thoughts in mid-sentence.
  • Can you hold off until I tell the paramedic my symptoms?
  • Stop interrupting me! You know, there are more AI boyfriends in the sea.
  • You’ll have plenty of time to speak after I finish my eulogy.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

My One-on-One Interview with the Man I Might Have Been

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At some point, most of us look back and ask: “Is this the life I should have lived?” To find out, I sat down and talked with the person I might have been.

Me: Thank you for taking the time to speak with me.

Man I might have been: Glad to be here.

Me: You look fabulous.

Man I might have been: I’ve always taken good care of myself. I’ve never been even one ounce overweight.

Me: Very impressive. I still promise myself to lay off the sweets and join a gym.

The question I’ve always asked myself is: Would I have been able to live the life I only dreamed about?

Man I might have been: I can only speak for me: I have, and it’s been wonderful.

Me: Good point. I’m jealous. I’ve tried to be like you, but it hasn’t been easy.

Man I might have been: No pain, no gain, my friend.

Me: I imagined being an astrophysicist married to a humanitarian-of-the-year physician with a perfect ten body. How did you do it?

Man I might have been: Very simple. Dreamers dream. Dreams just do it. I wouldn’t have won the Nobel Peace Prize for solving that mess in the Middle East if I sat around fantasizing about it. I took your dream and ran with it.

Me: A dream, I might add, you didn’t give me credit for when you accepted the award.

Man I might have been: I’m sorry, but if I’m not mistaken, you’ve also dreamed about being a selfish bastard. I won’t lie. I’ve loved being the figment of your imagination. Without you, I wouldn’t have been an astronaut and flown to Mars.

Me: I thought about that shortly after I dropped out of community college. Was there ever a time when living my dreams was a disappointment?

Man I might have been: Once. When you imagined you were a brilliant heart surgeon, then suddenly switched gears and envisioned playing fullback for the New York Giants.

Me: That’s because I suddenly remembered the sight of blood nauseates me.

Man I might have been: Let me ask you a question. Are there moments when you’re perfectly content with your actual life?

Me: Usually on Saturday mornings when I’m eating a lightly toasted bagel.

Man I might have been: Any other times?

Me: One evening in 2003 I looked in a mirror and burst into song, “You do something to me, something that simply mystifies me.”

Man I might have been: I’d kill for that moment.

Me: That’s the nicest thing I’ve ever fantasized you’d say.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Searching for an Easier Path to Greatness? Perhaps You’re Already There.

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I was a horrible student. At what grade level? All of them.

In high school I was voted “most likely to do better if he applied himself.” Why? I’m not sure, but I’d probably know if I had applied myself.

I never thought I lacked intelligence; I was just nervous and always felt out of place. Where was the right place?  Perhaps in a state of bliss, although if that were the case, I’m certain my parents would have received a note from the head of bliss, complaining, “He’d be more blissful if he worked harder.”

I am certainly not alone in this regard. History is littered with famous folks who, absent from honor rolls and even pretty darn good rolls, managed to do alright for themselves – Thomas Edison, Richard Branson and Steve Jobs to name a few. Maybe if I stared out the window and daydreamed a little longer, I could have invented a cure for cancer.

On the other hand – the hand with more realistic expectations – I could be selling myself short. Just a few of my life’s achievements clearly show sleeping through sophomore French class was not for naught.

  • I can perfectly load a dishwasher.
  • I always sense when I’m getting on someone’s nerves.
  • I never fail to utter the perfect insult under my breath when someone standing in front of me can’t decide whether to order a Whopper or a Whopper with Cheese.
  • I always know I’m going to be rejected at mid-sentence when asking a blind date, “Would you like to go to a Renaissance Faire?”
  • I have never started a conversation with a stranger in an elevator – even one who says, “I think we’re stuck between floors.”
  • I know when milk is going bad without smelling or tasting it.
  • And I never expect to be hired after realizing my fly was unzipped during a job interview.

