Good evening and welcome to our Lake of Fire monthly meeting. For those of you who had a devil of a time getting here, you have nothing but our envy.
I will begin with some housekeeping items.
It’s been brought to our attention that someone has been tampering with the Inferno’s humidity control. I can’t emphasize this more strongly: the eternal burning flames of Hell are a dry heat. Let’s please keep it that way.
Also, even though torment and suffering are our brand, intermittent Wi-Fi reception is unacceptable. Rest assured, we’re working on this problem, but what can I say? Eternal damnation is a day in the park compared to dealing with Xfinity.
Now, a special announcement. We’ve been informed of a soon-to-be Hellion. This new addition to our community should be no surprise to any of you. His name is Donald J. Trump. Although we haven’t received a formal application, this was a no brainer, and we’ve already completed the application process. In fact, we’ve never received so many strong and even pleading recommendations.
I’ve never said this before, but I think Trump may be the first ever applicant over qualified – by a mile.
Let’s quickly review his record:
He’s been charged with 88 criminal offenses in four criminal cases.
He’s been convicted of 34 felonies.
Countless women have accused him of sexual assault.
He was found liable for sexually abusing E. Jean Carroll in the mid-1990s.
He’s been found guilty countless times of civil fraud.
I could go on and on, but the Repentant Sinners Anonymous group needs this room in a couple of hours, and I think you get the big picture: encouragement of political violence, ethical violations and conflicts of interest, falsification of business records, civil fraud conviction, classified documents investigation. He’s the whole enchilada.
We can’t say for sure when he’ll be arriving, but we’re predicting it will be shortly after he meets his maker when falling off a balcony while attempting to grope an AI version of Miss Pitch and Putt 1993.
When Donald Trump arrives, please make him feel at home and whatever you do, don’t enter into any business deals with him.
Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”
Living Inside My Head 