Tag: writing

Bewitched, Bothered, and BTrumped

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Madison O’Rourke chairs the Spiritual Development department at the Learning Annex in Fort Worth, Texas. She is also host of the podcast, “Mexican Cuisine the O’Rourke Way.”

Dear Madison,

Help me, I’m in a horrifying relationship with a terrible man! A man I never wanted to know in the first place. Since he was elected president in 2016, I shudder just thinking about him. He won’t go away – and it keeps getting worse.

I’ve tried everything. I’ve signed petitions, marched in demonstrations, engaged in letter writing campaigns – but he’s still in my life. He makes me feel drained, belittled, and controlled by him – especially when I see billionaires, fat checks in hands, lined up to smooch his flabby bottom.

There seems to be no way to get rid of him – and I can’t stop thinking about him.

What can I do?

Insane in Indiana

Dear Insane,

Tell me about it. I totally sympathize with you. I am in a relationship with the same guy! I didn’t ask for it, either. I thought I was finally rid of him after his ninetieth indictment and fiftieth photo with Jeffrey Epstein, but he’s still in my head, no matter how many “Dear Deranged Dufus” letters I imagine writing.

Dating a bad boy is one thing, but courting a narcissistic, psychopathic, unhinged lunatic is a whole other can of worms.

I don’t know what to tell you but if you figure out how to rid yourself of this prime piece of pestilence, please let me know before I flee the country and start responding to the lovelorn from Latvia.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

How to Get Your Letter to the Editor Published

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You want to respond to an article you’ve read in a newspaper or magazine. How can you increase the chances your thoughtful and compelling letter will be published? Rule number one: It is always about you. Here are some examples:

  • Having lived my life as a modern interpretive dancer trapped in the body of a certified public accountant, I question writer Phyllis Foster’s thesis that people who can’t balance their checkbook are pansexual.
  • Your profile of football legend Johnny Unitas brought back memories of the time I dropped acid with Bart Starr.
  • As someone who was abducted by space aliens and endured six months of daily full-body cavity searches, I agree with Dr. Ross Sturgeon’s guidance in his piece, “The Importance of Regular Colonoscopy Screening for Colorectal Cancer.”
  • I am a direct descendent of one of Julias Ceaser’s illegitimate children, and totally disagree with the article, “Lizzie Borden’s Parents Had It Coming.”
  • Gerhard Flixter’s flawless coverage of high school marching bands brought back visceral memories of tuba jam sessions during my 90s youth in Knockemstiff, Ohio.
  • Kelefa Sanneh’s insightful deep dive into the world of septic tank construction and maintenance omitted mention of my great great grandfather, Leon Flushman, the inventor of the outlet pipe.
  • I was delighted to read Nora Plotsky’s brilliant piece on 1940s film stars who could not roll their Rs. As the speech coach who taught Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to sing without a lisp, I only wish I could have been there to help Lauren Bacall master “Ay, caramba!”
  • Being custodian of the letters from the Ty-D-Bol Man, I take issue with the recent piece, “A Custodian of Letters is Nothing More Than an Exalted Janitor.”
  • Loraine Kimblebee’s thoughtful meditation on underwater karaoke clubs reminded me of the time oceanographer Jacques Cousteau bet me I couldn’t gargle a mouthful of goldfish.
  • When I began a long-term relationship with journalist Leon Paxton, I didn’t realize I would become the subject of his three-part series, “A Ravishing Chatbot Named Zelda Destroyed My Marriage.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Anger Mismanagement

Published on by benalp20132 Comments

A Florida attorney attending a wedding reception became angry when two young girls cut ahead of him in the buffet line. Mark Roher approached the girls’ father and asked him to do something about it. The man ignored him, leaving Roher no choice. He grabbed the father and smashed a plate over his head, and a melee ensued.

Roher was charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon and was bailed out of Palm Beach County Jail after his $1,000 bond was met.

I’m not sure what Roher did after that, but I bet he didn’t go home, sit down and scream at himself: “I’m an idiot in dire need of professional help!” If past is prologue, I believe he’s just getting started. Here’s what I think his future holds:

He will find himself in a supermarket express lane behind an eighty-year-old woman with eleven cans of cat food. As his blood boils while she searches for three pennies in her change purse, he will explode and begin swatting her with a rolled-up National Enquirer magazine. He will eventually be dragged away by the store’s assistant manager, heaved into a shopping cart, and shoved out into a busy street.

Weeks later, Mr. Roher’s neighbors will descend upon his house upon seeing him wildly strangling his neighbor who borrowed his lawn mower weeks before and had not yet returned it. After pleads for him to stop fail, he will be forced to flee one of the neighbors wielding a buzzing weed wacker.

One month after that, he’ll notice a UPS delivery man casually drop a package marked “Fragile” on his front steps. An enraged Attorney Roher will attempt to give the gentleman an atomic wedgie. The driver will fight back, and the combatants will wrestle each other down the front steps, onto the lawn. The fight will conclude with both men being maced by a concerned FedEx delivery man who happened to be driving by.

Three months later, Roher will serve six months’ probation following a pickle ball ruckus.

A day after his probation ends, he will choke a Starbucks barista for misspelling “Roher” on his Pistachio Frappuccino cup.

After posting bail for the seventh time in two months, police will be called to his house after neighbors once again complain of him screaming out his window, “I’m mad as hell for no particular reason, and I’m not going to take it anymore!”

And finally, after being sentenced once again to attend an anger management class, he will be sentenced to attend a really, really, extreme anger management class.

I’d like to think there’s hope for Mr. Roher, but I’m not holding my breath. Why? Who breaks a plate over someone’s head at a wedding?

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”