Have you noticed news writers and editors have become taken with “takeaways”? Who needs a beginning, middle and end to a story when you can have a list of equal observations?
Here are my takeaways on takeaways.
Aren’t you glad there wasn’t a newspaper story titled “Three Takeaways From President Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address”?
Aren’t you even more glad there wasn’t a newspaper story titled “900 Takeaways From the Allied Invasion of France”?
We can only hope a sharp editor would have killed one of the takeaways in “Eleven Takeaways From God’s New Ten Commandments.”
The same for “Four Takeaways From The Three Musketeers.”
If a news organization declares bankruptcy, can its creditors takeaway its takeaways?
Until recently, takeaway articles didn’t involve immigrants being taken away.
Little known fact: High Times magazine is the only publication that has tokeaways.
A story with five takeaways could be interesting. A dining experience with five takeaways could lead to food poisoning.
Ok, they’re not news stories, but rental car agreements could certainly use some takeaways.
This piece clearly shows why no article should have ten takeaways.
Good evening and welcome to our Lake of Fire monthly meeting. For those of you who had a devil of a time getting here, you have nothing but our envy.
I will begin with some housekeeping items.
It’s been brought to our attention that someone has been tampering with the Inferno’s humidity control. I can’t emphasize this more strongly: the eternal burning flames of Hell are a dry heat. Let’s please keep it that way.
Also, even though torment and suffering are our brand, intermittent Wi-Fi reception is unacceptable. Rest assured, we’re working on this problem, but what can I say? Eternal damnation is a day in the park compared to dealing with Xfinity.
Now, a special announcement. We’ve been informed of a soon-to-be Hellion. This new addition to our community should be no surprise to any of you. His name is Donald J. Trump. Although we haven’t received a formal application, this was a no brainer, and we’ve already completed the application process. In fact, we’ve never received so many strong and even pleading recommendations.
I’ve never said this before, but I think Trump may be the first ever applicant over qualified – by a mile.
Let’s quickly review his record:
He’s been charged with 88 criminal offenses in four criminal cases.
He’s been convicted of 34 felonies.
Countless women have accused him of sexual assault.
He was found liable for sexually abusing E. Jean Carroll in the mid-1990s.
He’s been found guilty countless times of civil fraud.
I could go on and on, but the Repentant Sinners Anonymous group needs this room in a couple of hours, and I think you get the big picture: encouragement of political violence, ethical violations and conflicts of interest, falsification of business records, civil fraud conviction, classified documents investigation. He’s the whole enchilada.
We can’t say for sure when he’ll be arriving, but we’re predicting it will be shortly after he meets his maker when falling off a balcony while attempting to grope an AI version of Miss Pitch and Putt 1993.
When Donald Trump arrives, please make him feel at home and whatever you do, don’t enter into any business deals with him.
Chatbots are chewing up human jobs in every line of work. It’s only a matter of time before your boss asks you to share your cubicle with a laptop named Zeke.
The media business hasn’t been spared from automated agents. Google is testing an A.I. tool that writes news articles. It will eventually, no doubt, be programmed to vehemently deny it received its promotion by kissing up to its A.I. editor.
Since no technology is foolproof, what happens when A.I.-generated news stories are incorrect? A.I.-generated corrections, of course.
Front Page – An article on Monday about President Biden’s dog Commander making biting comments about Secret Service agents misstated the nature of the attacks. His canine had actually been making droll observations.
International – A story on Friday misstated Morocco was holding bisexual talks with Jordan. It should have said Mo Rocca announced his engagement to Guy Lateral.
National – A picture caption with an article on Sunday described Barack Obama as America’s first blech president. He is America’s first meh president.
Sports – A story on Wednesday about the City College of New York (CCNY) point-shaving gambling scandal of 1950–51 misstated the number of barber shops involved. The scandal also included the City College of Shaving (CCS).
Arts & Leisure – A review on Tuesday of the play “Death of a salesman” misstated the lead character as Wilma Highman. The correct name is Willy Lo Mein.
Opinion – A column by George Won’t on Thursday misidentified the organization that conducted a poll on voter turnups. It was the Gallop Equestrian Poll, not the P.U. Odor Research Center.
Obituaries – An obituary on Thursday about Agnes Lowenstein, the longtime hostess at New York’s Tavern on the Scream, misspelled the name of the former owner. It is Mistress Jayne, not Mistress Jane.
Vows – An article last Sunday about the wedding of Betty Harrington and Joseph Wilder misstated they met during the sinking of the RMS Lusitania in 1915. They met while standing in the buffet line on the Titanic.
Real Estate – The Condo of the Week feature last Sunday incorrectly described the fish and game room at 23 Joiner Street, No. 45b. It is accessible through a hallway with a small catapult door.
Book Review – A review on March 16 of “Dolly Lama,” by Edward Fitzgerald, misstated the age at which His Holiness worked as an understudy for Angela Lansbury in Remember the Mame. He was 23, not 47.
Magazine – An article on page 23 about the Chef Alexis Slow-Boyle misidentifies the scallops pictured in her frying panties. They are cross examined, not grilled or interrogated.
Travel – An article last Sunday misstated the discoverer of the Galapagos Islands was NASCAR driving legend Vinnie Galopino. It was naturist and 1939 “Nudist of the Year” Charles Darwingler.
I know what you’re thinking: What if A.I.-generated corrections need correcting? It can mean only one thing: more overtime pay for Artificial Intelligence.
Living Inside My Head 