Couple Celebrates 50 Years of Barely Talking

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2_old_men_04bWhen John Fenamore and David Clamup sat next to each other at a home insecticide disposal lecture 50 years ago, they had no idea it was the beginning of a quiet relationship that would culminate in marriage 49 years later.

“I didn’t notice him at first,” said Fenamore, the retired CEO of Speedy Muffler. “Then Dave accidentally spilled a container of DDT on me. I said, ‘Hey’ and he said ‘Sorry’.”

Clamup, a semi-retired metal detector repair technician, remembers that moment as if it were yesterday. “That’s right. I said, “Sorry.”

The two quiet men immediately sensed a chemistry between them and started seeing each other on a regular basis. For the next three years their conversations consisted of “yup,” “nope,” “fine with me,” and “why not?”

The couple’s close and loving relationship is quickly apparent. They never look at each other and easily complete each other’s moments of silence. Asked if they could describe their husband’s eyes, both men said, “two.”

Fenamore and Clamup started living together in 1967. John remembers fondly, “Didn’t say a word to each other till 1973. Good times.”

The silent partners were finally able to marry in New York last year. Their wedding announcement read simply, “We said ‘I do.’ We’re done.”

Asked how two people can remain in a committed relationship for so long while hardly talking to each other, Clamup shrugged, “Don’t have much to say.”

An Introvert’s Letter to the Extroverted World

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globe_03Dear Extroverted World,

You may have noticed we haven’t been getting along lately. Okay, we’ve never gotten along.

It’s not that I haven’t tried. I appreciate that you introduced me to your 42 million “closest” friends. But I’ve come to realize I can only handle so many companions named Jennifer.

I’ve tried to reach out and connect with you. I came to your parties with the full intention of making eye contact and reacting enthusiastically to inconsequential small talk. But the second I walked through the door and heard the sounds of friendly social interaction, a message flashed in my brain saying “Ain’t gonna happen.”

For most of my life I thought being one of the gang would make me happy. The fact that I attended 38 consecutive kareoke nights with a group of acquaintances shows I made an effort. The breakthrough moment for me came on the night I sang “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” for the 38th consecutive time.

I realized then it was never meant to be. I would never take charge in meetings and ignore the people who may have something important to say. I would never get jazzed when I heard someone say they’re “pumped.” I would never ask my mailman about his trip to Disneyworld because I need to talk to somebody.

My beloved Extroverted World, my biggest hope is that we can remain friends. Please don’t take it personally when I tell you I’d rather shave my left leg with a rusty razor than come to your Cinco de Mayo party. Don’t be offended if I’m hiding in the back row of your “It’s Time to Shine” assertiveness seminar.

There will always be a special place in my heart for you – a quiet place located a safe distance away.

With deep affection (although it may not show),

An introvert

Introverted Groom Hospitalized in Dancing Accident

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man_in_stretcher_02An extremely introverted groom lost consciousness after collapsing from self-consciousness. Ellis McKinney was rushed to a local hospital shortly after he and his bride began the first dance at their wedding reception.

Seconds after the band launched into “Just in Time,” McKinney noticed hundreds of partygoers watching him. He began to hyperventilate and then spun around in what appeared to be a fancy dance move. He fell dizzily to the floor. Bride Janice Ankelman-McKinney screamed hysterically when she realized he wasn’t break dancing.

“He told me he felt uncomfortable being the center of attention,” sobbed Ankelman-McKinney. “I tried to make things easier for him. We even had his identical twin brother take his place in the reception line.”

Best man, Neil Copper said, “I’m not surprised this happened. At our bachelor party, he kept telling the stripper giving him a lap dance, ‘Please, I need my space.’”

McKinney regained consciousness in the hospital but became agitated when his nurse began humming “Sunrise Sunset.” He’s expected to fully recover.

Although still in shock, his young bride said she’s relieved and “thankful I didn’t ask him to do the Chicken Dance. It would’ve killed him.”

Growing up in an Extrovert Family

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family_01It’s tough for Introverts to interact with strangers. The only thing tougher for some is to interact with their families.

Being the only introvert in an extrovert family is never easy, but it’s great training for surviving the extrovert world.

