Category: Politics

I Have A Few Revelations

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Before Maine oyster farmer/Senate candidate Graham Platner had time to inflate his “Platner 2026” balloons, he was forced to explain and apologize for numerous incendiary statements he made on social media way back in, well, way back just a couple of years ago. It’s hard to believe his positions and opinions could have been that different from what they are today. But like his Nazi tattoo, some things have just stuck with him.

Maybe it’s just part of being a candidate in this day and age. You must choose your words very carefully when even placing an online order for a jalapeno burger.

If I were running for office, would I too be forced to acknowledge any past indiscretions when I was younger and dumber? I’ll let you be the judge.

  • I was just a fool kid when I posted 53 white nationalist tirades an hour and a half ago.
  • When asked in a job interview “Can you tell us a little about yourself,” I failed to mention my year as a college intern for Reverent Jim Jones.
  • That kind of crude humor was how we all talked in the monastery.
  • When I said I was a communist, socialist and anarchist, I was in a different place. I believe it was my guest bedroom.
  • If I could go back in time and change things, I wouldn’t have parked in a handicap spot tonight.
  • I did at one time have four wives in three states. I plead guilty on that one. I’ve never been good at math.
  • My online dating profile may not have been totally truthful when I described myself as George Clooney.
  • In my defense, no one told me I couldn’t give my “60 Minutes” interviewer the middle finger.
  • It’s not that I’m looking for an easy race to win; I’ve just always wanted to run against an opponent who is awaiting sentencing for a felony conviction.
  • Until the police showed up at my house with a warrant. I had no idea an EZ Pass transponder didn’t automatically pay for a car wash.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Hell of a Meeting

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Good evening and welcome to our Lake of Fire monthly meeting. For those of you who had a devil of a time getting here, you have nothing but our envy.

I will begin with some housekeeping items.

It’s been brought to our attention that someone has been tampering with the Inferno’s humidity control. I can’t emphasize this more strongly: the eternal burning flames of Hell are a dry heat. Let’s please keep it that way.

Also, even though torment and suffering are our brand, intermittent Wi-Fi reception is unacceptable. Rest assured, we’re working on this problem, but what can I say? Eternal damnation is a day in the park compared to dealing with Xfinity.

Now, a special announcement. We’ve been informed of a soon-to-be Hellion. This new addition to our community should be no surprise to any of you. His name is Donald J. Trump. Although we haven’t received a formal application, this was a no brainer, and we’ve already completed the application process. In fact, we’ve never received so many strong and even pleading recommendations.

I’ve never said this before, but I think Trump may be the first ever applicant over qualified – by a mile.

Let’s quickly review his record:

He’s been charged with 88 criminal offenses in four criminal cases.

He’s been convicted of 34 felonies.

Countless women have accused him of sexual assault.

He was found liable for sexually abusing E. Jean Carroll in the mid-1990s.

He’s been found guilty countless times of civil fraud.

I could go on and on, but the Repentant Sinners Anonymous group needs this room in a couple of hours, and I think you get the big picture: encouragement of political violence, ethical violations and conflicts of interest, falsification of business records, civil fraud conviction, classified documents investigation. He’s the whole enchilada.

We can’t say for sure when he’ll be arriving, but we’re predicting it will be shortly after he meets his maker when falling off a balcony while attempting to grope an AI version of Miss Pitch and Putt 1993.

When Donald Trump arrives, please make him feel at home and whatever you do, don’t enter into any business deals with him.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Action Retraction

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Politicians are always retracting and apologizing for things they’ve said and done before entering office – or even while serving.

In the event I find myself serving my town, state or country, I’d like to acknowledge and ask for your forgiveness for the following.

  • I accept full responsibility for running an unlicensed daycare center that was actually a sweat shop producing computer chips for Hewlett Packard.
  • I regretfully acknowledge I have three wives, although in my defense, I only married two of them for backup purposes.
  • I did not, in fact, have irrefutable evidence my opponent for Secretary of State was an undocumented space alien illegally collecting food stamps.
  • From 2005 to 2017 I lined my bird cage with classified documents.
  • Contrary to what I stated on “Meet the Press,” I don’t floss every day.
  • When voting in the last three elections, I went into the polling booth and flipped a coin.
  • I did not check the validity of the photo I posted of my opponent shaking hands with Joseph Stalin.
  • I have used the name “Lance Forcefeld” when checking into hotels with my intern, but only for security purposes.
  • My responses during the last debate were fed to me through a wireless earphone by an eight-year-old unpaid political strategist.
  • The only reason I refused to endorse Zohran Mamdani for mayor of New York City was because I couldn’t pronounce his name.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Bewitched, Bothered, and BTrumped

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Madison O’Rourke chairs the Spiritual Development department at the Learning Annex in Fort Worth, Texas. She is also host of the podcast, “Mexican Cuisine the O’Rourke Way.”

