Category: Other

Bewitched, Bothered, and BTrumped

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Madison O’Rourke chairs the Spiritual Development department at the Learning Annex in Fort Worth, Texas. She is also host of the podcast, “Mexican Cuisine the O’Rourke Way.”

Dear Madison,

Help me, I’m in a horrifying relationship with a terrible man! A man I never wanted to know in the first place. Since he was elected president in 2016, I shudder just thinking about him. He won’t go away – and it keeps getting worse.

I’ve tried everything. I’ve signed petitions, marched in demonstrations, engaged in letter writing campaigns – but he’s still in my life. He makes me feel drained, belittled, and controlled by him – especially when I see billionaires, fat checks in hands, lined up to smooch his flabby bottom.

There seems to be no way to get rid of him – and I can’t stop thinking about him.

What can I do?

Insane in Indiana

Dear Insane,

Tell me about it. I totally sympathize with you. I am in a relationship with the same guy! I didn’t ask for it, either. I thought I was finally rid of him after his ninetieth indictment and fiftieth photo with Jeffrey Epstein, but he’s still in my head, no matter how many “Dear Deranged Dufus” letters I imagine writing.

Dating a bad boy is one thing, but courting a narcissistic, psychopathic, unhinged lunatic is a whole other can of worms.

I don’t know what to tell you but if you figure out how to rid yourself of this prime piece of pestilence, please let me know before I flee the country and start responding to the lovelorn from Latvia.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Degeneration of Generations

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According to an article in Your Tango, some Gen X bosses can be annoyed by their Gen Z workers, and wish they would stop saying things such as:

  • “I was only a few minutes late.”
  • “That’s not my problem.”
  • “Sorry, I’m just not a morning person.”
  • “I don’t do well under pressure.”
  • “I’ll finish this whenever I get to it.”
  • “I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. Can we take a pause?”

Annoying yes, but don’t assume this started with Gen Z. Here’s what aggravated Missionary Generation (born between 1883 and 1900) bosses thought about their Lost Generation (born between 1900 and 1927) workers:

  • “They won’t stop stewing in their disillusionment with pre-war values and societal norms, and just clean the damn bathrooms.”
  • “Every time I ask for a status report, I get a lecture on what Hemingway and F. Scott Fitzgerald told them about surrealism, and dadaism.”

Here’s what some Lost Generation bosses said about their Greatest Generation (born between 1901 and 1927) workers:

  • “Not exactly the greatest when it comes to showing up for work on time.”
  • “I’m not questioning his patriotism, but is it asking too much for him to correctly spell “patriotism?”

And here’s what some Greatest Generation bosses said about their Silent Generation (born between 1928 and 1945) workers:

  • I wish Mr. Silent Generation would quit yakking on the phone and silently focus on his job.
  • I never hear peep from them when I ask for volunteers.

In conclusion, don’t’ be so hard on Gen Z workers. It won’t be long before they’ll be complaining about their Gen Alpha (born between 2011 and 2024) workers.

  • “She’s on the phone with her AI boyfriend all day and tried to get him added to the company payroll.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Alumni News from All Over