The same strategies that help introverts survive karaoke nights with obnoxious workmates named “that guy in accounts receivable” can also help them survive station-wagon-packed family vacations to Disneyland.

Here are some helpful tips that apply to both the family and business worlds:

Take time to recharge – Sitting at a family dinner while listening to your little sister talk about dance class is never easy. But it’s a great time to work on your “Isn’t that fascinating?” face, which will always come in handy when you’re thinking about more important things like, “When can I leave?”

Set an interaction quota – For example, each day, reward yourself for speaking to one of your siblings and ignoring the others – on a rotating basis, of course. Then buy yourself a treat without worrying about making eye contact with the 7-Eleven cashier.

Find your personal networking style – For a lot of kids it’s throwing food. For others, it’s screaming for help after you’ve been stuffed into your locker.

Find the other family introverts – Your self-absorption may have prevented you from noticing there are additional loners in the family. Take the time to introduce yourself. Then check back with them in 15 years.

Work on your conversation-starters – Introverts like to plan conversations in their head, sometimes for the next 15 years. It never hurts to prepare lines like, “Dad, I got drunk and cashed the car.” Or, “Mom, I charged a tattoo and a piercing to your credit card.”

Find ways to demonstrate your passion and skills – People often think introverts are passive creatures with little to say or do. Show them you’re more than a quiet loner. Start by constructing a tamper-proof lock for your bedroom door.

Build on your existing contacts – If you like to play basketball with your best friend Larry, ask Larry if he has any friends who, 15 years from now, may need legal assistance for a drunk driving charge.

Smile – But not so much your parents think you’ve joined a cult.

Marcel Marceau, the Very Quiet Introvert

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OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

You would think having a job that requires being silent would be the perfect occupation for an introvert. Marcel Marceau (1923-2000), universally considered the world’s greatest mime, thought otherwise.

He was a classic introvert. At parties he hated small mime. It was practically impossible for him to gesture, “How are you?” “Nice weather we’ve been having.” “You must give me the recipe for these invisible cheese puffs!”

Marceau told his imaginary biographer, “I can put myself in invisible rooms but I can’t keep invisible people out. I try to ignore them. They always want to say. ‘hello,’ ask how I’m doing, and sell me life insurance.”

He spent his life trying to avoid make-believe people. “On an intellectual level I know they don’t exist, but I can’t avoid them,” Marceau told a reporter from Popular Mime magazine in 1977. He revealed in the same interview he’d been seeing an invisible therapist for the past 25 years. “Sure, I could make more progress with an actual therapist but my guy charges so little and he really gets me.”

Marcel Marceau was married three times, once to a woman who actually existed. “It was always the same problem: ‘Marcel, why are you so quiet?’ ‘Marcel, stop smelling that invisible flower and come to bed.’ I’ve always preferred one-on-none relationships. But every time I create an invisible wall to keep the world out, I allow another beautiful invisible creature back in my heart. I’m the classic introvert. I can’t live with imaginary people. I can’t live without them.”

Ten Things Extroverts Wished They Had Let Introverts Say

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…If they could stop talking for one second

4

  • I noticed our waiter didn’t wash his hands in the men’s room.
  • I too think Janice would make a great treasurer, but you do know she served time for embezzlement.
  • Is that your car being towed?
  • I can think of a few good reasons why our candidate should be against kindergarten students carrying loaded firearms.
  • If you have no objections to a hard working drug mule joining your family, I am asking for your daughter’s hand in marriage.
  • He’s great at multitasking if by multitasking you mean being a sales manager and Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.
  • Here’s what I think about your plan, General Custer.
  • Why should we assume a 300-lb man, covered in tattoos, breaking into our apartment is really good at heart?
  • Contrary to what you may believe, I don’t think that’s one of the ways to skin a cat.
  • Is that package ticking?

Captors Forced to Endure Silent Treatment from Introverted Prisoners

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bored_prisoner_01A much-anticipated congressional report investigating torture methods carried out by the government’s security agency revealed the extent to which introverted captives inflicted emotional damage on their interrogators.

“They seem to thrive on isolation and silence” said one agent. “Even when we try to be friendly, they don’t talk. Frankly, it hurts our feelings.”

