Month: January 2015

Top 10 Introvert Sexting Lines

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nose_textingYou’re so hot. I want you in another state.

I don’t mean to brag but I can go as long as I can obsess.

Give me some small talk and make it hurt.

The other voice in my head likes to watch.

You’re like my annoying boss. I can’t stop thinking about you.

I get so horny when you don’t say anything.

You wear me out like a 25-minute sales meeting.

I’m going to drive you beyond ecstasy and then give you some alone time.

You’re so sexy when you avoid eye contact.

I’d love to watch you decompress in the nude.

I’m Still Here, Reading in My Apartment – one-woman show delivers a reserved punch

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bad_actress_01

Theater review by Cesar Crouton

Judith Andelman reflects on her journey from a single, artistically inclined, withdrawn actress to an unmarried, creative, introverted, performer. It’s a transformation to behold, and she does it without making eye contact with the audience for two and a half hours.

Ms. Andelman – a veteran of countless Off, Off, Off Broadway productions including “I’m Afraid of Virginia Woolf’s Cocktail Parties,” The Iceman Cometh and won’t Shut Upeth,” and “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Boring Me” – explains through music and monologue how she overcame and embraced her introversion.

We watch this gifted, if not approachable, actress blossom before our eyes. As a child, sitting in her room, she sings about the joys of solitude (“No One to Watch Over Me”). Her teenage years are a profile in uneasiness. Her silence is always misinterpreted as standoffishness (“I Go to My Head”).

Ms. Andelman is an obsessive diarist. She quotes liberally from it her countless lovers who ask countless times, “Why are you so quiet?” This consumes approximately 95 percent of the show and 249 renditions of “Never Say Goodbye, Or Anything Else.”

The evening’s most heartbreaking moment comes when she hits rock bottom and is dismissed from a dinner theater production of “A Chorus Line” for insisting she only appear on stage with one dancer at a time. She apologizes and offers to dance with at least three. It’s too late and she realizes it, tearfully acknowledging “What I Probably Should Have Done for Love.”

Eventually through song and an imaginary therapist, Adelman explores her introversion. This leads to acceptance and self-love. In an emotional finale, she sends the audience home with a heartfelt and inspired “Of Me I Sing (Baby).”

I’m Still Here, Reading in My Apartment: Created and performed by Judith Andelman; Songs and lyrics by Judith Andelman (pending a lawsuits by the estates of George and Ira Gershwin, J. Fred Coots and Haven Gillespie, Clifton Davis, Marvin Hamlisch, and many others.)

Are you an introvert or are you just nervous to see me?

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nervous introvert

Introvert Extrovert test

There are many signs that indicate you could be introvert. For example, are you reading this blog post instead of attending your wedding reception?

Still not sure if you’re an introvert? You could seek an evaluation by a trained mental health professional. But who needs that when you can take a 30-second quiz on the Internet. (Note: If you feel you need more depth of knowledge, check out Carl Jung on Wikipedia. He’s the founder of analytical psychology and developed the concept of extraversion and introversion, an idea that came to him after his wife asked him for the 1000th time, “Why are you so quiet?”)

The following brief test is designed for those too lazy to google “Am I an introvert?”

Question 1: You are on a train that leaves the station at noon. The train is 187 miles from its destination at 2:45 p.m. and 90 miles from its destination at 4:15 p.m. How far will the train travel before you speak to the passenger sitting next to you?

Question 2: Which of the following is not a happy introvert moment?

  1. I’ve been quarantined by the Health Department.
  2. I won Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski’s remotely-located mountain shack in a government auction.
  3. The warden is sending me to solitary confinement.
  4. My officemates, whom I barely know, threw me a surprise birthday party at TGI Fridays.

Question 3: Look at the ink blot. What is the first thing that comes to mind?

ink_blot

  1. A melted Fudgsicle
  2. Three dancing bears
  3. I’m sorry. I was consumed in my own thoughts. What was the question?

Question 4: In 250 words or fewer, make a case for or against the following: The world should throw all its resources into colonizing the moon because introverts need more space to decompress.

Question 5: True or False – There’s nothing wrong with eating alone at a restaurant as long as you don’t engage in loud conversation with your utensils.

Question 6: Fill-in-the-Blank – Whenever I’m in a crowd of strangers for an extended period of time, I feel like falling to my knees and screaming like a wild _____ .

Question 7: Compare and contrast Lady Macbeth and that nudnik who always interrupts you while you’re sitting alone reading a book.

Question 8: If you are on a single or two-lane road and come to an intersection with a divided highway or a roadway with three or more lanes, you must:

  1. Yield the right of way to other traffic.
  2. Stop the car, get out, walk into the woods and gather your thoughts.

Question 9: What does this Auguste Rodin’s statue, The Thinker say to you?

THINKERs

  1. I’m bored. I think I’ll call my friends and see what they’re doing.
  2. Finally, I have some time to think.

Question 10: Do you think it’s going to rain?

  1. I don’t think so, which is good because I’m playing golf tomorrow with my buddies.
  2. Who cares, can we please talk about something more interesting?

Calculating your score – If it’s not obvious to you by now if you’re an introvert, it may be time to seek professional help.

