Tag: Historical Comedy Monologues

Commentors Weigh in on Declaration of Independence

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Ye Old Grammarian: Hey Jefferson, it’s “inalienable,” not “unalienable”!

Ye Old Grammatist: I think the two can be used interchangeably.

Ye Old Grammarian: Hey linguist brain, it’s “grammarian,” not “grammatist”!

LongtimeSubscriber99: All men are created equal? They obviously haven’t met the losers who live in Delaware.

PatriotMan555: I’m all for treating everyone equal. Can’t say enough about the guy who takes care of my slaves.

Abolitionist387: I bet your slaves could.

PatriotMan555: Typical bleeding-heart emancipationist.

ToryTom: “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness”? Come on, Continental Congress, pick a lane.

ParliamentPete: Typical King George hatchet piece.

RoyalSubject666: We get it, Hancock, you have great penmanship.

TeaPartyTom: Am I missing something? These truths are not self-evident to me.

NashuaNiceGuy: Why does Massachusetts get two Adams signers and New Hampshire only gets one Whipple?

HornyHession!!!: Just watch. The French are going to copy this and claim it as theirs.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”.

A Very Funny Book

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What if throughout history there had been late-night talk show hosts performing nightly monologues? “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages” by Ben Alper answers that question and more!

BTW: True story: This book caused Spartacus to do a spit-take.

Today’s Questions Answered by Yesterday’s People

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Herman Melville – “The hardest thing about dating is finding an attractive woman who likes to talk about whaling.”

Attila the Hun – “In my free time I like invading and tap dancing.”

Jack the Ripper – “The most interesting thing about me is how I got my nickname.”

Napoleon Bonaparte – “My biggest weakness is focusing too much on my career, but those countries aren’t going to be conquered by themselves.”

Muhammad – “I try not to focus on one thing. That’s why I’m a spiritual and a political leader.”

Oedipus – “I get along fine with my mother, but I won’t lie, it can be complicated.”

Vincent van Gogh – “What was your question? I’m kind of hard of hearing.”

Alexander Graham Bell – “The most annoying thing for me is when I’m cut off while trying to send a telegraph.”

Amelia Earhart – “No, we don’t need to ask for directions.”

Charles Dickens – “She was a great kisser. She was a sloppy kisser.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Firsts for America’s First Graduating College Class, Harvard 1642

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First class to deny admission to an OWASP (Off White Anglo Saxton Protestant)

First and last class with no legacy students

First student to be punished for cheating by being placed in stocks.

First person named Saltonstall accepted without the assistance of another person named Saltonstall

First party hearty student nicknamed the Pukin’ Puritan

First student placed on probation for attending spring ball with a witch

First student to call the Mayflower his family yacht

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Things Pony Express Riders Ask Themselves

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Should this horse have a mail slot?

What if I rode side saddle?

Am I taking work away from carrier pigeons?

Is it wrong to use dear John letters as toilet paper?

Would that coyote like to hear about my day?

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Sections of Very First Newspaper (Relation Aller Fürnemmen Und Gedenckwürdigen Historien)

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Front page headline: “Village Idiot Announces Retirement”

Sports: “Durchdenwald Decapitated in Death Match, Will Not Be Headed to Second Round”

Letters to Editor: “To the Editor: What is a newspaper?”

Advice columnist: “Dear Heidindrudis, Our eleven-year-old daughter wants to marry an elderly man twice her age.”

Obituary: “Rudegerus spent his final day doing what he loved the best: gasping for air.”

Editorial: “We disavow our last editorial and request our editorial editor be returned.”

Classified ad: “For sale – Suit of armor. Includes broken sword and remnants of previous owner”

Lifestyle: “Has the Plague Affected Your Self-Esteem?”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Comments While Watching First Manned Hot Air Balloon Flight Over Paris

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Balloon shla-moon. That’s a big fat pigeon.

Why didn’t they just fill a horse with hot air?

Do you think it could carry me from the kitchen to the dining room?

Impressive but where do the servants ride?

That reminds me; I need to see a doctor about my giant swollen testicle.

If man were meant to fly, God would’ve given him a softer tush to land on.

What a letdown! I thought “untethered” meant naked from the waist up.

No, they’re waving at me.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”