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  • After procrastinating for many years, Emily Wells ’72 is finally taking kazoo lessons.
  • Jacob Stein ’68 found his other pair of glasses.
  • Ernie Wallis ’10 and his wife joined a progressive political action committee which turned out to be a cult. It also partially explains why his note was written with his own blood.
  • Cynthia Hastings ’12 and her husband adopted a beautiful Labrador retriever named Bailey and are now in a legal battle with its birth mother.
  • This year marks the twenty-fifth year Nicholas Page ’78’s son has been living in his basement.
  • This year marks the twenty-fifth year Nicholas Page Jr. ’91 has been living in his parent’s basement.
  • His colleagues at the MIT Robotics department honored George Stanky ’77 with a lifetime achievement award. He and his wife, 38C-8D7 celebrated by taking a long-planned trip to Greece.
  • Now that their last child has flown the nest, it’s just Alice Lerthy ’95 and her husband, Lewis in “our beautifully restored 20-room Victorian house.” To give him more space, she’s building a 15-room “she shed.”
  • Tom Fortuna ’19 was honored by Subway for purchasing his 500th footlong sandwich.
  • Ron Neel ’05 reconnected with Mary Strickland-Souza ’05 at their 15th reunion. Pending her divorce to Phil Souza ’05, they plan to move to Manhasset.
  • Phil Souza ’05 is just beginning to get over the trauma of discovering his wife, Mary Strickland-Souza ’05 in Ron Neel ’05’s Holiday Inn room during their 15th reunion.
  • Ralph Willborne ’65 sold his company for 10 billion dollars. “To this day, I have no idea what we manufactured.”
  • Lilly Tosh ’07 wants all to know, contrary to what you may have read in the news, their daughter Tiffany “was accepted to our wonderful college on her own merit. Our $500,00 contribution to the school’s badminton program was purely coincidental.”
  • Tara Tinsley ’15 is currently on a book tour promoting her twelfth semi-autobiographical novel, “The Secret Life of a Lactose Intolerant Data Analyst.”
  • Steve Greely ’14 just found out he’s been playing Words with Friends for three years with a South American dictator.
  • Liz Strongkill ’67 has fully recovered from hip replacement surgery. “Just in time since husband Ed ’68 “will no longer fetch the TV remote for me.”
  • Patrick Belfour ’95 attended a Father-Daughter feminist retreat with Nora ‘21. It was one of the most enlightening experiences in his life, although he wishes they had served larger portions of food.
  • Evonne Lipman ’86 is thrilled to inform us that after harassing Professor Philbin for years, he finally changed her grade in Introduction to Sociology from Pass to Pass with Distinction.
  • Tom Chase ’93 visited Disneyland for the 10,000th time. Daffy Duck remembered him.
  • It was a drastic step on her part, but Sheila Kugel ’83 and husband Phil hired a deprogrammer to help transition their son from Presbyterian to Episcopalian.
  • To show there’s no hard feeling about his part in the 1968 takeover of Dean Shuler’s office, Bernard Krome ’69 says he’s returning the dean’s staple gun and 3-hole punch.
  • During his family’s Martha’s Vinyard vacation, James Taylor had Leo Mundell ’73’ arrested for trespassing on Sweet Baby James’ private beach.
  • Nina Friedman ’75 has moved into a co-housing complex. She couldn’t be happier, but wife Marybeth ’75 sometimes misses eating in silence.
  • It’s been one year since Carl Landers ’11 started his podcast about digestion.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

My One-on-One Interview with the Man I Might Have Been

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At some point, most of us look back and ask: “Is this the life I should have lived?” To find out, I sat down and talked with the person I might have been.

Me: Thank you for taking the time to speak with me.

Man I might have been: Glad to be here.

Me: You look fabulous.

Man I might have been: I’ve always taken good care of myself. I’ve never been even one ounce overweight.

Me: Very impressive. I still promise myself to lay off the sweets and join a gym.

The question I’ve always asked myself is: Would I have been able to live the life I only dreamed about?

Man I might have been: I can only speak for me: I have, and it’s been wonderful.

Me: Good point. I’m jealous. I’ve tried to be like you, but it hasn’t been easy.

Man I might have been: No pain, no gain, my friend.

Me: I imagined being an astrophysicist married to a humanitarian-of-the-year physician with a perfect ten body. How did you do it?

Man I might have been: Very simple. Dreamers dream. Dreams just do it. I wouldn’t have won the Nobel Peace Prize for solving that mess in the Middle East if I sat around fantasizing about it. I took your dream and ran with it.

Me: A dream, I might add, you didn’t give me credit for when you accepted the award.

Man I might have been: I’m sorry, but if I’m not mistaken, you’ve also dreamed about being a selfish bastard. I won’t lie. I’ve loved being the figment of your imagination. Without you, I wouldn’t have been an astronaut and flown to Mars.

Me: I thought about that shortly after I dropped out of community college. Was there ever a time when living my dreams was a disappointment?

Man I might have been: Once. When you imagined you were a brilliant heart surgeon, then suddenly switched gears and envisioned playing fullback for the New York Giants.

Me: That’s because I suddenly remembered the sight of blood nauseates me.

Man I might have been: Let me ask you a question. Are there moments when you’re perfectly content with your actual life?

Me: Usually on Saturday mornings when I’m eating a lightly toasted bagel.

Man I might have been: Any other times?

Me: One evening in 2003 I looked in a mirror and burst into song, “You do something to me, something that simply mystifies me.”

Man I might have been: I’d kill for that moment.

Me: That’s the nicest thing I’ve ever fantasized you’d say.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

You Should be Fined, Oklahoma

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Oklahoma’s new public high school history curriculum requires students learn about baseless claims of voting irregularities in the 2020 election promoted by Donald Trump and his supporters. (Editor’s note: I am not making this up.)

Why stop there? Here are some more fantastical factoids that should be required learning.

