I’ve Got to Stop Meeting Like This

living_alone_03bIntroverts need a certain amount of alone time – for example, to recover after Cindy in sales punishes you for 120 minutes with her vacation plans to Disney World.

There is a point, however, where solitude becomes isolation. Here are some signs you need to get out more:

  • You’re inflatable doll says she wants to start seeing other people.
  • You recently became a Home Shopping Club Platinum Lifetime Member.
  • You’re on a first name basis with each of your toes.
  • Your one hermit friend says you’re starting to freak him out.
  • You ran out of deodorant in 1982.
  • You’ve been trying to find a doctor who performs home colonoscopies.
  • You’ve started replacing words with grunts.
  • Even the Jehovah’s Witnesses have stopped knocking on your door.
  • You’re binge-watching Vintage Weather Reports on Netflix.
  • Your boyfriend, with whom you’ve only communicated via Skype, is starting to wonder if you’re computer generated.

Sextroverting can be a Multisyllabic Turn On

texting-1024x682Just because introverts are small-talk averse doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy a little sensual messaging. Keep your key-play intense and complex. Use the following chart to take your touch taps to smoldering heights.

Popular sexting phrase Sextroverting translation
What are you wearing? I respond very well to visual stimuli, particularly when it comes to women’s couture. I’d be curious to know if you are sporting anything intended to arouse the male species.
I was thinking about you in the shower today. An interesting thing happened while I was bathing this morning. Normally, I’m thinking about things pertaining to Paleolithic civilization but this time your name came up.
I think your lips are really sensuous. Not to detract from other parts of your anatomy, but I’d venture to say your lips, especially the bottom one, are your strongest features.
Want to see my “50 Shades of Grey”? I have a proposition for you. How do you feel about shades of grey and how many do you think you could tolerate viewing during an evening?
I want to take you to a place called orgasmland Are you familiar with a township known as Orgasmland? I’m quite certain you won’t find it on Google Maps.
Your bulge is driving me mad. It’s really a strange phenomenon that even I have a hard to processing, but I’m quite overwhelmed by your growing expression of affection for me.
I dreamed about you last night; you were mostly naked in it. The previous evening I had a dream. I’m almost certain you were in it and you weren’t wearing anything. Either that or you were wearing one of those funny body suits that give the impression of nakedness. If that were the case, I still found it very arousing.
I want to be naughty with you in the office. I have a lot of work to do, but I can clear some time during the afternoon after my 3:00 p.m. meeting for sex in the copier room.
I’d love to ride you. I have to confess, we may be moving towards interspecies fantasies because I have a strong urge to mount you.
I want to feel your strong grip on me. I have no objections to your light caresses. I even desire them on a regular basis. But I wouldn’t object to a more authoritative clasp.

Debutante Ball Presents Introverted Women to Extroverted Society

Daughters of the world’s crème de la reticent presented themselves reluctantly to high society at a glittering Debutante Ball in New York City. The college-aged women from some of America’s most prestigious alternative colleges spent the evening avoiding the well-heeled scions of the country’s elite families.

Here is a partial list of this year’s introvert debutante coterie.

 debutante_01 Felicity Searing Saltonstall is entering her 12th year and 32nd major at Hampshire College where she is currently studying the label on a maple syrup bottle. She is active in Habitat for Hummus and is vice president and sole member of her book discussion group.

She is the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Dwight Pepper Saltonstall. Pending final hormone treatments, her mother is the former Frank Peabody.

 debutante_03 Doris Drysdale Flotsam has been homeschooled by four step mothers. She is currently working on her doctoral thesis, “The Effects of Watching Soap Operas Non Stop While Being Home Schooled.” She plans to study abroad next year in her neighbor’s attic.

She is the daughter of Mr. Fenwick Dillinger Flotsam and either Mrs. Judith Epstein Bordon or a hitchhiker who claimed to be Patty Hearst’s sister.

 debutante_05 Blanche DuNot Disturb is sophomore at Antioch College where she studies ornithology and majors in Mynah birds. Her hobbies include speaking French to herself and shopping online. She also volunteers as a Big Sister to a young teenager whom Blanche emails regularly.

She is the daughter of Mr. Lance Darryl Disturb, her mother the former Linda Truluck Pettibone.

 7578163004_dd03ce18f2_o Missy Elizabeth Monigue is a senior at Goddard College where she majors in interplanetary relations. She has made dean’s list four consecutive years without leaving her dorm room. In her spare time she likes to sing three-part harmony with the voices in her head.

