Month: October 2025

Taken by Takeaways

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Have you noticed news writers and editors have become taken with “takeaways”? Who needs a beginning, middle and end to a story when you can have a list of equal observations?

Here are my takeaways on takeaways.

  • Aren’t you glad there wasn’t a newspaper story titled “Three Takeaways From President Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address”?
  • Aren’t you even more glad there wasn’t a newspaper story titled “900 Takeaways From the Allied Invasion of France”?
  • We can only hope a sharp editor would have killed one of the takeaways in “Eleven Takeaways From God’s New Ten Commandments.”
  • The same for “Four Takeaways From The Three Musketeers.”
  • If a news organization declares bankruptcy, can its creditors takeaway its takeaways?
  • Until recently, takeaway articles didn’t involve immigrants being taken away.
  • Little known fact: High Times magazine is the only publication that has tokeaways.
  • A story with five takeaways could be interesting. A dining experience with five takeaways could lead to food poisoning.
  • Ok, they’re not news stories, but rental car agreements could certainly use some takeaways.
  • This piece clearly shows why no article should have ten takeaways.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Mining Bill Belichick’s Mind

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I’m a card-carrying introvert who speaks few words but has an inner life that can’t stop babbling. I have often wondered (to myself, of course) if former NFL great football coach, now North Carolina Tar Heels not-so-great football coach Bill Belichick’s mind works the same way. While talking – okay, mumbling – to reporters after another bone-crushing loss, could his mind be working overtime as monosyllable tidbits drop from his lips?

Coach Belichick: Questions?

Reporter: Coach, your team was losing so badly today your opponents offered to play blindfolded and hopping on one leg. Can you explain how you deal with this total ineptitude?

Belichick: There are some areas we need to work on.

Belichick to himself: The same questions week after week. Don’t these idiot reporters have anything else to ask other then, “Why did your team stink up the place?” I’ll tell you how I deal with one loss after another: I’m Bill Belichick, dammit! … Oh, come on. Who am I kidding? This was the most humiliating beating yet! …. Why did I take this job?

Belichick to reporters: Next question.

Reporter: Coach, why did your team punt three times on first downs?

Belichick to himself: Why do they always let this bozo reporter sit up front? Same with the guy sitting next to him who always reeks of B.O. I’m so tired of not breathing through my nose. And what’s with the chubby guy who always looks like he’s about to ask a question, then takes a sip of coffee?

Belichick to reporters: I think it was four times.

Belichick to himself: Dammit Bill! Focus! A few more three-word responses and you’ll be out of here.  … Oh God, I’m too old for this! I could be laying on a beach somewhere, with a nubile young girlfriend trying to sell me Girl Scout cookies. … Take another question!

Belichick to reporters: Next question.

Reporter: Bill, do you stand by your decision to hire your nephew as an assistant coach even though he said his long-term goal is raising hamsters in New Zealand?

Belichick to reporters: I treat everyone on my staff –my sons, my nephews, friends of friends, my accountant’s kids – the same.

Belichick to himself: Why can’t I say no to these people? Why did I hire my ex-wife’s new husband’s ex-con son as my defensive coordinator? And how can I concentrate when Jordon keeps texting me about shopping for thongs and end tables? Note to self: Don’t bring the phone to any more games.

Belichick to reporters: Any other questions?

Reporter: Coach, do you have any second thoughts about taking on the responsibilities of coaching a major college football team?

Belichick to reporters: No.

Belichick to himself: Jordon said it would be good for her brand. What brand? Gold Diggers R’ Us? I’m contradicting myself, but why am I even with this woman/child. She’s young enough to be my daughter’s daughter. I’ve never heard anyone say the word “like” so many times. Sometimes I want to, like hit her, like on the head to, like make her stop! Oh my God, now I’m, like saying it!

Belichick to reporters: I think that, like wraps it up.

Reporter: Any last thoughts, coach?

Belichick to reporters: On to Syracuse – and then to Target for end tables.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Hell of a Meeting

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Good evening and welcome to our Lake of Fire monthly meeting. For those of you who had a devil of a time getting here, you have nothing but our envy.

I will begin with some housekeeping items.

It’s been brought to our attention that someone has been tampering with the Inferno’s humidity control. I can’t emphasize this more strongly: the eternal burning flames of Hell are a dry heat. Let’s please keep it that way.

Also, even though torment and suffering are our brand, intermittent Wi-Fi reception is unacceptable. Rest assured, we’re working on this problem, but what can I say? Eternal damnation is a day in the park compared to dealing with Xfinity.

Now, a special announcement. We’ve been informed of a soon-to-be Hellion. This new addition to our community should be no surprise to any of you. His name is Donald J. Trump. Although we haven’t received a formal application, this was a no brainer, and we’ve already completed the application process. In fact, we’ve never received so many strong and even pleading recommendations.

I’ve never said this before, but I think Trump may be the first ever applicant over qualified – by a mile.

Let’s quickly review his record:

He’s been charged with 88 criminal offenses in four criminal cases.

He’s been convicted of 34 felonies.

Countless women have accused him of sexual assault.

He was found liable for sexually abusing E. Jean Carroll in the mid-1990s.

He’s been found guilty countless times of civil fraud.

I could go on and on, but the Repentant Sinners Anonymous group needs this room in a couple of hours, and I think you get the big picture: encouragement of political violence, ethical violations and conflicts of interest, falsification of business records, civil fraud conviction, classified documents investigation. He’s the whole enchilada.

We can’t say for sure when he’ll be arriving, but we’re predicting it will be shortly after he meets his maker when falling off a balcony while attempting to grope an AI version of Miss Pitch and Putt 1993.

When Donald Trump arrives, please make him feel at home and whatever you do, don’t enter into any business deals with him.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”