  • 1776 – General George Washington crossed the Delaware River with his Continental Army after offloading all transsexual soldiers.
  • 1892 – Ellis Island in New York Harbor, originally a comfortable, well-kept Caucasian neighborhood, was overrun by immigrants who were allowed to quickly slip into the country.
  • 1915 – The British ocean liner, Lusitania was sunk by a German submarine while the ship’s crew was attending a mandatory diversity, equity and inclusion workshop.
  • 1927 – Charles Lindbergh made the first nonstop flight from New York to Paris, and then offered his plane, the Spirit of St. Louis, to Donald Trump’s grandfather as a gift.
  • 1929 – The Great Depression caused a severe global economic downturn when, overnight, able bodied men appeared in bread lines demanding free bread.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

How to Get Your Letter to the Editor Published

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You want to respond to an article you’ve read in a newspaper or magazine. How can you increase the chances your thoughtful and compelling letter will be published? Rule number one: It is always about you. Here are some examples:

  • Having lived my life as a modern interpretive dancer trapped in the body of a certified public accountant, I question writer Phyllis Foster’s thesis that people who can’t balance their checkbook are pansexual.
  • Your profile of football legend Johnny Unitas brought back memories of the time I dropped acid with Bart Starr.
  • As someone who was abducted by space aliens and endured six months of daily full-body cavity searches, I agree with Dr. Ross Sturgeon’s guidance in his piece, “The Importance of Regular Colonoscopy Screening for Colorectal Cancer.”
  • I am a direct descendent of one of Julias Ceaser’s illegitimate children, and totally disagree with the article, “Lizzie Borden’s Parents Had It Coming.”
  • Gerhard Flixter’s flawless coverage of high school marching bands brought back visceral memories of tuba jam sessions during my 90s youth in Knockemstiff, Ohio.
  • Kelefa Sanneh’s insightful deep dive into the world of septic tank construction and maintenance omitted mention of my great great grandfather, Leon Flushman, the inventor of the outlet pipe.
  • I was delighted to read Nora Plotsky’s brilliant piece on 1940s film stars who could not roll their Rs. As the speech coach who taught Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to sing without a lisp, I only wish I could have been there to help Lauren Bacall master “Ay, caramba!”
  • Being custodian of the letters from the Ty-D-Bol Man, I take issue with the recent piece, “A Custodian of Letters is Nothing More Than an Exalted Janitor.”
  • Loraine Kimblebee’s thoughtful meditation on underwater karaoke clubs reminded me of the time oceanographer Jacques Cousteau bet me I couldn’t gargle a mouthful of goldfish.
  • When I began a long-term relationship with journalist Leon Paxton, I didn’t realize I would become the subject of his three-part series, “A Ravishing Chatbot Named Zelda Destroyed My Marriage.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Give Us This Day Our Fries and Chicken Nuggets

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According to a Fox News poll, majorities of white evangelical Christians (56%), Republicans (60%), 2024 Trump supporters (62%), and MAGA supporters (70%) believe Trump was saved from assassination attempts because God wanted him to be president again.

I have always assumed God avoided politics and focused on parimutuel betting, but what do I know? He has never spoken to me through an ABC News/WaPo/Ipsos poll.

Dig a little deeper into polling, however, and you will find the Lord is telling MAGA minions even more.

  • According to a Giddyup poll, 50% believe God rehearsed saving Donald Trump from assassination by practicing with Abraham Lincoln, James A. Garfield and William McKinley.
  • A Whoopsos poll tells us that 73% know for a fact that the next Black president will only occur after the Lord chooses a qualified man named Black.
  • Rasmucas’ latest survey indicates that 48% believe Jared Fogle will be released from jail when God discovers Subway has been substituting baloney for Black Forest ham.
  • Harris Insights, Outsights & All-Around Analytics reveals that 83% of Trumpers believe God told President Trump to give Mel Gibson his guns back – but very carefully because of, well, Mel’s hair trigger temper.
  • According to a SurveyMonkeyHouse poll, 67% percent believe Trump and wife Melania sleep in separate bedrooms, because the Lord’s light shining down on Donald keeps her up at night.
  • And in a related Phew! Research Center poll, 0% of people who normally ask “What would Jesus do?” have never asked “Who would Trump do?”

Do these polling results convince me that God is Trump’s copilot or even fast-food friend? I find it hard to believe the Lord favors anyone – or could even figure out how to manipulate swing state voting.

Regardless, I think it would take a lot to change MAGA minds.

But…if the economy continues to tank and their savings swoon, it won’t surprise me if many of them wake one night soon claiming to have heard an all-knowing voice above bellow:

“I’m with Bernie.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Searching for an Easier Path to Greatness? Perhaps You’re Already There.