Archeologists Discover Paleolithic Introvert

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prehistoric-women_01A team of archaeologists excavating an ancient apothecary under a Roanoke, Virginia CVS discovered the remains of the world’s oldest known introvert. Scientists call the 130,000-year-old skeleton, Homo Standoffish and nicknamed her Alma. She provides a glimpse into the early age of introversion and differs from other humans discovered from this era.

Alma preferred staying in her cave alone and reading wall paintings. She rarely socialized with other Homo sapiens. When she did, she preferred long, intense conversations about not being killed by a large animal.

She occasionally attended fertility rituals and human sacrifices but often fled large gatherings after a short time to “recharge.”

Small talk was problematic for Alma because people’s vocabulary at that time was limited to three or four grunts. Most party talk consisted of “How do you know the host?” and “I thought the host had been eaten by a lion.”

Alma had a rich inner life and was the first creature to obsess on two legs.

She spent most of her adulthood (18 months) as property of an extrovert Troglodyte who frequently asked her, “What’s wrong? Why aren’t you grunting?” The couple had three children, one of whom, an introvert, had a brief career as a freelance forager.

As with most introverts, Alma never felt comfortable being the center of attention. She had good reason to feel that way after finding herself surrounded by a neighboring tribe who overreacted to her satiric cave mural, “Toothless Fools.” Fortunately, she died of old age before the horde could sacrifice her to no one in particular.

Plans are being made for Alma’s remains to be exhibited at the National Museum of Solitude and Tranquility.

Ask Mindy Menorah – My Kid Won’t Say the Darndest Things

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woman-74

Dear Mindy,

Our son is an extreme introvert. He has few friends, most of whom are imaginary and not particularly friendly. He stays in his room most of the time. We have to practically beg him to join our family’s weekly Polka Trivia Night.

Things had gotten so bad we had no choice but to hire a highly-regarded introvert deprogrammer (he has his own Internet blog) who kidnapped him and kept him at his private institution in the Poconos. The results were disastrous. Our son spent most of the time taking solitary walks in the woods around the institute and having deep philosophical discussions with the other introverts. The deprogrammer brought him back unchanged. In fact, our son wants to return to the Poconos next summer for a “spiritual renewal” with his new introvert friends.

Where did we go wrong?

Flummoxed in Flicksville

Dear Flummoxed,

Introversion is not a condition that can be treated like a fear of Belgium waffles. It’s a personality trait hard-wired in a person’s brain. You may never understand your son’s introvert ways, but that doesn’t mean you can’t show you love him. Promising not to have him kidnapped and held against again his will is a good start. Also, share an activity that he enjoys like sitting alone in your bedrooms. Does your employer celebrate Take Your Introvert to Work Day? It’s a great way for your child to observe your world and then flee after five minutes.

You may never understand you son’s world but he needs your love and support, preferably in small doses from a safe distance.

Mindy Menorah, Ph.D., LCSW, AWOL is a licensed, bonded, and insured couples therapist. For 23 years she was the official Osmond family mediator.

Not-So-Great Things about Being an Introvert

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Dead Tired

  • People always ask, “Why aren’t you talking?” Particularly the person who hired you as an auctioneer.
  • Every time you tell friends you want to be alone they say, “Great, we’ll keep you company.”
  • Folks mistake your aloofness for indifference and your indifference for unfriendliness.
  • Being with a large group of people exhausts you, especially when you’re running in a marathon.
  • Co-workers assume you’re a bad leader, just because you added sitting alone to your company’s team-building exercises.
  • You have to constantly suppress your rage while explaining, yet again, that you don’t hate people.

Great Things about Being an Introvert

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introvert_01

  • You get to spend extended periods alone – until a neighbor calls 911 and reports the hermit living next door may have died.
  • You’re very self-aware of things like the sound of hair growing out of your head.
  • You’re not a snob; you have a hard time connecting with people above and beneath you.
  • Dining by yourself is great once you get past the hostess screaming, “Margery, your table-for-one is ready!!!”
  • You’re creative. You can think of countless ways to say, “I just want to go home and vegetate.”

Ask Dr. Introvert

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behind_computer

Question

Answer
Are shy people introverts? Many people are shy but shyness and introversion are two different types of personality characteristics. Extroverts can also be shy, although they prefer being in a large group of people when wetting their pants in fear.
Why are introverts so quiet? Introverts are often consumed with deep and profound thoughts like, “How can mankind sustain itself?” or “Should I order pepperoni or sausage pizza?”
Are all introverts sensitive? No, but most are. And the ones who are sensitive can easily detect mood shifts in their friends and pet turtles.
Do introverts hate people? That’s a terrible misconception. I could never like you for thinking that.
Does a person’s upbringing affect whether they will be an introvert? Only if his or her parents name them Johnny Depp or Eleanor Roosevelt.
Why do introverts dislike small talk? Introverts enjoy deeper conversation. They don’t understand that small talk will actually lead them to the bigger topics. If you want to make them feel comfortable, greet them by saying, “Hi, I’m (your name), nice Nuclear Arms Limitation Treaty Talks we’ve been having.”
Can drugs change an introvert into an extrovert? Aside from the Incredible Hulk, no.

Dr. Introvert (not her real name), a board certified psychologist, treats patients suffering from Anthropophobia, Coulrophobia, and anyone who pays in cash. She is the past president of Doctors without Borders and Ethics.