Living Inside My Head

An Indiana wife confronted her husband after discovering he was involved with someone else – himself.

“I have to accept some of the blame,” said Marcy Klein. “From the moment we met, I sensed he wanted to be alone but I ignored my instincts. I finally confronted him: ‘What do you have that I don’t?’ He’d said I was crazy, that I was the only one. The fact that he never remembers my name should’ve been a tip off.”

After enduring his aloofness and almost-total silence for three years, she was certain he was seeing another woman. Klein hired a private detective who tracked him to a nearby motel. Shortly thereafter, she confronted him with photos taken by the detective, pictures that clearly showed Harold in bed alone reading a book.

When faced with the irrefutable evidence, Mr. Klein quickly confessed. He admitted he was an extreme introvert who’d been carrying on a lifelong relationship with himself. “I’ve never been able to say no to me,” he sobbed.

Harold begged Marcy to give him another chance. He even gave her permission to cheat on him with herself to get back at him. She made reservations at a local bed and breakfast but couldn’t go through with it.

He then suggested they see a marriage therapist who recommended the Kleins go on a double date with their inner selves. “I haven’t been able to wrap my head around that concept,” said Marcy “but I’m willing to give it a try for the sake of our marriage.”

An Introvert-Extrovert Alliance (IEA) was formed at Barbra Streisand Vocational High School in Pacific Palisades. The Alliance is a student-run club that brings together introverts and extroverts to support each other and provide a safe place to socialize.

Gail, the only introvert member of the organization so far, said she appreciates her extroverted classmates’ concern. “I’d probably attend more meetings, or even one meeting, if it weren’t for the group hugs.”

Senior class president, Phil Tyler came up with the idea for the Introvert-Extrovert Alliance.” I always felt bad for the quiet students who never went to parties or hung out with everyone else – particularly the ones who didn’t seem like losers.”

So far, Alliance has attracted more extroverts than introverts. “For some reason, our weekly parties aren’t as popular with the introverts,” said Tyler. “I’m not giving up. It’s important we create a safe and supportive environment for every teenager who wants to be left alone.”

We’ve have all been there. Okay, this introvert has been there. You are asked at a job interview, “Do you enjoy working with a team?”

Inside your head, you’re screaming “Hell no!” Another voice surrenders, “I need to pay my rent.” So you gather your strength and say, “I love working on a team.”

It’s not a good position to be in, but wouldn’t it be great if you could at least answer that question honestly and still get the job? Here are some suggestions:

• What’s not to love about discussing cubicle etiquette during five-hour staff meetings?
• Does teeming with anger count?
• I believe in teams. In fact, a team of wild horses dragged me to his job interview.
• Do I enjoy working on a team? A team of what?
• If by being a team player you mean having to acknowledge you presence at least once a year, I’m your woman.
• I’m a team player, but I only high-five co-workers after they apply hand sanitizer.
• There’s not better team player than me – unless you count everyone else.

Good news for people who enjoy exploring the world beyond the hallway to their bathroom: Travel tours for introverts are currently the quiet rage.

Still, introvert travel packages can’t shield you totally from exposure to talkative, friendly Midwestern couples telling you where to find the cleanest restroom at the Coliseum.

Are you looking for the total introvert vacation experience? Consider Chernobyl Deserted Inn located off I-95 in Ukraine. Forbes Travel Guide rates it below the Fukushima Motel 6 but slightly above the New Jersey Turnpike Exit 5 rest stop men’s room.

Feel everyday worries disappear the second you enter the nuclear contamination zone. The first thing you’ll notice is total silence – and the two-headed elk. Don’t worry, even the half-men half elk won’t bother you with needless conversations or invite you to a party.

The Deserted Inn staff couldn’t be friendlier since there isn’t any. Choose one of 500 rooms. We recommend one that still has a door and a working lock to keep out the hungry bears – particularly the two-headed hungry bears.

There’s plenty to do and see in Chernobyl including the Plutonium, the Safe Energy of Today Exhibit (no waiting), Uncle Ivan’s Glowing Wax Museum (no waiting), and the birthplace of circus oddity, Sasha, the half introvert, half extrovert woman (no waiting).

Make reservations to see Chernobyl now. You only have 20,000 years until it’s inhabitable again for humans and extroverts.

Did you ever wonder what it would be like if everyone was an introvert?