Report after report described the introverted prisoners as “silent,” “arrogant,” “standoffish,” and “stuck up”. An interrogator recounts, “I got so frustrated, I screamed ‘Why are you so quiet?’ He just looked at me and said, ‘Why can’t you stop yapping? Waterboarding is more stimulating than your dimwitted tête-à-tête.’”

The prisoner’s behavior mystified the most seasoned agents. “Why don’t they want to talk about the weather or the Kardashians?” was a frequently-asked question. “The only time the introverted prisoners get visibly upset is when we remove them from solitary confinement.”

The captors’ frustration was summed up by one agent: “I put down my whip and electric cattle prod in exasperation and screamed, “Why aren’t you saying anything?” “The prisoner responded, ‘It’s not as if I’m not thinking anything.’”

Man Walks Across the U.S. while Obsessing about Next Summer’s Vacation

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man_hiking_02Don Macomber, a plumber from Philadelphia, walked 3,876 miles across the United States to raise money and awareness for blistered foot sufferers. He hiked the entire distance while obsessing about his vacation plans for next summer.

Don kept a journal, chronicling the parts of the trip he could remember, starting with a close call in Indiana while walking absentmindedly in the middle of a busy highway. “I was thinking about renting a cottage next summer on the Jersey shore, and the next thing I know I’m in the passing lane.”

He doesn’t remember a thing about crossing Iowa or Nebraska. “Corn fields come to mind and I recall asking myself, ‘Should buy SPF 15 or 30 sunscreen when I go to the beach?’”

Macomber assumes he met countless people during his long trek. “ I vaguely remember a very nice woman offering me a glass of water in Illinois or Colorado. These acts of kindness, most of which I have no recall, from strangers reaffirm my love of mankind.”

This was to be Don’s only long distance walk, “although I may have hiked the Appalachian trail last month. I seem to remember something about wrestling a black bear in my pup tent.”

Introvert’s Life Opens up with Help of Extrovert Therapy Dog

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woman_with_dog_02Pamela (not her real name), a freelance 100 proofreader for a vodka trade magazine, is an extreme introvert who needs and values her time alone. But she also wants to experience things that her solitary lifestyle prevents, like meeting exiled foreign dictators and contra dancing.

She attempted to find a suitable date on websites like Shutin-no-more.com and eSemi-Social.org with no success. She eventually heard about an organization that matches introverts with extrovert therapy dogs.

“My life changed immediately for the better,” said Pamela. “On our first walk, Tad, my ETD, introduced me, well, pulled me to a woman hailing a cab, a man fixing a tire, and a couple arguing about money. If I was by myself I wouldn’t have noticed them.”

Like a lot of introverts, Pamela values being alone but also desires exposure to the outside world extroverts provide. “For many introverts like me, an extrovert is my window to parts unknown. Before I met Tad I had no idea packs of feral dogs congregated behind dumpsters in back allies.”

Pamela understands an extrovert therapy dog is no substitute for human companionship. “Eventually, I’d like to meet someone whose poop I don’t have to pick up. In the meantime, Tad has opened my eyes to new possibilities. It’s hard to believe I’ve lived this long without chasing a squirrel.”

Sesame Street Introduces New Introverted Character, Solomo

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introvert_muppet_01Sesame Street is set to unveil its new introverted character, Solomo. “We thought it was time to address the large number of kids who prefer to spend time alone reading or playing by themselves rather than seeking companionship with other kids,” said a Sesame Street spokespuppet.

Solomo will encourage introverted children by:

  • Showing the joys of being alone on a deserted rundown city street in a dimly lit neighborhood.
  • Encouraging them to be kind and considerate to their imaginary friends.
  • Explaining how to say in a nice way to extroverted Sesame Street characters, “I don’t want to open up.”
  • Teaching basic math skills like counting the minutes until they’ll be alone.
  • Giving other helpful advice to extroverted Sesame Street characters like: “Yes Kermit, it’s not easy being green, but it’s also not easy listening to a frog croak non-stop about it,”

In addition to being the first introverted character, Solomo will also be the first Muppet to shut his bedroom door so the camera doesn’t invade his privacy.