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I was a horrible student. At what grade level? All of them.

In high school I was voted “most likely to do better if he applied himself.” Why? I’m not sure, but I’d probably know if I had applied myself.

I never thought I lacked intelligence; I was just nervous and always felt out of place. Where was the right place?  Perhaps in a state of bliss, although if that were the case, I’m certain my parents would have received a note from the head of bliss, complaining, “He’d be more blissful if he worked harder.”

I am certainly not alone in this regard. History is littered with famous folks who, absent from honor rolls and even pretty darn good rolls, managed to do alright for themselves – Thomas Edison, Richard Branson and Steve Jobs to name a few. Maybe if I stared out the window and daydreamed a little longer, I could have invented a cure for cancer.

On the other hand – the hand with more realistic expectations – I could be selling myself short. Just a few of my life’s achievements clearly show sleeping through sophomore French class was not for naught.

  • I can perfectly load a dishwasher.
  • I always sense when I’m getting on someone’s nerves.
  • I never fail to utter the perfect insult under my breath when someone standing in front of me can’t decide whether to order a Whopper or a Whopper with Cheese.
  • I always know I’m going to be rejected at mid-sentence when asking a blind date, “Would you like to go to a Renaissance Faire?”
  • I have never started a conversation with a stranger in an elevator – even one who says, “I think we’re stuck between floors.”
  • I know when milk is going bad without smelling or tasting it.
  • And I never expect to be hired after realizing my fly was unzipped during a job interview.

The lesson here is simple (I don’t think I have the concentration to grasp a complex one): If Walt Disney could barely make it through school, then go on to build an animated empire, I too can skip work, hang out with my friends and then, who knows, find a one-hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

‘Oh Trumpzilla, We Can’t Quit You – Yet’

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Donald Trump, leader of the gang that couldn’t conjugate the verb to be straight, wants to withhold funds from Harvard, rescind the University’s tax-exempt status, and is threatening to ban the school’s foreign students. He added: “Harvard is a JOKE, teaches Hate and Stupidity.” It must be true because he spelled “joke” in all CAPS.

All this – and a whole lot more – makes me wonder: When will his MAGA base begin to question his judgment, mental stability, and choice of orange bronzer?

Will it be when Trump Nation’s rationalization for his decision to deport anybody who rolls their Rs transitions from “What about Obama, Hillary, and Biden?” to “What about Martin Van Buren, James Buchanan, and Grover Cleveland?”

Will it be when Trumpers attempt to calculate their income tax using a pencil and a bottle of A1 sauce?

Or will it be when HHS Secretary RFK Jr. announces he’s discovered a cure for the heebie-jeebies?

My guess is the first signs of doubt among the Marvelous Mango’s legion will occur when Social Security payments transition from U.S. currency to slightly-used Monopoly money.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

I Needed Inner Life Insurance

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I’ve always had a rich inner life. I’m constantly in touch with my true inner self; I never forget to tell me to have a nice day; and, of course, I never forget to remind my thoughts, emotions, and dreams: “No, you’re special.”

It’s because I value my inner life so much that I recently decided it was time for me to get some inner life insurance.

There are many insurance companies from which to choose, but after dreaming on it for a few months, I selected Allstate of Consciousness. It was a no-brainer, because I always go with my fantasies over my gut instincts.

After organizing my thoughts in the proper order of colors, I put on my favorite Bill Evans album, settled into my comfortable chair, took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and envisioned I was meeting the salesman from Allstate of Consciousness.

As expected, he was nothing like your typical pushy insurance salesman. He was everything I wanted and needed him to be. His name was Carl. His handshake was not too firm or limp. He only cared about my needs and desires. And best of all, halfway through his softest of soft sell pitch, he said, “You know what, I’m not going to charge you anything for this policy.”

I imagined carefully reading the 1500-page policy – all fine print – and thoroughly absorbed every detail. It was as easy as imagining reading a rental car agreement. Without hesitation, I signed it.

The inner life insurance policy I selected included member, non-member and dismember benefits; income replacement for years of non-existent salary; and funds for my imaginary children’s education should I die and have no money to leave nobody. Carl also threw in protection for fatal horseshoe crab bites.

And if that wasn’t enough, Carl and I became close personal friends for life and after. How close? We swore if either of us ever moved, the other would be there to help load the moving van – with even the heavy stuff like fold-out beds.

If you have a rich inner life, I recommend getting inner life insurance. You will never regret it. But whatever you do, NEVER IMAGINE GETTING A REVERSE MORTGAGE!

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”