Personal Ad – Living Inside My Head

The Three Phases of Online Dating

Published on November 13, 2025 by benalp2013Leave a comment

Dante divided hell into 10 levels. Fortunately for Online dating, there are only three phases to traverse (four if you count making bail).

Phase 1. Writing or responding to a personal ad

If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, the duck may still describe herself as a Margot Robbie look-alike.

He (Erskine Tribble) describes himself as: “Handsome captain of industry with six-pack abs and a winning smile (I have the trophies to prove it) seeking beautiful woman to share quiet times in my fully-staffed quarter-mile long yacht.”

She (Zelda Hadley) describes herself as: “Former super model, current super-duper model seeking sensitive, caring, hunky billionaire willing to open his heart and bank account.”

Phase 2. Corresponding online

The dance of the veiled texts and e-mails can be a treacherous tango – particularly when a personal ad photo was taken from a satellite.

He says: “Dear Zelda, I look forward to the day when we will finally meet in person. Business is going well here in London. However, I should warn you: Due to security reasons, when we finally meet, I will appear shorter, fatter, and have less hair than previously described. By the way, have you finished your Sports Illustrated Swimsuit photo shoot? – Faithfully yours, Erskine.”

She says: “Dearest Erskine, Even though we’ve never actually met in person, I count the minutes we’re apart. I look forward to the day when we’ll cruise the globe in your quarter-mile long yacht. (Have the authorities tracked down the pirates who stole it?) The photo shoot went well, though the location was switched to Canton, Ohio. I should also warn you that I had to put on 75 pounds to audition for the starring role in “The Shelly Winters Story,” but I joined a gym and will be down to my normal 95 pounds in no time. — Miss you, Zelda.”

Phase 3. Googling a background check

You desperately want to believe you’ve discovered a diamond in the rough, but a tiny voice in the back of your head keeps saying you must check for roughage.

He Googled: Zelda Hadley

PMS Quarterly – …most severe case was recorded in 2022 when a team of 10 doctors and nurses were needed to restrain Zelda Hadley for three consecutive days…

Woman Arrested for Violating Restraining Order – …Zelda Hadley, an ex-girlfriend of Hawkins, denied slashing his tires and throwing a brick through his living room window. Hadley was taken into custody and later released on bail…

UFO Abductions of 2024 – …final speaker of the evening was Zelda Hadley who talked about her three alien abductions in 1993, 2006, and 2021…

Man Accuses Date of Stealing Wallet – …the accused, Zelda Hadley, claimed the entire incident was a misunderstanding. The couple met on perfectmates.com, an online dating service. Medvig has refused to drop the charges. “There is still $100 missing”…

Official Stephen Miller Fan Club Web Site – …was enthusiastically attended by eight members. President Zelda Hadley called the meeting to order…

She Googled: Erskine Tribble

Norfolk D.A. Lists Top Deadbeat Dads – …Phillip Scrimshaw, Neil Most, Fred Robinson, Erskine Tribble, Floyd Remley…

Firemen Remove Wall to Evacuate 900lb Man – …Tribble hadn’t left his bedroom in two years. Domino’s Pizza deliveryman Salvatore Martinez was visibly distraught. “Erskine was my best customer. How am I going to pay for my kid’s college tuition?”…

Last remaining Blockbuster video store sues final 2 customers for overdue video rentals – …Mary Cunningham – Police Academy III, Ghostbusters | Erskine Tribble – Star Whores, Finding Nympho, Spank Her Doodle Dandy…

Beware of Investment Scams – … “I gave all of my life savings to Mr. Tribble, and now it’s gone. I’m 75-years old and penniless.” The SEC has launched an investigation of Erskine Tribble Partners as well as the Erskine Tribble Hair Growth Center….

Eva Marie Saint Stalker Convicted – …”He made my life a living nightmare and all he gets is probation? Erskine Tribble should be forced to live through the hell he put me through.” cried the tearful 101-year-old film legend. Tribble’s lawyer, Wilbur Wainwright, maintained his client’s innocence and vowed to appeal the…

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Do Opposites Attack?