She is the daughter of the late Mr. and Mrs. Holcomb Bedford Monigue, her mother the former Grizabella de Sade.

 debutante_04 Nora Rayford Doodlehauf is a junior at Bennington College where she majors in journaling and minors in alienation. She spent last summer teaching an isolated Amazon tribe how to be even more isolated.

Nora enjoys writing 1000-word Post-it notes reminding people to be more considerate and waiting until her roommate leaves for the weekend so she can breathe.

She is the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Sheldon Hatfield Doodlehauf III, her mother the former Margo Zinnia Rampick.

 Young-depressed-woman-on--008 Evelyn Dodge Bullet is a senior at Bryn Mawr College where she expects to eventually choose a major.

Evelyn enjoys the outdoors and has avoided eye contact with over 300 species of birds.

She has worked as a proof reader, a telesales clerk, and a Mossad agent.

She is the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Alden Magner Bullet, her mother the former Tallulah Bank Job.

Variety is the Spice of Strife – Jump Start Your Introvert / Extrovert Love Life

sex_spice_up_01How do you re-kindle the magic that made you ignore your obvious introvert / extrovert differences? Here are some suggestions.

  • Surprise your extrovert with a new sexual position where you’re both in the same room.
  • Go to an introvert swapping party, don’t mingle, and leave after five minutes.
  • Greet your extrovert at the door wearing nothing but your inner thoughts.
  • Be more affectionate with your introvert. Don’t say, “Why aren’t you talking?” Say, “You really turn me on when you’re uncommunicative.”
  • Go to an extrovert swapping party, stay all night and then invite everyone for breakfast and STD tests.
  • Dress up your introvert as an unapproachable French maid.
  • Beg your introvert to go to a party and then surprise her with a group of hunky loners.
  • Talk dirty nonstop to your extrovert. This will turn him on and avoid unbearable silence.
  • Ask your extrovert if the voices in your head can watch.
  • Tease your extrovert by suggesting an intimate evening and then invite her best friends over for some foreplay.

Extroverted Like Me

extrovert_man_01What is it like to be an extrovert; to live each day with an insatiable need for social interaction; to speak before completing your thoughts; and to feel comfortable with large groups of people regardless of their taste in music?

I am an introvert and want to find out.

I must first prepare for my experiment. I need to learn how extroverts think and what they feel. I’m sitting near the hostess stand at an Olive Garden restaurant, observing them smiling, making eye contact, and greeting each other warmly. Some even talk to strangers, using phrases like, “Hi there,” “Have you eaten here before?” and “You can’t beat the Never Ending Pasta Bowl!”

The day finally comes for me to assume my identity as an extrovert. I wake early, shower, and choose my wardrobe. For the first time in years I do not dress in black. For the first time in years I will leave my beret at home.

As is my normal routine, I eat breakfast while watching “BBC News: Bulgaria.” I finish my tea and turn the TV off. My pulse quickens. Slowly I stand up and prepare to leave the comfort and security of my 800 square foot sanctuary and head into the extrovert world.

Two hours later I reach the outside of my apartment. I lock the door and turn around. Running directly at me is a UPS deliveryman winding up to heave a package on my front step. I take a deep breath. Here goes nothing: “Hey, how ya doin? Thanks so much, buddy! Have a great day!”

I stagger back into my apartment. It was worse than I thought.

Finding Someone Who Doesn’t Think Your Sounds of Silence Suck

When looking for a mate, it’s not easy to find that special person who will understand your quietness, but some people are uniquely qualified to deal with folks who don’t talk a lot. For example:

 british_queens_guard_prop_01 British Queen’s Guard – These guys are paid to spend each day in total silence. A few more minutes with you should be a piece of cake.
 librarian_03 Librarian – No one will treasure your silence more than a librarian. Aside from an occasional spirited discussion about the Dewey Decimal System, they love their shush-free moments.
 mime-hands Mime – Three unspoken words: He gets you.
 therapist_01 Psychiatrist – Who better for an introvert to have a relationship with than someone professionally trained to say “uh huh” and not much else?
 Wiretapping Surveillance specialist – You need a good listener, not a great conversationalist. He’s your guy.
 goddess Goddess – Goddesses aren’t chatty. All omnipotent creatures rarely are. They value your quiet spirit if not your obsession with the mundane.
 shepherd_01 Shepherd – Aside from an occasionally concerned sheep and a gossipy Border Collie, no one listens to his problems. He won’t expect you to be any different.