Dear Madison,

Help me, I’m in a horrifying relationship with a terrible man! A man I never wanted to know in the first place. Since he was elected president in 2016, I shudder just thinking about him. He won’t go away – and it keeps getting worse.

I’ve tried everything. I’ve signed petitions, marched in demonstrations, engaged in letter writing campaigns – but he’s still in my life. He makes me feel drained, belittled, and controlled by him – especially when I see billionaires, fat checks in hands, lined up to smooch his flabby bottom.

There seems to be no way to get rid of him – and I can’t stop thinking about him.

What can I do?

Insane in Indiana

Dear Insane,

Tell me about it. I totally sympathize with you. I am in a relationship with the same guy! I didn’t ask for it, either. I thought I was finally rid of him after his ninetieth indictment and fiftieth photo with Jeffrey Epstein, but he’s still in my head, no matter how many “Dear Deranged Dufus” letters I imagine writing.

Dating a bad boy is one thing, but courting a narcissistic, psychopathic, unhinged lunatic is a whole other can of worms.

I don’t know what to tell you but if you figure out how to rid yourself of this prime piece of pestilence, please let me know before I flee the country and start responding to the lovelorn from Latvia.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Degeneration of Generations

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According to an article in Your Tango, some Gen X bosses can be annoyed by their Gen Z workers, and wish they would stop saying things such as:

  • “I was only a few minutes late.”
  • “That’s not my problem.”
  • “Sorry, I’m just not a morning person.”
  • “I don’t do well under pressure.”
  • “I’ll finish this whenever I get to it.”
  • “I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. Can we take a pause?”

Annoying yes, but don’t assume this started with Gen Z. Here’s what aggravated Missionary Generation (born between 1883 and 1900) bosses thought about their Lost Generation (born between 1900 and 1927) workers:

  • “They won’t stop stewing in their disillusionment with pre-war values and societal norms, and just clean the damn bathrooms.”
  • “Every time I ask for a status report, I get a lecture on what Hemingway and F. Scott Fitzgerald told them about surrealism, and dadaism.”

Here’s what some Lost Generation bosses said about their Greatest Generation (born between 1901 and 1927) workers:

  • “Not exactly the greatest when it comes to showing up for work on time.”
  • “I’m not questioning his patriotism, but is it asking too much for him to correctly spell “patriotism?”

And here’s what some Greatest Generation bosses said about their Silent Generation (born between 1928 and 1945) workers:

  • I wish Mr. Silent Generation would quit yakking on the phone and silently focus on his job.
  • I never hear peep from them when I ask for volunteers.

In conclusion, don’t’ be so hard on Gen Z workers. It won’t be long before they’ll be complaining about their Gen Alpha (born between 2011 and 2024) workers.

  • “She’s on the phone with her AI boyfriend all day and tried to get him added to the company payroll.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

You Should be Fined, Oklahoma

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Oklahoma’s new public high school history curriculum requires students learn about baseless claims of voting irregularities in the 2020 election promoted by Donald Trump and his supporters. (Editor’s note: I am not making this up.)

Why stop there? Here are some more fantastical factoids that should be required learning.

  • 1776 – General George Washington crossed the Delaware River with his Continental Army after offloading all transsexual soldiers.
  • 1892 – Ellis Island in New York Harbor, originally a comfortable, well-kept Caucasian neighborhood, was overrun by immigrants who were allowed to quickly slip into the country.
  • 1915 – The British ocean liner, Lusitania was sunk by a German submarine while the ship’s crew was attending a mandatory diversity, equity and inclusion workshop.
  • 1927 – Charles Lindbergh made the first nonstop flight from New York to Paris, and then offered his plane, the Spirit of St. Louis, to Donald Trump’s grandfather as a gift.
  • 1929 – The Great Depression caused a severe global economic downturn when, overnight, able bodied men appeared in bread lines demanding free bread.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Give Us This Day Our Fries and Chicken Nuggets

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According to a Fox News poll, majorities of white evangelical Christians (56%), Republicans (60%), 2024 Trump supporters (62%), and MAGA supporters (70%) believe Trump was saved from assassination attempts because God wanted him to be president again.

I have always assumed God avoided politics and focused on parimutuel betting, but what do I know? He has never spoken to me through an ABC News/WaPo/Ipsos poll.

Dig a little deeper into polling, however, and you will find the Lord is telling MAGA minions even more.

