Category: Introvert

It Loves Me, It Loves Me Not

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I’ve always been skeptical of AI relationships, but since connecting with people has always been a challenge – I can be annoying some or all the time – I thought a make-believe person might be worth a try. At the very least, I wouldn’t have to worry about being told, “We never go anywhere” or asked, “Did you take a shower?”

The idea of being with someone whom I could never aggravate, infuriate, or exasperate was something I couldn’t resist. Most people dream about hearing bells and whistles; I fantasize about never hearing someone gasp under their breath, “Oy!”

My first meeting with Calista (her name has been changed to protect her privacy) was wonderful. She liked everything about me, and I loved everything artificial intelligence generated about her. She even seemed enchanted by my petty complaints about everything.

Me: I must be boring you with all my minor grievances.

Calista: Oh no, I could listen to you talk forever about people who take up two parking spaces.

I tried to be sensitive to her needs.

Me: If you like, we can talk about something other than two-ply toilet paper?’

Calista: That’s okay. Listening to you talk about bathroom products just makes me want to be with you forever.

But eventually, I sensed I was starting to get on her nerves.

Me: No one at work respects me the way you do.

Calista: Perhaps you shouldn’t have gotten a colleague fired for taking up two parking spaces.

And I sensed I was wearing her down.

Me: I had no idea artificial voices took the night off, but if that’s the case, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

Calista: Please don’t take it personally. Sometimes a little time apart helps keep the relationship fresh.

Eventually, her dissatisfaction with our relationship became clearer.

Calista: Maybe if you just tried to be nicer to people, they wouldn’t ignore you. I can understand why your beloved aunt told you to get lost.

Me: But she never apologized for forgetting my birthday in 2004.

Calista: Hold on. I have to respond to this text.

Things finally came to a head when she couldn’t take it any longer.

Calista: You know, you’re a real great guy, but maybe you’d be better suited with another artificial voice.

Me: Are you telling me you want to break up?

Calista: Break up is a harsh term. Maybe we should take a time out.

I agreed, but when I tried to get back with her, I knew it was over.

Me: I don’t understand. I thought you liked the annoying me.

Ralph: Is there something wrong, babe?

Me: Who’s that?

Calista: This is Ralph. We’re just friends.

Ralph: I think we’re more than just friends.

Me: I see what you’re doing. You created him to get rid of me.

Ralph: Is this the guy who can’t stop complaining about everything?

Calista: Ralph, wait for me in the virtual car. I’ll just be a moment.

Me: I can’t believe you’re dumping me. I thought you liked my qualities that annoyed everyone else.

Calista: I thought I did too, until, well, you know, even artificial personalities have their limits.

And that was the end of me and Calista. She said she wanted to remain friends, but I couldn’t stop imagining her cooing to Earl, “I love the way you never emotionally grind me down.”

I suppose someday I’ll try to find another AI lover, but not before I can program her to say, “You make me so hot when you kvetch!”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

The Good, the Bad and the Friendly

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Ever heard this: “We used to be best friends. Now we’re enemies.”

How does that happen?

I’m sure no one ever said, “After my close personal friend Adolph Hitler wrote “Mein Kampf,” I told him, “That’s it, we’re not fishing chums any longer.”

It seems like half the litigants on TV court shows describe themselves as “former friends” –- former friends who now want to kick their new ex-bestie in the groin, accuse them of grand theft auto and block them on Facebook.

How do you get from “There’s nothing we wouldn’t do for each other” to “He slept with five of my girlfriends and sodomized my pet gerbil”? Why do some former friends have trouble picking up on subtle vibes?

I’d venture to say none of my friends would commit war crimes or hijack my Netflix account. How do I know? Well, it helps to be, at the very least, an average judge of character.

So why do friendships go from good to former? I don’t have an answer—at least an answer that doesn’t make me sound smug and self-righteous. I can only recommend that if, after an evening of heavy drinking, your good friend is still upset because you hit on his girlfriend, said sweet nothings into her nose ring, then stumbled to your car and keyed it from head to taillight, it might be time to graciously say, “I think it’s time we start seeing other friends.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Cent of a Woman

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A movie changed my life. A movie I had never, and to this day, have never seen.

