Month: May 2025

You Should be Fined, Oklahoma

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

Oklahoma’s new public high school history curriculum requires students learn about baseless claims of voting irregularities in the 2020 election promoted by Donald Trump and his supporters. (Editor’s note: I am not making this up.)

Why stop there? Here are some more fantastical factoids that should be required learning.

  • 1776 – General George Washington crossed the Delaware River with his Continental Army after offloading all transsexual soldiers.
  • 1892 – Ellis Island in New York Harbor, originally a comfortable, well-kept Caucasian neighborhood, was overrun by immigrants who were allowed to quickly slip into the country.
  • 1915 – The British ocean liner, Lusitania was sunk by a German submarine while the ship’s crew was attending a mandatory diversity, equity and inclusion workshop.
  • 1927 – Charles Lindbergh made the first nonstop flight from New York to Paris, and then offered his plane, the Spirit of St. Louis, to Donald Trump’s grandfather as a gift.
  • 1929 – The Great Depression caused a severe global economic downturn when, overnight, able bodied men appeared in bread lines demanding free bread.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

How to Get Your Letter to the Editor Published

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You want to respond to an article you’ve read in a newspaper or magazine. How can you increase the chances your thoughtful and compelling letter will be published? Rule number one: It is always about you. Here are some examples:

  • Having lived my life as a modern interpretive dancer trapped in the body of a certified public accountant, I question writer Phyllis Foster’s thesis that people who can’t balance their checkbook are pansexual.
  • Your profile of football legend Johnny Unitas brought back memories of the time I dropped acid with Bart Starr.
  • As someone who was abducted by space aliens and endured six months of daily full-body cavity searches, I agree with Dr. Ross Sturgeon’s guidance in his piece, “The Importance of Regular Colonoscopy Screening for Colorectal Cancer.”
  • I am a direct descendent of one of Julias Ceaser’s illegitimate children, and totally disagree with the article, “Lizzie Borden’s Parents Had It Coming.”
  • Gerhard Flixter’s flawless coverage of high school marching bands brought back visceral memories of tuba jam sessions during my 90s youth in Knockemstiff, Ohio.
  • Kelefa Sanneh’s insightful deep dive into the world of septic tank construction and maintenance omitted mention of my great great grandfather, Leon Flushman, the inventor of the outlet pipe.
  • I was delighted to read Nora Plotsky’s brilliant piece on 1940s film stars who could not roll their Rs. As the speech coach who taught Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to sing without a lisp, I only wish I could have been there to help Lauren Bacall master “Ay, caramba!”
  • Being custodian of the letters from the Ty-D-Bol Man, I take issue with the recent piece, “A Custodian of Letters is Nothing More Than an Exalted Janitor.”
  • Loraine Kimblebee’s thoughtful meditation on underwater karaoke clubs reminded me of the time oceanographer Jacques Cousteau bet me I couldn’t gargle a mouthful of goldfish.
  • When I began a long-term relationship with journalist Leon Paxton, I didn’t realize I would become the subject of his three-part series, “A Ravishing Chatbot Named Zelda Destroyed My Marriage.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Give Us This Day Our Fries and Chicken Nuggets

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According to a Fox News poll, majorities of white evangelical Christians (56%), Republicans (60%), 2024 Trump supporters (62%), and MAGA supporters (70%) believe Trump was saved from assassination attempts because God wanted him to be president again.

I have always assumed God avoided politics and focused on parimutuel betting, but what do I know? He has never spoken to me through an ABC News/WaPo/Ipsos poll.

Dig a little deeper into polling, however, and you will find the Lord is telling MAGA minions even more.

  • According to a Giddyup poll, 50% believe God rehearsed saving Donald Trump from assassination by practicing with Abraham Lincoln, James A. Garfield and William McKinley.
  • A Whoopsos poll tells us that 73% know for a fact that the next Black president will only occur after the Lord chooses a qualified man named Black.
  • Rasmucas’ latest survey indicates that 48% believe Jared Fogle will be released from jail when God discovers Subway has been substituting baloney for Black Forest ham.
  • Harris Insights, Outsights & All-Around Analytics reveals that 83% of Trumpers believe God told President Trump to give Mel Gibson his guns back – but very carefully because of, well, Mel’s hair trigger temper.
  • According to a SurveyMonkeyHouse poll, 67% percent believe Trump and wife Melania sleep in separate bedrooms, because the Lord’s light shining down on Donald keeps her up at night.
  • And in a related Phew! Research Center poll, 0% of people who normally ask “What would Jesus do?” have never asked “Who would Trump do?”

Do these polling results convince me that God is Trump’s copilot or even fast-food friend? I find it hard to believe the Lord favors anyone – or could even figure out how to manipulate swing state voting.

Regardless, I think it would take a lot to change MAGA minds.

But…if the economy continues to tank and their savings swoon, it won’t surprise me if many of them wake one night soon claiming to have heard an all-knowing voice above bellow:

“I’m with Bernie.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Searching for an Easier Path to Greatness? Perhaps You’re Already There.

Published on by benalp20131 Comment

I was a horrible student. At what grade level? All of them.

In high school I was voted “most likely to do better if he applied himself.” Why? I’m not sure, but I’d probably know if I had applied myself.

I never thought I lacked intelligence; I was just nervous and always felt out of place. Where was the right place?  Perhaps in a state of bliss, although if that were the case, I’m certain my parents would have received a note from the head of bliss, complaining, “He’d be more blissful if he worked harder.”

I am certainly not alone in this regard. History is littered with famous folks who, absent from honor rolls and even pretty darn good rolls, managed to do alright for themselves – Thomas Edison, Richard Branson and Steve Jobs to name a few. Maybe if I stared out the window and daydreamed a little longer, I could have invented a cure for cancer.

On the other hand – the hand with more realistic expectations – I could be selling myself short. Just a few of my life’s achievements clearly show sleeping through sophomore French class was not for naught.

  • I can perfectly load a dishwasher.
  • I always sense when I’m getting on someone’s nerves.
  • I never fail to utter the perfect insult under my breath when someone standing in front of me can’t decide whether to order a Whopper or a Whopper with Cheese.
  • I always know I’m going to be rejected at mid-sentence when asking a blind date, “Would you like to go to a Renaissance Faire?”
  • I have never started a conversation with a stranger in an elevator – even one who says, “I think we’re stuck between floors.”
  • I know when milk is going bad without smelling or tasting it.
  • And I never expect to be hired after realizing my fly was unzipped during a job interview.

The lesson here is simple (I don’t think I have the concentration to grasp a complex one): If Walt Disney could barely make it through school, then go on to build an animated empire, I too can skip work, hang out with my friends and then, who knows, find a one-hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”