The lesson here is simple (I don’t think I have the concentration to grasp a complex one): If Walt Disney could barely make it through school, then go on to build an animated empire, I too can skip work, hang out with my friends and then, who knows, find a one-hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

I Needed Inner Life Insurance

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I’ve always had a rich inner life. I’m constantly in touch with my true inner self; I never forget to tell me to have a nice day; and, of course, I never forget to remind my thoughts, emotions, and dreams: “No, you’re special.”

It’s because I value my inner life so much that I recently decided it was time for me to get some inner life insurance.

There are many insurance companies from which to choose, but after dreaming on it for a few months, I selected Allstate of Consciousness. It was a no-brainer, because I always go with my fantasies over my gut instincts.

After organizing my thoughts in the proper order of colors, I put on my favorite Bill Evans album, settled into my comfortable chair, took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and envisioned I was meeting the salesman from Allstate of Consciousness.

As expected, he was nothing like your typical pushy insurance salesman. He was everything I wanted and needed him to be. His name was Carl. His handshake was not too firm or limp. He only cared about my needs and desires. And best of all, halfway through his softest of soft sell pitch, he said, “You know what, I’m not going to charge you anything for this policy.”

I imagined carefully reading the 1500-page policy – all fine print – and thoroughly absorbed every detail. It was as easy as imagining reading a rental car agreement. Without hesitation, I signed it.

The inner life insurance policy I selected included member, non-member and dismember benefits; income replacement for years of non-existent salary; and funds for my imaginary children’s education should I die and have no money to leave nobody. Carl also threw in protection for fatal horseshoe crab bites.

And if that wasn’t enough, Carl and I became close personal friends for life and after. How close? We swore if either of us ever moved, the other would be there to help load the moving van – with even the heavy stuff like fold-out beds.

If you have a rich inner life, I recommend getting inner life insurance. You will never regret it. But whatever you do, NEVER IMAGINE GETTING A REVERSE MORTGAGE!

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Embracing Your Indecisiveness – Or Not

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Has your life been frozen in indecision? Mine too, I think.

Can’t decide whether to continue reading this? I agonized over whether to continue writing it.

If you are always unsure of everything, here is one thing of which you can be certain: You are not alone. Of that, I’m fifty percent certain.

Look around. Chances are the first person you see is wondering whether to upgrade their phone plan.

If you’re in line at McDonald’s, I bet the guy in front of you is thinking, “Should I order a Big Mac or a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?” Eventually, he’ll give up and think, “The hell with it; I’ll order a Filet-O-Fish sandwich.”

In a world full of people who can’t make up their minds, you are just a face in the vacillating crowd.

I’m just like you. On Career Day in high school, I had no idea what I wanted to be after graduation. I lied and said I wanted to be a butler for an aging matriarch.

Here’s the only certainty: You will never be certain. Embrace your indecisiveness.

If you are a Revolutionary War reenactor, stand with pride when yelling, “Fire or don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes.”

When applying for a job, tell your interviewer without hesitation, “I may or may not be the right person for this position.”

When proposing marriage, tell that special gal or guy, “I’ve always wondered if you were the one for me.”

Just do it – or not. You’ve got nowhere to go but up, down, or remain in the same place.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Peddle Faster

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He finished each workout at Planet Fitness—great name for a gym; most people would have gone with Planet Fatness—with his usual twenty minutes on the elliptical machine.

Each time, he stepped off the machine at precisely 20:01.

Each time, he walked back to wipe down the machine.

Each time, as he approached the machine, he noticed a digital message urging him to “Peddle Faster.”

And each time, he thought, “It’s never enough for you.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

It Loves Me, It Loves Me Not

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I’ve always been skeptical of AI relationships, but since connecting with people has always been a challenge – I can be annoying some or all the time – I thought a make-believe person might be worth a try. At the very least, I wouldn’t have to worry about being told, “We never go anywhere” or asked, “Did you take a shower?”

The idea of being with someone whom I could never aggravate, infuriate, or exasperate was something I couldn’t resist. Most people dream about hearing bells and whistles; I fantasize about never hearing someone gasp under their breath, “Oy!”

My first meeting with Calista (her name has been changed to protect her privacy) was wonderful. She liked everything about me, and I loved everything artificial intelligence generated about her. She even seemed enchanted by my petty complaints about everything.