Published on December 22, 2024December 30, 2024 by benalp2013Leave a comment

How bad is my dating life? According to the book “Dating for Dummies,” I should quit and read “Living Alone in a Cave for Dummies.”

Rather than throw in the towel, however, I decided to give dating one last try. But this time, I went in the opposite direction.

I created a new online dating profile that, among other things, stated I loved short walks on the beach and flashlight-lit dinners, I was a closed book, and family wasn’t important to me. Also, I was adamant about good personal hygiene being overrated.

How did it go?

Eight women, all named Karen, answered my ad. After meeting all of them, seven contacted the dating service and demanded to speak to the manager.

On the plus side, one of the Karens didn’t ask to speak to the manager until our third date after accusing me of flirting with a cute panhandler.

All in all, this was the most positive dating experience I’ve had so far. In fact, I’m now thinking about adding “my parole officer will vouch for me” to my profile.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Introvert Singles – Featured Profile – Alone Malone

Published on April 24, 2014May 30, 2014 by benalp2013Leave a comment

alone_on_dock My heart has visiting hours for you

I am looking for: A woman who will share my hopes, my dreams, my time zone.

Occupation: Online chiropractor

Education: Bachelor in arts, Hampshire College, majored in Science Fiction, minored in 23rd Century Literature

Proudest accomplishment: In a previous life I conceived the idea for the marshmallow while watching Joan of Arc burn at the stake.

Last great book I read: “Eat Pray Love from the Privacy of Your Home”

Music that puts me in the mood: The Velvet Underground Sings the Cole Porter Songbook, Vol. 2

Favorite movie: “All Quiet on the Western Front” It makes me long for the serenity of World War I.

My perfect getaway weekend: Flying to Zurich on my private jet, making passionate love at the airport, then flying back.

The five items I can’t live without: George Foreman Isolation tank, Daily 16-hour meditation, iPad, mePad, mylfPad.

Turn ons: Lusty Esperanto accent, Slender hand waving goodbye, Playful inner voices.

Turn offs: Talking about the weather (hot looking weatherwomen excluded), Being told I look like a James Bond villain, Inner voices that don’t respect my space.

More About Me: I’m just an average guy who lives alone on my private island somewhere in the Southern Hemisphere. I value my solitude, having last encountered another human in 1992. That doesn’t mean there isn’t room in my heart for a special woman — if you don’t mind living in my guest compound. I won’t lie; I’ve been called eccentric. But who are you going to trust, me or 30 eminently qualified psychiatrists and a government profiler?

What I’m looking for: I’d love to meet that special woman who knows the difference between being treasured and being held captive against her will. If you’ve dreamed about spending the rest of your life with a terrific guy via close circuit TV, dream no further. I can have a driver at your door within 30 seconds.

Introvert Singles – Featured Profile – Solitary Sal

Published on March 4, 2014May 30, 2014 by benalp2013Leave a comment

Eyes are the sealed shutters to the soul

I am looking for: A man who will love, respect, and cherish me from a safe distance

Occupation: Professional medical experiment participant

Education: Home colleged, double major in Philosophy and Laundry Folding

Proudest accomplishment: I’ve had a running monologue in my head for 14 years and have NEVER split an infinitive.

Last great book I read: “The Five People You Meet in Heaven and How to Avoid Them”

Music that puts me in the mood: Any show tune played on a dulcimer

Favorite movie: “Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” I prefer movies that end with fewer people.

My perfect getaway weekend: You and me, a Bed and Breakfast in the Berkshires, preferably in separate rooms

The five items I can’t live without: A new spot on my body to pierce, My imaginary life coach, Alienating-Thought-of-the-Day calendar, 23 3/4 hours to decompress, My lucky nose chain

Turn ons: Playful non-eye contact, Looking cute while shutting down, Flirting with my inner voice

Turn offs: Whistling nose ring, Dirty small talk, You flirting with another girl’s inner voice, Grammatically incorrect tattoos

More About Me: I’m your average goth girl next door. When not absorbed in my own thoughts, I like staring at people shopping and staring at people staring at me.

What I’m looking for: I’m looking for a guy who will avoid looking me straight in the eye and say, “You looked so hot in a previous life.” They say that all the good ones are possessed by the devil but I’m not giving up.