• Everybody could feel alone together.
• No more small talk. Simple greetings would last for days.
• Nobody would go to parties where they didn’t know anybody, thus eliminating parties.
• Dance floors would be equipped with individual booths so no one is the center of attention.
• On the slim chance people came to a party and they didn’t know each other, it would be considered good manners to silently grab something to eat and leave.
• All classroom seats would be located at the back of the room where everyone could avoid being noticed.
• As a precaution, designated introverts would be assigned to call other introverts and say, “You haven’t left your apartment since 2009. Let’s go out and throw the Frisbee.”
• Meetings would end sooner since no one would talk just to hear the sound of their voice.
• A successful job interview would consist of being unapproachable and not making eye contact.
• The phrase “the more the merrier” would be outlawed.

Introverts need sacred places of solitude to ponder and decompress. Nowhere will you find a more peaceful environment for your contemplation-palooza than a desolate shopping mall.

Let your mind wander while strolling down long corridors past the remaining stores. Gaze at colorful “For Rent” signs and feel your blood pressure drop. Observe the remaining kiosk while avoiding eye contact with its intrepid owner.

Malls are today’s retail dinosaurs. Hordes of shoppers pushing shoulder-to-shoulder, fighting for the last Bed Bath & Beyond Beckett Duvet Cover have been replaced by an occasional security cop, armed with a lethal jackknife and a good book to read.

Today, Old Navy is manned by one guy who still can’t believe he has an MBA and is managing an Old Navy store. His hard luck is your opportunity. Finally, no chirpy sales clerk to ask, “Can I help you?” while you’re thinking about words that rhyme with “archaic.”

If you really need some serious alone time, head over to Sears. Asking for directions to the hardware department is an almost near-death experience.

For the more spiritually inclined, there’s no better place to meditate than at Cinnabon. Have the pick of every seat. No extra charge for the sugar rush.

Eventually, shopping malls will go the way of chatrooms and Leonard Cohen Fan Clubs. Introverts will move on to their next fortress of solitude. Until then, a fading Footlocker franchise beckons: “Come, sit, we’ll ignore you.”

It drives us crazy. We’re minding are own business in silence with a dreary expression on our face, as introverts sometimes do, and someone asks: “Are you Okay?”

Unfortunately, “yes” is never a good enough answer. Neither are the following:

• I’m fine. I’m just contemplating suicide.
• Okay? I haven’t felt this great since you asked me if I was okay two minutes ago.
• Thanks for your concern, but I’m just giving my facial muscles a rest.
• Could you repeat your question? I was talking to my therapist, Satan.
• I’m better than okay. I’m satisfactory.
• If by okay you mean oblivious to the monotony around me, I’m just peachy.
• I’m sorry. Were you talking to me or another voice in my head?

Chaos ensued at a local eatery after mild mannered Bruce Banner’s blind date continued to ask: “Why are you so quiet.” Banner finally could take it no longer and involuntarily transformed into the raging Incredible Hulk. The owner of Le Petit Horreur Café is still totaling the damages.

Sheryl Panzoni, who met Banner through the dating website MatingMadScientists dot Com, had no idea he had an alter ego. “He said he possessed super human strength but everybody embellishes their personal ads. Bruce had a cute smile so I agreed to meet him for dinner.”

She said her date with Banner began uneventfully. “He was very polite. We met at the restaurant. I told him about my family. He told me about his experimental gamma bomb accident. He seemed like a nice guy but barely spoke.”

“After a while I got tired of carrying the conversation. I asked if there was something wrong and he said no.” Panzoni continued questioning Banner about his quiet nature until she noticed a slight change in his demeanor. “His body started to grow, he turned green, and started to grunt. I thought, ‘Oops, I think I’ve pressed his button.’ At this point I knew he wasn’t going to drive me home.”

Within seconds, Bruce Banner turned into the Incredible Hulk and began destroying the eatery. As customers fled, Panzoni pleaded with Banner/Hulk, “You don’t have to talk. We can just sit and eat!” The Hulk ignored her and continued destroying the hostess station.

By the time he knocked over the dessert cart, Panzoni had realized Banner wasn’t exaggerating in his online profile about being an introvert.

Despite the evening ending with her date being dragged away by 20 National Guardsmen, Sheryl Panzoni has no regrets. “He sent me a lovely note apologizing for his behavior. I admit things didn’t go well, but I came to admire his quiet dignity – and he was still nicer than most guys I meet online.”