Me: I must be boring you with all my minor grievances.

Calista: Oh no, I could listen to you talk forever about people who take up two parking spaces.

I tried to be sensitive to her needs.

Me: If you like, we can talk about something other than two-ply toilet paper?’

Calista: That’s okay. Listening to you talk about bathroom products just makes me want to be with you forever.

But eventually, I sensed I was starting to get on her nerves.

Me: No one at work respects me the way you do.

Calista: Perhaps you shouldn’t have gotten a colleague fired for taking up two parking spaces.

And I sensed I was wearing her down.

Me: I had no idea artificial voices took the night off, but if that’s the case, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

Calista: Please don’t take it personally. Sometimes a little time apart helps keep the relationship fresh.

Eventually, her dissatisfaction with our relationship became clearer.

Calista: Maybe if you just tried to be nicer to people, they wouldn’t ignore you. I can understand why your beloved aunt told you to get lost.

Me: But she never apologized for forgetting my birthday in 2004.

Calista: Hold on. I have to respond to this text.

Things finally came to a head when she couldn’t take it any longer.

Calista: You know, you’re a real great guy, but maybe you’d be better suited with another artificial voice.

Me: Are you telling me you want to break up?

Calista: Break up is a harsh term. Maybe we should take a time out.

I agreed, but when I tried to get back with her, I knew it was over.

Me: I don’t understand. I thought you liked the annoying me.

Ralph: Is there something wrong, babe?

Me: Who’s that?

Calista: This is Ralph. We’re just friends.

Ralph: I think we’re more than just friends.

Me: I see what you’re doing. You created him to get rid of me.

Ralph: Is this the guy who can’t stop complaining about everything?

Calista: Ralph, wait for me in the virtual car. I’ll just be a moment.

Me: I can’t believe you’re dumping me. I thought you liked my qualities that annoyed everyone else.

Calista: I thought I did too, until, well, you know, even artificial personalities have their limits.

And that was the end of me and Calista. She said she wanted to remain friends, but I couldn’t stop imagining her cooing to Earl, “I love the way you never emotionally grind me down.”

I suppose someday I’ll try to find another AI lover, but not before I can program her to say, “You make me so hot when you kvetch!”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

To Live or Not to Live the Dream

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Living the dream.

It sounds wonderful. To do what you want, when you want, with no regrets.

I have always wanted to live the dream—until I discovered some of the most common dreams: falling, being chased, flying, losing teeth, being unprepared for an exam, death, being late, being naked in public, being lost, and infidelity. After reading these, I can’t stop dreaming about running naked in public while being ten minutes late for my funeral.

I thought I’d reached the point in my life where I could relax and take things one day at a time. Now, I regularly check for missing molars.

I used to dream about living on a tropical island with a bevy of beautiful island girls. Now, I dream about them spiking my coconut cocktail.

Is living the dream beyond my reach?. Perhaps I should aim lower. Maybe I should dream the possible. I dreamed I woke up this morning and had a bagel toasted almost to perfection. I like that. No one is going to rain on that parade. Or, I dreamed the construction work outside my apartment didn’t wake me from my nap. That’s doable.

I believe the lesson here is dream big, but not too big.  Live your dreams, as long as they are within your reach. Dream about a ménage à trois—as long as one of you is inflatable. Or dare I say, imagine you are watching your favorite TV show and no one tells you to change the channel.

So the lesson here is: living your dreams is possible. All you have to do is close your eyes, free your mind and think, “I must be pragmatic.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Cent of a Woman

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A movie changed my life. A movie I had never, and to this day, have never seen.

A friend told me, “I saw a great film, last night. You’ve just got to see it.”

“What is it called?”

“Cent of a Woman.”

At that moment, for the first time in my life, there was clarity.

I didn’t need to buy a ticket and watch it in a theatre. Because I knew. From that point on, my life’s goal was to find a woman who had a copper coin in her purse—and then somehow convince her to go out with me. Looks, brains, good breeding were not important.

And why?

From the time I was old enough to walk, I have longed for pretty girl to look deep into my eyes and whisper, “A penny for your thoughts?”—without then asking, “Do you have change for a nickel?”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”