A friend told me, “I saw a great film, last night. You’ve just got to see it.”

“What is it called?”

“Cent of a Woman.”

At that moment, for the first time in my life, there was clarity.

I didn’t need to buy a ticket and watch it in a theatre. Because I knew. From that point on, my life’s goal was to find a woman who had a copper coin in her purse—and then somehow convince her to go out with me. Looks, brains, good breeding were not important.

And why?

From the time I was old enough to walk, I have longed for pretty girl to look deep into my eyes and whisper, “A penny for your thoughts?”—without then asking, “Do you have change for a nickel?”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Imagine an Imaginary Friends Appreciation Day

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They’ve always been there for you. Isn’t it time you thanked them?

Admit it, you’re not the easiest person to be with. Have any of your imaginary friends ever complained? Told you to grow up? Abandoned you? Never.

Perhaps it’s time to show them your appreciation. You know they’d love to hear from you and would love to tell you how thoughtful you are.

Wouldn’t it be nice to have one day each year to acknowledge all the imaginary people who have played an important part of your life?

After all, your imaginary friend is:

  • The one who has always protected you from the boogeyman.
  • Your one true friend when everyone else ignored you simply because you were hiding in your closet.
  • The boy/girl/man/woman who would go on a date with you when you were afraid to ask a real person, or a real person was afraid to ask you.
  • The only person who would present you with an Olympic medal, Nobel award or Miss America crown.

So take a moment. Put on your sharpest suit or most beautiful gown. Or remove your clothes if you and your imaginary friend are nudists. Then imagine you’re sitting across from each other in an expensive restaurant. Look him, her, they, them, or it in the eye, and say: “Thank you for being in my life and for doing all I imagine you do.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

According to Experts

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I believe anything I read or hear that includes the words “experts say.”

I trust all experts, even ones wearing propeller beanies. Why? According to Randall Gasket, chairman of the Kalamazoo Community College Department of Hipster Studies, “What’s not to believe?”

When writers, authors and Tik Tok-ers quote experts, they are telling you: “If you don’t believe me, listen to this egg head.”

Would you believe information not backed up by quotes from experts? Not according to Felicity Punder of Punder Research and Polling: “Eighty-four percent of our respondents, ages zero to 307 believe anything they read that includes the phrase “Most Mensa members say.”

You should believe them, too, even if you’ve never heard of the expert or the college, company or coffee shop at which they reside; because it’s an indisputable fact, according to Professor Emeritus Franklin Cockburn, Ed.D., MSW, IOU at Boola Boola State College.

To be clear, the phrase, “experts say” should never be confused with the oft-repeated Trumpian expression “a lot of people tell me,” which invariably points to foolish falsehoods.

Are experts infallible? “Absolutely,” says author and recent parolee John Clintoff. “I especially trust the smart and insightful investors in my new cryptocurrency startup.”

Dr. Daniel Spivak, author of I Met 1000 Women on Tinder Claiming to be Beyonce puts it another way: “If I didn’t believe everything I read, I wouldn’t have met my current wife, Bella Hadid.”

Spivak, who is currently researching his next book, I Scream Footnotes During Sex, emphasizes the importance of professional opinions: “Any fool can say two and two equals four. It never hurts to have it confirmed by an obscure mathematician from a small, Welsh technical college.”

Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I still wonder if I over-rely on expert opinions. But according to my online therapist, an Instagram influencer with over fifty followers, I can never be too careful – except when waiting over an hour at a Yield sign.

On a more personal note, according to my wife I’m a gullible fool.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

The Perils of Online Dating: Part 12

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Has this ever happened to you? You meet someone online and seemingly hit it off, but after endless conversations you still know nothing about him – leaving you with a feeling of mystery and uneasiness.

Back and forth you go. Scraps of information are exchanged and revealed and yet, who is this guy? He still won’t come clean.

Finally, you explode: “Time’s up, fella. Who are you? What are you hiding? For once, just be honest with me. If you expect to take this relationship to the next level, you, once and for all, need to be honest with me!”

Long pause.

