Month: April 2025

‘Oh Trumpzilla, We Can’t Quit You – Yet’

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

Donald Trump, leader of the gang that couldn’t conjugate the verb to be straight, wants to withhold funds from Harvard, rescind the University’s tax-exempt status, and is threatening to ban the school’s foreign students. He added: “Harvard is a JOKE, teaches Hate and Stupidity.” It must be true because he spelled “joke” in all CAPS.

All this – and a whole lot more – makes me wonder: When will his MAGA base begin to question his judgment, mental stability, and choice of orange bronzer?

Will it be when Trump Nation’s rationalization for his decision to deport anybody who rolls their Rs transitions from “What about Obama, Hillary, and Biden?” to “What about Martin Van Buren, James Buchanan, and Grover Cleveland?”

Will it be when Trumpers attempt to calculate their income tax using a pencil and a bottle of A1 sauce?

Or will it be when HHS Secretary RFK Jr. announces he’s discovered a cure for the heebie-jeebies?

My guess is the first signs of doubt among the Marvelous Mango’s legion will occur when Social Security payments transition from U.S. currency to slightly-used Monopoly money.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

I Needed Inner Life Insurance

Published on by benalp20131 Comment

I’ve always had a rich inner life. I’m constantly in touch with my true inner self; I never forget to tell me to have a nice day; and, of course, I never forget to remind my thoughts, emotions, and dreams: “No, you’re special.”

It’s because I value my inner life so much that I recently decided it was time for me to get some inner life insurance.

There are many insurance companies from which to choose, but after dreaming on it for a few months, I selected Allstate of Consciousness. It was a no-brainer, because I always go with my fantasies over my gut instincts.

After organizing my thoughts in the proper order of colors, I put on my favorite Bill Evans album, settled into my comfortable chair, took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and envisioned I was meeting the salesman from Allstate of Consciousness.

As expected, he was nothing like your typical pushy insurance salesman. He was everything I wanted and needed him to be. His name was Carl. His handshake was not too firm or limp. He only cared about my needs and desires. And best of all, halfway through his softest of soft sell pitch, he said, “You know what, I’m not going to charge you anything for this policy.”

I imagined carefully reading the 1500-page policy – all fine print – and thoroughly absorbed every detail. It was as easy as imagining reading a rental car agreement. Without hesitation, I signed it.

The inner life insurance policy I selected included member, non-member and dismember benefits; income replacement for years of non-existent salary; and funds for my imaginary children’s education should I die and have no money to leave nobody. Carl also threw in protection for fatal horseshoe crab bites.

And if that wasn’t enough, Carl and I became close personal friends for life and after. How close? We swore if either of us ever moved, the other would be there to help load the moving van – with even the heavy stuff like fold-out beds.

If you have a rich inner life, I recommend getting inner life insurance. You will never regret it. But whatever you do, NEVER IMAGINE GETTING A REVERSE MORTGAGE!

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”