  • According to a Giddyup poll, 50% believe God rehearsed saving Donald Trump from assassination by practicing with Abraham Lincoln, James A. Garfield and William McKinley.
  • A Whoopsos poll tells us that 73% know for a fact that the next Black president will only occur after the Lord chooses a qualified man named Black.
  • Rasmucas’ latest survey indicates that 48% believe Jared Fogle will be released from jail when God discovers Subway has been substituting baloney for Black Forest ham.
  • Harris Insights, Outsights & All-Around Analytics reveals that 83% of Trumpers believe God told President Trump to give Mel Gibson his guns back – but very carefully because of, well, Mel’s hair trigger temper.
  • According to a SurveyMonkeyHouse poll, 67% percent believe Trump and wife Melania sleep in separate bedrooms, because the Lord’s light shining down on Donald keeps her up at night.
  • And in a related Phew! Research Center poll, 0% of people who normally ask “What would Jesus do?” have never asked “Who would Trump do?”

Do these polling results convince me that God is Trump’s copilot or even fast-food friend? I find it hard to believe the Lord favors anyone – or could even figure out how to manipulate swing state voting.

Regardless, I think it would take a lot to change MAGA minds.

But…if the economy continues to tank and their savings swoon, it won’t surprise me if many of them wake one night soon claiming to have heard an all-knowing voice above bellow:

“I’m with Bernie.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

‘Oh Trumpzilla, We Can’t Quit You – Yet’

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Donald Trump, leader of the gang that couldn’t conjugate the verb to be straight, wants to withhold funds from Harvard, rescind the University’s tax-exempt status, and is threatening to ban the school’s foreign students. He added: “Harvard is a JOKE, teaches Hate and Stupidity.” It must be true because he spelled “joke” in all CAPS.

All this – and a whole lot more – makes me wonder: When will his MAGA base begin to question his judgment, mental stability, and choice of orange bronzer?

Will it be when Trump Nation’s rationalization for his decision to deport anybody who rolls their Rs transitions from “What about Obama, Hillary, and Biden?” to “What about Martin Van Buren, James Buchanan, and Grover Cleveland?”

Will it be when Trumpers attempt to calculate their income tax using a pencil and a bottle of A1 sauce?

Or will it be when HHS Secretary RFK Jr. announces he’s discovered a cure for the heebie-jeebies?

My guess is the first signs of doubt among the Marvelous Mango’s legion will occur when Social Security payments transition from U.S. currency to slightly-used Monopoly money.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Always Joe Biden’s Fault

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According to a New York Times article, “President Trump has mentioned President Biden 316 times in fifty days, mostly to blame him for things.”

A closer look, however, shows that Trump isn’t the first president to blame Joseph Biden for all of his mistakes.

  • George Washington – “I cannot tell a lie. It was Joe Biden who chopped down the cherry tree.”
  • William Henry Harrison – “But I contend that the strongest of all governments is that which is most free of Joe Biden.”
  • Zachary Taylor – “It would be judicious to act with magnanimity towards a prostrate foe – or a prostrate Joe.”
  • Abraham Lincoln – “You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time – except Joe Biden.”
  • Grover Cleveland – “Above all, tell the truth – and I’m talking to you, Joe Biden.”
  • Theodore Roosevelt – “Speak softly, but not as softly as Joe Biden.”
  • Calvin Coolidge – “The business of America is none of Joe Biden’s business.”
  • Franklin Delano Roosevelt – “The only thing we have to fear is Joe Biden himself.”
  • Richard Nixon – “I am not a crook. Joe Biden? I’m not so sure.”
  • William Jefferson Clinton – “I did not have sex with that Joe Biden”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Undecided About The Undecided

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People who are undecided about presidential and other major elections drive me crazy. The difference between Donald Trump and Kamala Harris/Joe Biden/Hillary Clinton? It’s so obvious. Why can’t they see that?

Can they not find one miniscule difference that would allow them to choose one candidate over the other? How difficult can that be?

It makes me want to explode. And then I think…about the many times in my life when I couldn’t make a decision about things that are plainly obvious to most people.

Things like what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

Should I make eye contact or bend down and pretend I’m tying my shoe?

Should I sing along with everybody even though I don’t like singing along with groups of people?

When I reach a fork in the road, should I flip a coin or say “eeny, meeny, miny, moe”?

Who am I to judge?

I’m sure many annoying folks ahead of me in fast food restaurants lines, who take forever deciding between a Whopper and a Whopper with cheese, know exactly whom they’ll be voting for in the next election.

So, should I empathize with voters who cannot decide whom to check off on their ballots?

Yikes! I can’t decide!

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”