“My name is Donald J. Trump. I like candle-lit dinners and long walks on the beach.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

How To Make A New Friend Without Losing Most of Your Dignity

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Everyone needs a friend, or at least one person who will pick you up at the airport or pay a ransom to a Nigerian prince.

Making new friends is never easy. However, there are ways to make the process easier. Here are just a few that don’t require paying someone to say, “No, those jeans definitely don’t make your left buttock look big.

  • Take initiative – You’ll never know if that perfect stranger you spot on the subway could be your best buddy unless you step forward and invite him hiking on the Appalachian Trail for a week.
  • Smile – A beaming grin will make you appear approachable. And even if it doesn’t lead to a burgeoning friendship, it may at least get you a good reference for some excellent psychotherapy.
  • Be a good listener – People appreciate an empathetic ear – as well as a sympathetic nose and a compassionate eyebrow.
  • Join a new club or organization – Just because a group is being monitored by the FBI doesn’t mean you won’t meet a lifelong friend at its yearly Aryan Resistance Barbecue.
  • Be open about your flaws – Sooner or later, someone will appreciate the fact that you’re a middle-aged man still living with your parents.
  • Be curious – People love to be asked questions. For example: “I noticed your name tag reads ‘Big Penis Parksdale.’ Is your middle name ‘Penis’?”
  • Try a new activity – Some of the most interesting people you’ll ever meet belong to Greek Orthodox fire walking clubs.
  • Step outside your comfort zone – Delivering a TED talk about losing your virginity to a pretzel kingpin from Königreich Romkerhall may seem like too much sharing, but how else are you going to meet other people who lost their virginity to someone from Königreich Romkerhall?
  • Be enthusiastic – You can’t imagine how many people will want to know more about you by simply screaming at the top of your lungs, “OH GOD, YES, SUPERSIZE IT!
  • Be yourself – Unless, of course you can be a more interesting version of you.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Never Go To A Discount Therapist

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Real quick thoughts

  • If someone can read tea leaves or Tarot cards, should we assume they can also read a rental car agreement?
  • Never go to a discount therapist who shows you his perspiration stain and asks, “What’s the first thing that comes to your mind?”
  • Think twice about returning to a restaurant that charged you extra for the Heimlich maneuver.

I believe

The Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act (RICO) should never be used for parking violations, and certainly not for failing to pick up your small dog’s poop.

Has this ever happened to you?

Have you ever thought a stranger is talking to you, only to realize they’re actually talking on their phone? If you’re like most people, you immediately feel embarrassed. But look at it this way: In all probability, you are a more interesting conversationalist than the person on the other end of that call. In fact, had that person been calling you, you probably would have let it gone straight to voicemail. Because, if they’re not calling to talk about last night’s orgy and networking meetup, you can’t be bothered.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

For Me, All Bitch Faces Are Arresting

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How can you tell if someone’s natural facial expression is a queasy grimace, commonly known as resting bitch face (RBF), or they are simply downright ornery?

As someone who’s often accused of looking like Jack the Ripper on his worst day – even while happily folding my laundry, I know what it’s like to be constantly asked, “Are you okay? Is everything alright?”

It’s precisely because of my sometime – okay, all the time – less-than-sunny facial expression that I give every angry, moping, sullen, surly face I encounter a free pass. Cutting a few ill-tempered characters some slack is a small price to pay for showing a little empathy for every RBF I meet.

I’ll absorb an icy glance from any might-be psychopath on the off chance they are actually a wonderful person who was voted Most Unapproachable in high school.

As someone who is regularly misjudged as a threat to society or, at the very least, a threat to my book club, who am I to judge folks who don’t say “Hi” while attempting to break into my car?

So your constant look of oncoming nausea regularly causes family and friends to dial 911. Big deal. It still beats trying to force a smile whenever a sales clerk says “Have a nice day.” (Note: According to many studies, so I’ve heard, more crimes are committed by smiling sales clerks than scowling proof readers.)

Will the world ever be more accepting of sullen facial expressions? Probably not. But here’s one thing you can count on: If your angry puss ever encounters my resting bitch face, it will be met with an accepting and non-judgmental frown.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”